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Winchester Sporting 

and 

Athletic Goods 

Hardware, Plumbing 

and 

Heating 

Mutual Plumbing and 
Heating Co. 


St>Gaking of Men's ClotKes, tke 
Last Word m Quality is 
Really 'i'wo Words- - 

Hickey- Freeman 

Thomas Fo Walsh 

College Outfitter 


Motorist (stopping beside car parked in the 
shadow): "Is anyone hurt?" 

Parker (interrupted va pettir.fi' party): "Xo, 
hut there will be!" 

Cr.hi;,! 

She (just back from Europe): "Sorry 1 can t 
go out with you tonight — n\v trunks haven't 
arrived." 

He: "Say, T got a car outside. Didja think 
I was going to run you to town?" 

So}iihcrn California IV am pus 


AmliGrst Snoe Repairing Go. 


The only place in town 

where economy rules on 

Footwear and Hosiery 

Shoe repairing of best 

workmanship our specialty 

on basis that you jiiust 
be satisfied 

On ijoar wa]^ to the Post Office 


You Will Take Pride 

in ordering and riding in one of our cars. 
We are proud of our cars, both open and 
closed, and maintain them in spick and 
span condition. 

For the Best 

Phone Northampton 

-80- 

COLLEGE TAXI CO. 
Near Boyden's Northampton 


Dainerst & Fotos, Props. 



Printing 

^nling 

Siinding 

"The Kind Worth While" 

Excelsior Printing Co. 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 


THE VALUE OF MUSIC 

Mother: "Willie, how did you get the baby 
to sleep so soon?" 

Willie: "With my new saxophone, Mother." 

Mother: "With your saxophone? What did 
you play on it, to get such quick results?" 

Willie: "I didn't play on it, Ma, I hit him with 
it." 

Sun Dodger 




Professor: "Look here, you said you wanted 
that alcohol to clean some glass apparatus and 
here I fird you drir.king it. 

Student: "Sure, you see I drink it and then 
breathe on the glass. 

Gargoyle 




Diner: "Waiter, commere, there's an earth 
worm in this soup." 

W^ alter: "Well, wotcha want for ten cents, — 
silk worms?" 

Sun Dodger 

'24 (arriving at a small hotel) : "Can I have a 
private bath?" 

Clerk: "Well, I hope so!" 

Gohlin 




She: "I feel too warm." 

He: "Take off your sweater." 

She: (minus sweater) "My, I feel ihin." 

He: "Yes, you do." 

She: "What?" 

He: "I mean, do you?" 

WhirliDind 

"Shay, 's that big, round thing up there the 
moon?" 

"Shearch me. I don't (hie) live around here. 

Phoenix 


Mitchell Belkin 

PHOTOGRAPHER 

241 Main Street, Northampton 
Phone 1753 

Official Photographer to 

Smith Seniors 1922-23 

"Aggie" Index 1922 

SPECIAL RATES TO STUDENTS 






SARCASTIC SUSAN 
"I wish I were a dog," moaned the squint- 
eyed freshie as the idol of his heart playfully fondled 
a fuzzy animal in her lap. 

"Never mind, little pup. You'll grow," she 
retorted. 

Whirlwind 




SING LEE 

Main Street 

Quick Tiaundry 




Truth isn't really stranger than fiction. We 
just don't get as familiar with it. 

Judge 









Qri 




carries 



The Best 



in 



Student Furniture 



Irate Cop: "Sober u]) there! Xow, do ye 
mean to tell me ye don't know your own name?" 

Boiled One: '"Sail ri', ossifer, I'm not myself 
jus' now." 

Puppet 



at 



22 Amity Street 



DEFEATING JUSTICE 

The prisoner chuckled to himself after being 
sentenced, and confided to his counsel, "I been 
before this here court five times, and got off 
every time," 

"Well, you didn't fool them this time," observed 
the lawyer. 

"Hee haw, tha's funny part of it," chortled 
the prisoner, "I didn't do it this time." 

Sim Dodger 



Prof: "Success, gentlemen, has four conditions." 
Voice from back row: "Tough luck, the dean 
Avill kick it out of college." 

Whirhrind 



Employer: "What's the reason you clerks 
won't follow the instructions of the new efiiciency 
expert.^" 

The Blond Stenographer: "Him.^ Huh! We 
ain't got no confidence in him. Didn't Jimmie 
the office boy win sixty cents from him pitching 
pennies the very first day?" 

Judge 



Clerk (to inebriate waiting in a department 
store) : Could I interest you in a one-piece bathing 
suit?" 

Inebriate: "S.'mother time; my wife's just 
over at the ribbon counter." 

Biirr 



Besse-Mills Company 



HOLYOKE 



Judge (to negro witness) : "You say you were 
standing just across the street in front of the 
Brunswick when the first shot was fired?" 

Witness: "Yassah, I sho was." 

Judge: "Then I take it you also saw the second 
shot fired immediately afterward." 

Witness: "No, suh, Jedge, by that time I 
was passin' the CharlestowTi Navy Yard." 

T^oo Doo 



THE BESSE SYSTEM STORE 

Young Men's Fall and Winter 
Togs, Suits 

Overcoats, Furnishings, Shoes 

Dependable Merchandise 

Reasonably priced 



3artmarh 



A line to t\}e lai iuttl| tl|p hxti^ fare, 

3l|p fi0tlpb anli tnrn (§. I/b. 

I^F Ijaa naugljt in \}xb Btomntl} attb ksa in Ijtfi purap, 

lut Itf Ijaa tl|0 uitU of a man. 

Bp n^pa bltn& baggagr, Ijopa fretglita mxtl^ raa^. 

I^p'a a maatpr at bnmmtng tljF rnaiia. 

(En tt|c OinJiJipea nf iFnrtnnr, xnho aaga, **lnn ran't/' 

IIf prnnblg anatupra, "J can." 



Collegiate Hobo Number 



November, 1922 







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QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



LITERARY EDITOR 

F. BRUNNER, '24 

ART EDITOR 

R. NOTES, '24 

EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. E. PADDOCK, '23 



EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

T. T. ABELE, '23 

MANAGING EDITOR 

C. A. TOWNE, '23 

BUSINESS MANAGER 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 



ADVERTISING MANAGER 

C. E. BOWES, '24 

CIRCULATION MANAGER 

E. F. LAMB, '24 

ASST. BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 



* 



ART DEPARTMENT 

K. BALL, '24 



BUSINESS DEPARTMENT 

W. RHODES, '24 



The Aggie Squib is publislied six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



I 



T seems that now a college education is neces- 
sary even for a successful hobo. 



"T'HAT'S the cat's pyjamas, 



said Matilda 
as she brushed the fur from the comfy chair. 



THE SQUIB 



1st Hobo: "Ain't had a bath hi thi years." 
2nd Hobo: "That's nuthhi'., the dirt was 

suh tick on muh back thiit I raist crops, 'n scratchin' 

fur cooties kept 'em cultivated. 



S 



FOR a long time Ave have had with us farmerettes 
and chaufferettes, and alphabets, but please 
don't start calling the girls who bum to football 
games "hoboettes." 



'ERY Simple: "What does M. A. C. mean.^" 
Very Sweet: "Why-er-men and caresses." 




'OP: "Are you the guy that came from that 

tramp steamer?" 
Hobo : "Naw ! I jist come from HOBOken." 



I 



HO: "My friend trains runners." 
Bo: "An athletic director, I take it." 
Ho: "No, a farmer, he trains runners in a 
strawberry patch." 



S 



HOBOES 

ARE the sons of heboes and sheboes. 
A hobo is a guy that works every day but 
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, 
and Satiirday. 

And of course he takes Sunday off. 

Some hoboes are too lazy to loaf. So they 
walk from place to place. 

Nobody has ever seen a hobo that was too lazy 
to eat, however. 

Never take a tramp in the woods. You can't 
trust them in the open. 

One hobo was asked his religion. He said he 
was a Roaming Catholic. 

Another hobo said he was a somnambulist. 
A third one claimed to be a vegetarian. 

A hobo got a job loafing in a bread factory. 

He said he needed the dough. 



BOY, PAGE DIOGENES! 

LOVE bath-tubs. 

I can think so well in them. 
The smooth white porcelain 
Is as blank as my brain 
And I chase thoughts 
While I am vainly pursuing the soap. 
I can't turn on 
My thoughts at will, 
But I can turn on the faucet 
And it's nice to have 
Something running 
Anyway. 

Diogenes was right — I'll say he had 
The right idea. 
But it must be tough 
Always to be in 
Hot water! 
Anyway 

I love bath-tubs. 
I can think so well 

in them. 



THE SQUIB 



NOTES FOR NEEDY FRESHMEN 



OUR English Department has long objected 
to overworked similes. The Squib hereby 
offers gratis to incoming freshmen these brand 
new substitutes for the worn out phrases of our 
grandfathers. 

Instead of saying that "he ran like a dear," 
say "he ran like a nose in wintertime." 

Instead of saying "he died like a martyr," 
say "he died like a chorus girl." 



NOT "as strong as an ox" but "as strong as 
an onion." 

Don't say "he looked as fierce as a tiger," but 
"he looked as fierce as bobbed hair on your grand- 
mother." 

Don't say "he looks like the devil," but "he 
looks like Beelzebub." (Note the refining in- 
fluence of this improvement.) 

Above all, don't refer to "a nice juicy kiss," 
call it a nice mushv one. 



'¥'M in luck now," said the horse shoe nail when 



driven into the horseshoe. 



'OU pay. Baker, You've got the dough." 



S 

"•yHAT profiteer is a 
great fighter." 

"How so?" 

"When a boy he fenced 
his father's farm, as a 
young man he shot the 
White Horse Rapids, and 
now he is making our gov- 
ernment dye." 




- Ay Emu s"- 1/ .^ 



w 



"Shay, lady, did the 'Sophs' git after you too?' 



S 
'HAT makes Mabel 

so down in the 

mouth today?" 

"Oh, she went with the 

editor of a college giggly 

paper to see Babe Ruth 

play ball. The Bambino 

didn't get a home run and 

her friend did not spring 

a single raw joke." 

S 



A. SAP'S FABLES 

ONCE upon a time (all good lines start this 
way; then if you're caught up you can say 
with a superior air. Well, whaddye expect, you 
poor goldfish? It's only a story!) once upon a 
time there was a sweet and simple maiden wlio 
went to boarding school, and promptly started 
to write home about a young man named "Jim." 
Much annoyed, her parents sent her off to M. A. C. 
where she began associating with a dubious person 
called "Fizzy Ed." "This is too much," said 
the horrified family and they immediately hauled 
her home, thus proving the 

Moral: Never abbreviate anything, especially 
a^tudy or a kiss. 



OHE: (coyly) "Do you hke mushrooms?" 
n(^ fcatching on): "You l^et, T nui -i. revel 



jn 



them. 



/^UR idea of the prize goof is the man who 
complains he got cheated on the flavor 
of his postage stamps. 



THE SQUIB 



Sdi to rials 



^^ SUPPOSE our appologies are due the Freshmeu for not dedicating this issue to them, a 
MM "Pea Green" an "Infant's" or a "Homesick" number. We know the Freshmen need all 
^m the good advice we can give them, but we know they do not want it, we're tired of giving 
^^^^ it, and there are more important things to talk about than the present Freshman class, 
though we know that over a hundred superior intellects would deny it. There is a spirit 
at Aggie that one doesn't find at all institutions. It is the spirit of overcoming all obstacles. It is the 
spirit that makes from men with little or no high school training, teams that beat the paid athletes of 
other institutions. This spirit is, we think, best typified by the Collegiate Hobo. Two years ago, when 
Vermont was doped to have the best team, on our schedule, over two hundred students bummed the 
roads, rode freights, rode blind baggage, and rode bicycles over the long road to Burlington and back 
to see Vermont beaten 21 to 6. Later the same year the visitors' bleachers at Tufts collapsed from the 
crowd of Aggites who were seeing Tufts shut out 21 to 0. Any fool can make a success of a venture, 
circumstances permitting; but the Aggie, like Napoleon, makes his own circumstances. He travels 
when he has neither means of conveyance or money, he outplays on the gridiron men who surpass hiiu 
in age, weight, and experience. We admire the collegiate hobo like every other Aggie product. He 
is a man. 



^^% GGIE men are notorious at bumming rides. Only the other day one of them missed break- 
^^^^t fast because he had to wait half an hour in front of his fraternity house before he coull 
^^^^^^^ g^t a lift down to the Aggie Inn. They bum all over New England for football games, 
f^^ ^r and across the continent for a summer's vacation. Toward the end of November we 
suppose a couple hundred at least will take a weekend hike to Michigan and back, the first 
time the Maroon and White has lined up so far from. home. Of course we don't believe in cutting classes 
to go to football games. In fact, we are so adverse to cutting classes that we haven't taken a ci t yet this 
year, and don't intend to until our grandmother dies. Yes, poor old lady, we have it all fixed up for her 
to kick the bucket along toward the end of November. We understand that there is to be a terrible 
slaughter of grandmothers along about that time. Yes, old chap, we'll meet you at the funeral. It's 
in|Lansing. 




THE SQUIB 



ONE of Aggie's most notorious Collegiate Ho- 
boes was picked up by a Massachusetts 
flivver out in Indiana the other summer. Getting 
into conversation with the driver, our bummer 
told him that he had left Aggie the preceding 
Tuesday. "Jumping Moses," cried the driver 
as he stopped the car, "you'd better get out and 
walk. I left Springfield a week ago Tuesday, 
and have been coming ever since." 



WHAT you going to do when you are thru 
college.?" 
"Just raise cane in Florida." 



S 



HAVE you heard the joke about the well?" 
"It's a deep one." 



TTHE new park bench Avas not for the use of 
* hoboes, for on it was printed, "Women 
Have The Preference. Cigarette Throwing and 
Spitting on The Sidewalk Prohibited." 

During the night the last word was painted 
over by the town wag, and the good people of 
the town were shocked to read, "Women Have 
The Preference. Cigarette Throwing and Spitting 
on the Sidewalk." 



S 



H 



AD a stroke last summer." 
"Serious?" 
"Oh, no, just learning to swim. 



DON'T kill your wife. Let us do the dirty 
work. Wet Wash Laundry. 



H 



IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMERTIME 

IS face was unshaven, 
His pants were unpressed, 
He swore like a trooper whenever addressed. 
But when the gang labored, 
And when the gang shirked, 
He worked like the devil, 
Great Scott, how he worked! 
While the man next beside him, 
A giant in build, 
Rode to work in a limousine. 
Belly well filled. 
In a weak little voice 
He told of the wrong, 
Of the wages too low 
And the hours too long. 
At the end of the summer 
One left for his school. 
The other on strike. 
Which was which? 
You're no fool. 



A FTER a recent heavy rain one of the rail- 
^^ road engineers noticed a wash-out on the 
line — in Mrs. Murphy's Backyard. 



FIRST Co-ed (after eating a conglomeration, 
including part of the contents of a box 
from home) : "Something is radically wrong 
inside of me!" 

Second Co-ed: "Well, why don't you clear of 
radicals then?" 



THE SQUIB 






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f, Sofy^e. CO,/-/ OA,^ 



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THE SQUIB 



DESSERT LOVE 

(In the Manner of E. M. Hull) 

OHE tossed back lier short blonde curls de- 
fiantl3^ "Bruce," she hissed, "I hate you." 
He lit a scented cigarette, dropping the match 
on the priceless Persian rug and carelessly grinding 
his heel into the face of a prostrate slave. "Ah 
ma bien-aimee," he significantly replied, "after 
tonight you will no longer say that." She shud- 
dered uncontrollably. "I can't stand it. Let me 
go!" she implored him. He thrust her aside, 
then caaght her to him in a long kiss. "You will 
learn," he mocked her. Minutes passed, the long 
minutes of the desert. Darkness fell, the dreaded 
hour grew nea/er. Quietly the servants of Ahmed 
ben Shrieks entered and drew back the luxurious 
silken curtains. What horrors awaited her! Ruth- 
lessly he seized her and drew her to the inner room. 
"Come — I have waited long enough." he mur- 
mured. Bruised, beaten, defeated, she stumbled 
into the fatal room, where for the fourth time 
that week she must eat cold rice-pudding. 




A VISITOR to Florida asked a negro if he 
knew of a bathing place freefrom alligators. 
The negro took him to a nearby spot and the 
visitor enjoyed his bath tremendously, staying 
in a half hour or more. After he came out of 
the water he asked: "How is it that there are 
no alligators here.'' Everywhere else I have tried 
to bathe, the alligators have been too thick." 
"Well, there's a reason, boss: Dese here alliga- 
tors have done been all scared away by the sharks." 

Judge 

S 



COLLEGIATE HOBO'S TRAVELING KIT 



'OMPLETE outfit for the vest pocket. 1 



combination shoe, coat, hair, and tooth 



brush. 



" A LL I need now is a golf stick," murmured 
the facetious convict, as he gazed sadly 
at the ball on the links. ,-/ 



THE OLD FASHIONED TRAMP 

"1X7 E are often asked what has become of the 
old fashioned tramp. We know. He is 
getting a college education. He no longer rides 
beneath freight cars, but is invited into the caboose 
for telling the conductor how to cure his pig of 
glanders, or more often he gets rides in new lim- 
ousines. He still refuses to work for a living but 
does not refuse to draw pay a^ a student janitor. 
He no longer sleeps in a haymow, for a paternal 
state furnishes armchairs and professors to lull 
him to sleep. He does not pick his tobacco from 
the gutter, but borrows it from his friends. Yes, 
we know what has become of the old-fashioned 
tramp. 



THE SQUIB 




She said "Yes" 



S 



PIRST bug (to second bug, who 
is racing around the cornei- of 
a box of Shredded Wheat) "What's 
your hurry?" 

Second bug: It says to tear along 
this hne." 



1 



THE FIRST HUNDRED 
NSTRUCTOR of law: "What is the 
main cause of so many divorce 
cases?" 

Student (married) : "Her first bis- 
cuits." 




and he did 



THE SQUIB 



ANTI-CRUSH 

Ik^ANY love affairs I've had 

And 'loving' without love 
Rotten sport too — the last 
Guess I've had enough sad 
Affairs — with girls — in love 
Really hope my carefree days are past 
Each one has been the last 
Till now — they're called 'my past.' 



Some girls I've loved — a few loved me 

Pals perhaps — or mutuality 

At any rate I'm through 

Lasting love — marriage true 

Does not seem to me 

In any way a possibility. 

Now aren't they forced — enduring ties? 

Get hitched? It's not a naturallity. 

EPILOGUE 

How often young folks get a crush 
And revel in their dreams and mush 
Now do they last? — You bet they don't! 
Keep 'falling' hard? — You bet I won't! 



ABOUT FISH 



w 



E wonder what this feller thinks makes the 
world go 'round! 



OU tell 'em Central, my lice is busy. 



Vj^E had old Ephraim Lincoln up to school 
for supper one Friday night recently. 
We knew that Uncle Eph had fished for every 
variety of fish from summer boarders and other 
such shrimp up to whales, and asked him how 
he liked the hash house variety of pisces. 

"Fish!" snorted Uncle Ephraim, "You don't 
call that there fish do ye? I knew Doc Gordon 
had discovered lots of fossils hereabouts but 
I never thought I'd ever eat the pesky things. 
You boys ought ter be down ter Hingham where 
we have real barkin', screechin', kickin', live 
fish. 

"Yes sir. Did ye ever hear tell of green lobsters? 
They're a rare variety found only off the coasts 
of Ireland an' South Boston, real hornswoggled 
ferocious critters. Once an Ulsterman in our 
crew was eaten alive by 'em. We never dare 
to touch 'em 'till we've got 'em dead drunk, 
an' it's an awful waste of good liquor. Thet's 
why yer don't see the green ones on the markets 
no more. They turn up their noses at the stuff 
we drink nowadays. 

"Swordfishin' ? Naw, we never hev ter hunt 
a quarrel with them things. Ef there's eny around 
they come after you an' then you must draw yoi r 
swofd and square off ter defend yourself. No 
man is allowed ter risk his life on the fishin' 
grounds until he has graduated from a fencing 
school. 

"Yes, swordfishin' or lobsterin' is good excitement 
once in a while, but the most interestin' game 
of all is huntin' sardine cans. We sail into the 
middle of a swarm of sardines, so thick that the 
sea is greasy with the sardine oil. We thea 
mount our sea horses, take our nets, and ride 
out among the critters. Pretty soon we see 
a coupk dozen come together an' spin a cocoon 
of tin around themselves. Jest at the right 
time we must catch the can of sardines in our 
net, before it sinks ter the bottom. 

"Naw, thet cider ain't like old-fashioned New 
England rum, but I'll hev another swaller jest 
the same." 



THE SQUIB 



WEAKY WILLIE BLUES 

W'M pounding the road 

With my shoes fidl of feet. 
I've a space in my bean 
And a space where I eat. 

The beard on my face 
Gives a "Beaver" fan thrills; 
I look like an ad 
For the Smith Bros, pills. 

I bum my way on a freight car 
When I don't hit the grit; 
Get my clothes from the ash-can , 
And they gimme a fit! 

But you'll hear me singing 
As I hike along 

And when you've once heard me 
You'll join in my song: 

"If the river were whiskey and I were a duck — " 
etc, etc, etc. 

Let's go! 




"IJASTUS, is yo'all tired?" 

"Sam, ef Ah set down on dis ye re railroad 
track, next thing Ah'd hear'd be ol' Saint Petah 
a tellin' of me whar Ah's gwine next!" 



\T^HEN the brakeman catches you riding on 
top of a freight car it is all right to engage 
him in conversation, it may be all right to tell 
him how to prevent his hogs from getting cholera, 
but when you tell him to feed them hydrochloric 
acid, and the darn fool follows your advice, it 
does not advance the reputation of our "Feeds 
and Feeding" course. 



"l^ID you ever see plumbers carrying rifles?" 



D 

"No." OHE: "Ouch! a bee stung me!" 

"Then you did not see the R. O. T. C. drill last jjg. "Where?" 



commencement.' 



She: "Where I sat." 

He: "Yes, I know, but where did it sting you?" 
She (disgustedly) : "Well, do I sit on my 
head?" 



OECOMING disgusted with the late hours 

his daughters' beaus kept, the father turned 

the lights off at 10 P. M. From then on, he "y^URS till they take "her" out of "Amherst." 
noticed they came after ten. Squibby 




Judge: (to Irish defendant) "And now you 
have the right to challenge the jury." 

The Irish defendant: "Shure, and wid yer 
Honor's permission, I'll fight the small mon wid 
one eye, furst." 

Voo Doo 



"Ishthishyou?" 
"Yesh." 
Thash purbubly why you look so mush alike." 

Chaparral 



IN LECTURE 



Prof: "Wake that fellow next to you, will 



you 



Student: "Aw, do it yourself — you put him 
to sleep." 

Whirlwind 



Father: "My boy, you must cut out this drink- 
ing- — don't you know it shortens your life by exact- 
ly one-haK." 

Incorrigible: "Well, you see twice as much." 

Virginia Reel 



Neither Sambo or Rastus could read the time 
of day — or anything else — but Sambo had a nice 
big Ingersoll, which he exhibited with a great 
air of superiority. 

"What time am it.''" said Rastus. 

Sambo hesitated, and then extended the time- 
piece, saying: "Dar she am!" 

Rastus looked at it carefully, and said: "Dam, 
if she ain't!" 

Judge 



Tramp (to girl in the window): "Will you 
give me a sandwich for my starving companion, 
here?" 
Kind-hearted xAnimal Keeper: "Little boy, do Girl: "Here's a sandwich, but keep your 

you want a gopher.^" companion." 

Little Boy (suspiciously): "Go fer what?" Chaparral 



Amherst Book Store 



The New "John Hancock" 

Fountain Pen with ink 

cartridge $5.00 

Your name put on free with 
every pen 

Pennants, Banners and Pillow 
Tops for sale here 



C. F. DYER 



A clergyman who took an occasional glass had 
an Irishman clean out his cellar for him. The 
Irishman brought forth many whiskey bottles 
and lifted each to the sun and looked thru it. 

The preacher saw him and said: "They're 
all dead ones, Pat." 

"They are that," said Pat, "and there's a good 
thing about it, they had the benefit of having a 
minister with them when they were dying." 

Froth 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 
THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

IVe Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Ball Teams 
Also to — 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — Come Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



TRIKE 



IGARI 



:a?^ 



IS one 
extra 
process 

delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 



UNITED STATES HOTEL 

Lincoln, Beach and Kingston St., Boston, Mass. 

BOSTON HEADQUARTERS FOR M. A. C. 



Rooms with hot and cold running water, $2.00 up 
Rooms with bath - - - - 3.00 up 

Club Breakfast, 30c to $1 .30 (1 5 combinations) 
Daily and Sunday Luncheon, 75c and $1 .00 
Daily and Sunday Dinner, $1 .25 

NEAR BOSTON'S BEST GARAGES 



James G. Hickey, Manager 



F. M. Thompson & Son 

Hart, Schaffner&Marx Clothes 

Kirschbaum Clothes 

H. & P. Gloves 

Ba-Ba Sheep Lined Coats 

Parker, Arrow & Tyson Shirts 

Interwoven Sox 

Van Heuson Collars 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

Clothes for Aggie Men 
for Thirty-five Years 



First Kindergarten Teacher: "And how many- 
children have you?" 

Second K. Teacher: "Twenty-nine. And how 
many have you?" 

First K. Teacher: "Thirty-six." 

Pat, in seat ahead: "Say, what part of Ireland 
are ye from?" 

Ptippet 



Closed and Open Cars 20 Passenger Bus 

Follow your athletic teams 

CALL 

CITY TAXICAB CO. 

Tel . 96- W 

Draper Building Edw. Sarazin, Prop. 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

"You can depend on Our Service" 



o 



w 



fl^ 




o 



S A 



Ipse Dixit 
and Galileo 



There was much learning but 
little real knowledge in Galileo's 
time (1564-1642). Aristotle was 
swallowed in bad Latin transla- 
tions. Ipse dixit. No one checked 
him by what seemed vulgar, 
coarse experiment. 

Galileo fought against the 
dead hand of tradition. He did 
not argue about Aristotle, but 
put him to the test. Aristotle led 
his readers to believe that of two 
bodies the heavier will fall the 
faster. Galileo simply climbed 
to the top of the Leaning Tower 
of Pisa and dropped two un- 
equal weights. The "best peo- 
ple" were horrified; they even 
refused to believe the result — 
that the weights reached the 
ground in equal times. 

"Look at the world, and ex- 



periment, 
Galileo. 



experiment," cried 



The biggest man in the i6th 



century was not Galileo in pop- 
ular estimation, but Suleimkn 
the Magnificent, the Ottoman 
Emperor, who swept through 
Eastern Europe with fire and 
sword and almost captured 
Vienna. Where is his magnifi- 
cence now? 

Galileo gave us science — 
established the paramount 
right of experimental evidence. 
Suleiman did little to help the 
world. 

Hardly an experiment is made 
in modern science, which does 
not apply Galileo's results. 
When, for instance, the physic- 
ists in the Research Laboratories 
of the General Electric Company 
study the motions of electrons 
inrarified atmospheres, or exper- 
iment to heighten the efficiency 
of generators and motors, they 
follow Galileo's example and 
substitute facts for beliefs, 



-s> 



GeneralwiElecTtric 

general Office C0111p3.nV Sche ne ctady.M.Y. 



qS-bSJ-UD 
§ 



IT PAYS TO INSIST ON ARROWS 




tgoo 



ordorv 



""Arrow shirt 



I 



T is made of a better oxford, in a fine tailor-like 
way, with sound big buttons put on to stay. 
It is essentially a shirt built for service. The shirt 
has an attached collar made by the expert Arrow 
collar makers. It buttons in the back and at the 
tips. The cuffs are of the French model, or they 
have single cuffs which button with one button 

CLUETT, PEABODY ^ C O. IN C.^i^^ers, TROY, N. Y. 



.■4- , J'Cl 




Q.^Cy 



l^ 



"U/ 



-H^, 



--'.- *■■ 




I ' 









Winchester Sporting 
and 
i Athletic Goods 

Hardware, Plumbing 
1 and 

Heating 

Mutual Plumbing and 
Heating Co. 


Catering for Banquets and 
Proms, Bats and Informals 

Best of Food and 
Prices Guaranteed 

Albert B. Bias 

Phone 252-M AMHERST, MASS. 


ANOTHER RECORD GONE 

"Don't you like that?" 
"Yes, that's fine." 
(Pause) 

"It's nice on the other side too." 11 
"All right. I '11 take it, and give me some Bruns- 
wick needles too." 

Sun Dial 


The skin game:^ — Designing evening gowns. 

"Oklahoma Whirlwind." 


Amherst Book Store 

The New "John Hancock" 
Fountain Pen with ink 
cartridge $5.00 

Your name put on free with 
every pen 

Pennants, Banners and Pillow 
1 ops for sale here 

C. y. DYER 


Hortense: "Why do the boys say that Helen 
is like a lemon?" 

Eleanor: "I don't know unless it's because 
she's soft from constant squeezing." 

''Oklahoma Whirlwind." 


You Will Take Pride 

in ordering and riding in one of our cars. 
We are proud of our cars, both open and 
closed, and maintain them in spick and 
span condition. 

For the Best 

Phone Northampton 

-80- 

COLLEGE TAXI CO. 
Near Boyden's Northampton 



printing 



^nling 



binding 



(< 



The Kind Worth While ' ' 




Excelsior Printing Co. 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 



F. M. Thompson & Son 



Hart, Schaffner&Marx Clothes 
Kirschbaum Clothes 

H. & P. Gloves 

Ba-Ba Sheep Lined Coats 

Parker, Arrow & Tyson Shirts 
Interwoven Sox 

Van Heuson Collars 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

Clothes for Aggie Men 
for Thirty-five Years 



LOUDER 

Blake: "Who was that fellow you talked to so 
long on the corner?" 

Soak: "He was my old bar-keeper." 
Blake: "What did he say?" 
Soak: "He said, 'no.'" 

Tiger 



Despondent (disappointed in love): "O, hang! 
I'm going down and jump off the bridge." 

Roommate (like a room-mate): "Wait a min- 
ute and I'll go down and watch you." 

Bearskin 



THEIR FIRST VISIT 

Freshman's Parents: "Is this where Robert 
Jones lives?" 

Irate Landlady: "Yes, bring him in." 

Puppet 



"She asked me to kiss her on either cheek." 
"Which one did you kiss her on?" 
"I hesitated a long time between them." 

Burr 



G. S. ALLEN 



Contractor and 
Builder 



1 1 South Pleasant Street 



Amherst, Mass. 



The Amherst 
Taxi Company 


Belle (protestingiy) : "Don't do that." 
Jack: "Dearest, don't you crave affection.^" 
Bell: "Yes, but why treat me like a cafeteria 
and help yourself.^" 

Pitt Panther 


Cars by the day, hour or trip 

Aggie! Phone 6 
We'll do the rest 




Modesty is a very nice trait but when a girl 
refuses to sleep in the same room with a rubber 
plant, that is carrying it to extremes. 

Biirr 


Office: Main Street, Opposite Town Hall 

B. G. TORRENCE, Mgr. 


CUT IT, FELLOWS, CUT IT 

He (making the time-worn excuse) : "I'm afraid 
we'll have to stop here; the engine's getting pretty 
warm." 

Fair Companion: "You men are such hypo- 
crites; you always say 'the engine'." 

Colgate Banter 


Quicky Dependable 
Service In Our Cars 


She: "Bill is just like a cup of coffee." 
He: "Always hot?" 

She: "No, but he keeps me awake nights." 

Purple Cow 

■ 


\ homas F. Walsh 

Collegiate Outfitters 


"A bow-legged girl may be healthy, but she 
is undoubtedly in bad shape." 

Virginia Reel 


Innoceuce: "I knew the heroine would be 
fine just as soon as the curtain went up." 

Gay Bird: "I was sure of that before it got 
up three feet." 

Purple Cow 


HirifFY FRFFMAW riATurc 


Please — 
, No- 
Why not^ — 
Just because 
Because why 

You wouldn't understand — 

The suspense is terrible, isn't it people, but 
I'm just as bad off as you are because that's all 
I could hear thru the key hole myself. 

Colgate Banter 


nitivEii — rRLIl 

'"I he Wear 


• Is There" 



^tftingB 



®Ije mtor taiith from hnmn to hnvk 

Aa ly? m^hth tlye tcp culJi atream. 

Attb lye tuaatyeli nut Ijunbreba of pounba of h\vt 

^Oi Qtt tlye Urn ttuggetfi ttyat gUam. 

An^ lyta 00-calUb fmttba in tljp totun back lyome 

Aa tiyeji rorkrJi itt tlyrtr raag rljaira, 

?Explatneb lyom iame Ifottttm^mnh for ttyr weak 

Jn tlye laitli of tlye polar beara. 

2[lyere*a mattg a toag of beating tlye game 

®nt panning tlye hufs not one. 

2[lye man mlyo monlJi aift tlje golli from tlye Jiroaa 

iHnat labor from ann to ann. 



Siftings Number 



December, 1922 




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£ 



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[aDDDQD 

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PDDD 

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SnnDD 
<aDDna 



DO >wr ^ 
QOO. V. 

aaDD Vi. 

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Doaaadai 

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iDanni 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



LITERARY EDITOR 

F. B RUNNER, '24 

ART EDITOR 

R. NOYES, '24 

EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. E. PADDOCK, '23 



EDITOR-IN-CHIEP 

T. T. ABELE, '23 

MANAGING EDITOR 

C. A. TOWNE, '23 

BUSINESS MANAGER 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 



ADVERTISING MANAGER 

C. E. BOWES, '24 

CIRCULATION MANAGER 

E. F. LAMB, '24 

ASST. BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 



^ 



The Attftie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
In the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiTing 



'¥T^HY is it that in a battle of tongues, she 



that holds her own, doesn't. f*" 



Flamingo 



I 



HANG my head in shame everytime I 
see the family wash in the back yard." 
"Oh, do they?" 

U. of Buffalo "Bison" 



THE SQUIB 



NO QUESTION ABOUT IT 

>ROF: "Who was the greatest inventor?" 
Stude: "An Irishman named Pat. Pending." 

U. of Buffalo ''Bison" 



AND HE FELL FOR HER! 

THE moon cast its pale, seductive beams over 
the couple in the hammock. As they came 
up for air, he murmured, "Dearest, we will be 
married in the fall." "But, My Own," she cried, 
"That is so long to wait!" But as they were 
not farsighted they leaned backward in the ham- 
mock, and the fall came much sooner than they 
expected ! 

Froth 



OF prehistoric stone days, 
I wonder if it's known 
If dirty little cave men 
Used Ivory Soapstone.f* 

II 

If so, a slight prediction 

I'll condescend to make; 
I'll bet that every evening 

They dined on marble cake! 

Ill 

Since stone age men, they tell me. 

Were used to stone alone. 
Each neolithic soda fount 

Sold lithia and limestone. 

Mass. Tech ''Voodoo'' 



HIE"— ■ ■"" 




f^^oS? ^ggS 



M 



RS. Newlywed: "I want to buy a nice easy- 
chair for my husband." 
Salesman: "Morris.?" 
Mrs. Newlywed: "No, Clarence." 

Mass. Tech. "Voodoo" 



SHE was a trustful little Freshman Maid, 
And he was a Senior, — doughty, dignified. 
Their mad flirtation shocked professors staid. 
And those who knew the game smiled or sighed 

Too late remorse within his bosom raged: 
He broke it to her gently. "Dear girl, try 

To bear up bravely. Peggy, I'm engaged;" 
"Are you? How nice!" she said. "Why, 
so am I!" 



Chaparral 



HE: "How foolish we were when we were 



OH! IS IT? 

SWEET Young Miss: "Will you charge a 
loaf of bread for me?" 
He: "Yes, and how young we were when we j^^^gj^ ^lerk: "Sorry lady, but this is a grocery 



s 

were married 



store. Not a battery station." 



Goblin 



Bean Pot 



THE SQUIB 



WHEEE LANTERNS GLOW 



PHI BETACIDE 



THE curtains swayed. A white man sat hunched 
over a tiny table in the corner, his hat 
pulled over his eyes. Heavy oriental drapes 
hung on the walls; thick dark carpets covered 
the floor. In one corner knelt Wa-Wong, offering 
up incense and saying his prayer to the great 
Chinese god, Foo. 

The man continued to eat, watching all the while 
that kneeling figure. A servant approached Wa- 
Wong with a bowl of rice, but he was waved im- 
patiently away. The incense grew thicker, the 
yellow man's voice became fainter, the white 
man's eating grew faster. 

Then the Chinaman withdrew behind the 
curtains, softly, stealthily. The visitor seemed 
unmindful of any danger and was intent only 
on his rice which had that delicious dark sauce 
over it. 

. , . . A sharp cry! .... The man 
rose slowly to his feet — staggered — then fell, 
moaning, to the carpet. The two gray eyes that 
peered from behind the curtains belonged to 
the worshipper of the shrine. . . 

The physician who entered the room some time 
later, made a quick examination of the suffering 
man. Turning to the Chinaman with the gray 
eyes, he exclaimed in disgust, "Another stomach 
ache from your dirty Chink hash-houses!" 

Malteaser 



S 



PROF: (after a trying first hour class): "Some 
time ago my doctor told me to exercise 
early every morning with dumb-bells. Will the 
class report tomorrow before breakfast. Dismissed." 

Froth 



S 



I BOUGHT an alarm clock once. 
It was a good clock, 
Having glass you could see through. 
And when it fell over 
It didn't break. 
But one morning 
It went off 

At the time I set it for. 
And woke me up 
In time for class. 
I threw it 
Away. 



MAIDEN at college named Breeze, 
Weighed down by B.A.'s and M.Deeze, 
Collapsed from the strain. The Doc said, " 'Tis 

plain 
She's been killing herself by degrees." 

U. of W. ''Octopus" 



THE Ladies' Aid Society's weekly meeting 
will be hell at the home of Mrs. Hotchkuss 
this Wednesday." — Church Bulletin. 
One on the printer's devil. 

Flamingo 



AL: "Will that new kind of collar you adver- 
tise make me look like that fellow in the ad?" 
Clerk: "Well, it might." 

Al: "Then let me look at your other styles, 
please." 

U. of Buffalo "Bison" 







MONTREAL 




to 






up 
went 
Yank 




Up- 


on a 

Summer's 
day. 


He 

downed 






And went 
b 


a 

quart 

of 

Gordon 

g 
i 






a 
c 
k 

h 
o 


n 






m e 



hi 



w a 



Goblin 



'Tver hear the story about the golden fleece.'^" 



"No; do they bite.?" 



Juggler 



Princeton Tiger 



THE SQUIB 




Sdi to rials 



M. ^ftOW that the little squirrels are merrily chasing nuts thru the treetops, and the sound of 

M^L^r ^^^ soup-plate is heard o'er the hash house, it behooves Squibby, the student's friend and 

^m W youth's companion, to sit down before its trusty (don't get this wrong — not rusty!) type- 

^B M writer and let slip the dogs of rhetoric. This issue contains a tonic for the autumn blues 

and soul-shaking quizzes. There has for some time been simmering in the massive domes 

of the editors the idea that it wouldn't be so bad to give you a man-sized sample of what other colleges 

were putting out. Comparisons are odious.' We defy the odours, and present a snappy selection of 

mental jags. We're not selfish — we yearn not to laugh alone. Meanwhile, the old beans are percolating 

busily and the well-sharpened Venuses pencils — pencils, — read the ads and don't jump to conclusions!) 

are slinging the bunk for a fat and frivolous edition early next term. Hop to it, not forgetting to thank 

the thoughtful editors for this generous helping of hash — and remembering that any line can be improved 

by a few of our tried and tested T. N. T.'s,. 



m ^^OW would you like to be official candy taster at Page & Shaw's? We wouldn't. We've 
M^m^ lost our liking for newspaper humor as a result of sampling so much of the real, of the so- 
^^^^^^ called, and of the attempted, and we do not want to lose our liking for good candy. The 
^^v ^ wise guys tell us that men seldom have any original ideas after they have passed the age 
^^ of twenty-five. We think the average professional humorist must therefore be past 

fifty; — nothing but wise cracks about woman's rolling pin, woman's tongue, and woman's clothes or 
want thereof; the young brother hiding behind the sofa or collecting his blackmail; et cetera ad infini- 
tum. Some of the contributors to the college papers, however, are sufficiently young so they have not 
yet died of dry rot, and we have collected here the best material in the forty or fifty leading college 
papers in the country. Lord knows these ideas are not all entirely original. Scriptures or Bill Shake- 
speare, or Dean Burns or somebody, says there are only seven truly original jokes, but believe me 
kid, some of these old jokes are dressed up in such new and startling rags that Bud Fisher wouldn't 
know when to laugh at any of them. We like them. We hope you will. 



THE SQUIB 



WHY SECRETARIES GO WRONG 



THE door of Crandall's inner office opened 
slowly, softly. A mouse-like head was 
inserted through the aperture; clearing his throat, 
Warner said very softly and very distinctly — 
as the perfect secretary should — "Lady to see 
you, sir." 

"My wife?" 

"Well — she looks like your wife, only her hair 
is very dark." 

"Just a minute." Crandall consulted a memo- 
randum. "Yes — show her in. She's brunette on 
Fridays." 

Malteaser 





ALICE: "Don't you think Betty made a 
very suitable mate?" 

Phyllis: "Yes, indeed; you know what a nervous, 
excitable girl she was? Well, she married a 
composer." 

Flamingo 



ORTHOGRAPHICALLY speakbg, it is to be 
wondered at that the columnists have not 
accredited Godiva, upon returning from her ride, 
with'saying, "Godiva cold." 

Lord Jeff 



**' I 'HIS is my car," exploded the irate tourist 
^ to the garage man, "and what I say about 
it goes — see?" Just then a dirty-faced machinist 
crawled out from under the machine and said, 
"Say 'engine,' mister." 

Bison 



SHE : "You raised your hat to that girl who 
passed. You don't know her, do you?" 

He: "No, but my brother does and this is his 
hat." 

U. of C. Phoenix 



FATHER: "I've told you time and again not 
to see that young man, and now for the last 
time I tell you not to have anything to do with 
him." 

She: (sobbing) "Oh father, I want Jack, I do 
want Jack." 

Father: "All right. Here's a himdred dollars, 
but remember what I said." 

Oklahoma Whirlwind 



THEY were standing next to the family Vic- 
trola, she, a young girl, dressed in the height 
of fashion, with a gown that barely covered things; 
he, older and sedate, a man of the world, most 
cognizant of things. 

He spoke, in a voice richly vibrant, "Dear, little 
girl," and, motioning towards the Victrola, he 
continued, "Please put on something." 

She turned around to him, her eyes ablaze 
with indignation. "If that is what you think of 
my taste in clothes you may leave the house 
immediately." 



Crushed, he left the room. 



Froth 



'HE Emigrant's Progress — 

Clod— Sod— Hod— Plod— Wad. 



Bison 



THE SQUIB 




1HEAR that the Jewish golf players don't 
call 'Fore' before a shot anymore." 
"Why not?" 
"They've made it '3.98'." 

Flamingo 



ACQUAINTED 

SAMBO: "You know, Rastus, dat every time 
Ah kiss mall wife she close her eyes an' 
holler?" 

Rastus: "Ah say she do!" 
Sambo: "What's dat, Nigger?" 
Rastus: "iVh say, do she?" 

Orange Owl 



WHAT kind of men usually loaf?" 
"The kind that have the dough." 

Record 



TURNING THE TABLES 



SERENADE 

¥N my hand I had balloons, 

Red balloons. 
Blue Balloons, 
Balloons of yellow. 
I let go of them, 
Vari-colored and rubber. 
But what? 

They do not float oflF, 
Like cinders from a smokestack: 
They drop sullenly to the ground 
Like showers of plum-fruits. 
Now I see it all 

As I see the bottom of the bowl 
When the stew is eaten — 
Now I see it all, 
I see why they dropped. 
Rubber balloons. 
I forgot to blow them up. 
How careless of me ! 



I HAD a date with Bill's girl, Kate, and swiftly 
the hours flew while I held her hand (you can 
understand) and took a kiss or two. When I 
told her good night I did it right because I like 
her fine and to give Kate a kiss, is not so amiss — 
as Bill is a brother o'mine! 



II 



It was just 8:03 when I went to see the girl 
that wears my pin; she was waiting there, dolled 
up for fair, and says she "Come on in." It wasn't 
so bright when we turned off the light, (a fact 
which I never forget). Now she doesn't smoke, 
so it wasn't a joke when I tasted a cigaret. It 
was queer as the deuce but she gave no excuse 
and I failed to understand till I found some pills 
that were plainly Bill's, for he smokes a peculiar 
brand. The deal was rough and my luck was 
tough but I'm not a creature to whine; still that 
beastly trick makes me fairly sick — as Bill is a 
brother o' mine! 



Brown Jug 



Oklahoma Whirlwind 



THE SQUIB 



MARCUS: "Lizbeth has knocked around quite 
a bit. One reason for her exquisite 
beaiity, I suppose?" 



Marlus: "Yes, that comes from jars." 



Phoenix 



*'|i^Ex\N trick the Human Skeleton played 
AVI on the Fat Lady." 

"What was that?" 

"Pinned a notice on her back: 'DETOUR 
HERE.' " 

Sun Dodger 



NOW WE WONDER 

WHEN the sunlight's at its brightest 
You're not bothered, not the slightest. 
You just go put on the lightest 

Little skirt you have that's new. 
Then you trip along so lightly 
In those clothes that shield you — slightly. 
Say! Why do you wear a skirt 
That we can see — 



right- 



through ? 



Ol'lahoma Whirlwind 



THE other day 
Our prof came into 
The classroom smiling 
Sweetly upon our 
Moonish faces and 
He said You fellows 
Know your eggs so 
Well that I can 
Assure you of getting 
By in this course and 
Now the class is excused 
For the day and 
Remember Don't study 
Too hard because 
Some of you are delicate 
And just then 
The door opened and 
A few members of the 
Faculty came in with 
A cop and 
Took our Prof 
To the Nut-House 
Just when he 
Was getting brains. 
Poor Prof! 



Oklahoma Whirlwind 



'Tt^Y lawyer is on the job yet." 
"I thought he was dead!" 
"Yes, but he's lying still." 



Octopvs 



S 



S. P. C. A. TAKE NOTICE 

MAUDIE: "What's wrong with the car? 
It squeaks dreadfully." 

Jimmie: "Can't be helped: there's pig iron 
in the axles." 

Columbia Jester 



CONTRARY to popular superstition, Spain is 
not the scene of the world's finest bull- 
fights. Consider our Congress. 

Flamingo 



THEY had been spinning along in the moon- 
light for over an hour, with no sound save 
the soft, even purr of the motor. He consistently 
kept both hands on the steering-wheel, and there 
was plenty of elbow room when he shifted gears. 
Suddenly the motor coughed convulsively and 
stopped with a dismal wheeze. He looked at 
her gravely for a moment, then said, "I'm awfully 
sorry, but I'm afraid the engine is dead." 

"Indeed," she said icily, "Well, it has plenty of 
company." 

An hour later the MOTOR was still dead. 

Froth 



THE SQUIB 




'OOY, call me a taxi." 

"All right, you're a taxi." 



Voodoo 



THE SQUIB 



I 



THE CYNIC CYS 

T would seem that in these times all family 

skeletons are not kept in the closet. 
Some frequent the bathing beaches. 

Malteaser 



NURSE: "Well, it's a girl." 
Father: "And I just sold the porch swing 
this morning!" 

Mugwump 



OUR IDEA OF ULTRA-MODERNISM 
/CUTTING in on a petting party. 

Purple Cow 



IRATE Wife: "And how did you get that 
cut on your forehead.!^" 
Envied Gent: "Musta — hie — bit — myself." 
Irate Wife: "Oh, Heavens! How could you 
bite yourself up there.?" 

Envied Gent: "I guesh I mush a stood on 
a chair." 

Jay 



TPHE governor called his secretary. 
^ "See here, Jenks, look at this letter. I 
can't make out whether it's from my tailor or 
my attorney. They're both named Smith." 
And this is what Jenks read : 
"I have commenced your suit. Ready to be 
tried on Thursday, — Smith." 

Lampoon 



TOO FAR 

FIRST Junior: "Did you get the second ques- 
tion in calculus.'*" 
Second Junior: "No." 

First Junior: "How far were you from the right 
answer?" 

Second Junior: "Five seats." 

Froth 



A PRECARIOUS SITUATION 

^ I 'HIS is the tale of a bath, 
* With a personal touch that is rare; 

And under it lies the moral 

That it's often in order to swear. 

Now those who indulge in the practice 

(No offense is taken, I hope) 
Will tell you that all the glory 

Of a shower lies in the soap. 

If you'll pardon a personal reference, 
I'll tell you just how I proceed; 

For the climax depends entirely 
On the manner of doing the deed. 

I envelop my entire person 

In a profuse lather of soap, 
A copious, glorious suit of suds; 

And then the faucet I ope. 

And the limpid waters gushing 
Flow from their wonted source; 

And that's the end of the lather. 
And the end of the bath, perforce. 

Now one cold winter's morning 

I'd laid deep plans to elope; 
And of course I hurried the shower, 

Ajid reached the stage of the soap. 

And then I turned on the faucet. 
But my soul went sick with disgust; 

For the limpid waters failed to flow — 
The shower was dry as dust. 

It was two long, frigid hours 

Before the faucet would ope; 
And there I froze in my lather — 

That copious, glorious soap! 

And I thought of the girl that was waiting 
And the suit of suds that I wore; 

And I cursed the guy that invented baths; 
Can you blame me, girls, that I swore.? 

Froth 



S 



I MET my fiancee in a department store 
today." 
"Where Adam met Eve, huh?" 
"Where Adam met Eve, how come?" 
"Why, Adam met Eve at the rib encounter." 

Pitt Panther 



THE SQUIB 



NEMESIS 



I 



WOKE to look upon a face 

Silent, white and cold, 
Oh! friend the agony I felt 

Can never half be told. 
We'd lived together but a year. 

Too soon it seemed, to see 
Those gentle hands outstretched and still. 

That toiled so hard for me. 
My waking thoughts had been of one 

Who now to sleep had dropped, 
T'was hard to realize, Oh! friend 

My Ingersoll had stopped. 

Goblin 



MOTHER (of her): "Margie had the cutest 
dimpled knees when she was a child." 
He: "Well, for that matter she still ha — er 
ah — I mean most children have." 

Oklahoma Whirlwind 



I 



IF 



F you can keep your girl when all about you 
Are wanting and keep calling her for a date; 
If you can keep her wondering, hoping, fearing. 
Yet happy even though she has to wait; 
If you can flirt with other girls yet not too often, 
Ajid being caught^ — can pass it off as fun; 
If you can do all this, yet keep your virtue 
You'll surely be a ladies' man, my son. 

Malteaser 







LETTERS 



r^EAR PARENTS, 



I've been suffering from eye strain lately. 

SON. 

Dear Son, 

Please don't study so hard. 

MOTHER 

Dear Son, 

Keep away from the front rows of musical 
comedies. 

FATHER 

Virginia Reel 



I AM a pretty girl! 

* Yesterday I was only a baby, yelling with 

fist in my mouth. 

Tomorrow I will be wrinkled and faded. 

But today I am pretty 

Yesterday I was helpless 

Tomorrow I will be experienced but lonesome 

But today my beauty makes me all powerful 
with^men ! 

Other women say I have no sense 

I don't need it 

I am a pretty girl. 

Chaparral 



SAY, Rastus, how did you ever make the 
football team.?" 

"Well, sah, you see dey only had ten headgears." 

Flamingo 



THE SQUIB 



THE THIN, BLUE FLAME OF GENIUS 

THE photo-playwright welcomed his producer 
to his sumptuous country home, "Grand- 
mere;" which the photo-playwright had purchased 
out of his current royalties. They plunged into 
business details at once. 

"Have you," began the host, "advertised my 
new story .'^" 

"Yes, indeed!" declared the producer, lighting 
the proffered cigar. 

"And you gave all the magazines my latest 
picture?" 

The producer blew out a cloud of blue smoke 
and rolled about comfortably in his host's chair. 
"They've got it, every last one of them." 

"Have you selected your cast and arranged for 
special lighting effects.?" 

"I've got Bronson on that, so it will be letter- 
perfect." 

"Good. I suppose you've arranged an itinerary 
so that I may appear only before the largest 
playhouses?" 

"I have." 

The famous photo-playwright nodded in satisfac- 
tion. "Well- — give the papers my interviews and get 
a dinner engagement with President Harding, 
and—" 

The producer laughed until his pink cheeks 
shook. "Man — I had that all arranged for a 
week ago. All I need now is your scenario. Make 
it a good story, now." 

"Very w^ell. I shall start this evening." The 
writer rose to his feet, signifying the interview 
was over. "And you may call for it tomorrow 
morning, sure." Malteaser 




"r\ON'T keep pestering me." 
'^ "Then you won't marry me?" 
*T wouldn't even be engaged to you at a summer 
resort." 

Flamingo 




A 



WELL balanced meal. 



Chaparral 



¥UDGE (to defendant charged with chasing 
•^ his wife): "Sir, what do you mean by this 
outrageous action?" 

Defendant: "AVell, doctors' orders, judge." 

Judge: "Explain yourself, sir." 

Defendant: "Why, he said to give her a pint 
of whiskey and chaser." 

Oklahoma Whirlwind 



INQUISITIVE (at funeral of friend's husband) : 
*' "I see you gotta new grandfather's clock." 
Widow: "That ain't no clock — that's John! 
We had to stand him up in the corner to make 
room for the mourners." 

Harvard Lampoon 



THE SQUIB 







1 Cv 3 2. 



AY Young Wife: "Do hurry, John, we shall be frightfully late! You spend hours dressing?" 

John: "Well, if I didn't dress, people would say we couldn't afford clothes." 

Voodoo 



'HPHIS leaves me flat," said the toad as the 
steam roller passed over him. 



Brown Bull 



S 



TENNIS ROMANCE 



1 ¥E played at love, and raised the deuce, 
He thought it merry sport, 
But she raised an awful racket, 
And it ended up in court. 



Froth 



AT THE FRESHMAN DORMS 

'¥ JUST got hold of a tender piece of meat." 
"Impossible!" 
"Yes, I just bit my lip." 

Lampoon 



¥ ¥E (after introduction) : "Pardon me, but 
I didn't quite catch the name." 
She: "Never mind the name. It's me you're 
after, isn't it.?" 

Tiger 



THE SQUIB 



fUST because a guy has been to college is no 

sign he'll never amount to anything. 
Some of 'em do. 

Oklahoma Whirlwind 



CHARLIE: "Do you know that when I see 
Archie I'm always reminded of the Ancient 
Greeks." 

Bertie: "Their classic features, eh.''" 
Charlie: "Nope, their marble domes." 

Froth 



DUMB-BELLS 

MAN who neglected to look on the fatal 
finger of her left hand before trying to 
put his arm around her. 

Boob going do^Tistairs in the dark who, when 
haK way down, imagines he is on the last step. 

Professor who thinks men students who wear 
glasses got weak eyes from studying. 

Freshman who forgets his cap. 

Boy who was in S. A. T. C. and imagines he 
was in the army. 

Rushee who believes everything in a fraternity 
song. 

Rookie who imagines he has a soldierly appear- 
ance. 

Freshman who thinks he will always be treated 
by the older fraternity members as he was during 
rush-week. 

Would-be-poker-player who forgets occasionally 
that there are better hands than three of a kind. 

Student who always wears all his fraternity 
jewelry. 

Cake-eater who thinks he is a finished product 
socially, because girls like to dance with him. 

Co-eds who believe all that men tell them. 

Politician who thinks he would have been elected 
if the "machine" had not run over him. 

And last, but not least, the Senior who imagines 
he will start out as General Manager of some 
concern because he has been elected to Phi Beta 
Kappa. 

Brown Bull 



ONE OF THOSE PROBLEMS NOT 

THOROUGHLY DEALT WITH 

IN HISTORY 1-2 

OOME time ago, when in my youth, 
I used to ponder how, in truth. 
Our ancestors could e'er exist; 
So many things they must have missed. 
They had no movies, history states, 
No phones on which to make their dates. 
No medicines to cure their pains. 
No motorboats, no aeroplanes, 
No railroad lines, no motor-cars. 
No cigarettes, and no cigars; 
They didn't have electric light. 
They always stayed at home at night; 
To them, a jazz band was unknown, 
They'd never heard a saxophone; 
They'd never played a phonograph. 
Nor undergone a shower bath, 
And man, in those days, had no chance 
To revel in a modem dance; 
Then there were trifles which, no doubt. 
We simply could not do without; 
Such as the modern paper clip 
Or garters with a velvet grip. 
Their life, as near as I could see. 
Was one eternal misery. 



But now, such notions that I had, 

Are gone away, — and I am sad. 

For, after all, those men of old 

Had all the booze that they could hold! ! 

Which gives more pleasure, do you think.'' 

A nice new invention or a good old drink. 

I must confess that I would choose. 

If I could have my choice, the booze. 

Brown Jug 



THE other day I was out walking with my girl 
and we went past a big heap of rubbish, 
she spied a pile of condensed milk cans and cried, 
"Oh, Gee! look at the cow's nest." 

Juggler 



T^HE girl who wears these absurd modern clothes 
is doing so merely as a matter of form. 



Malteaser 



THE SQUIB 



i^NCE there was a 
Young fellow 
Who went to take 
His girl 
To the 
Theater. 

She was ready when 
He came. 
And he was so 
Surprised 
That he went and 
Fainted. 
So they were 
Late 
Anyway. 

Jade 




PUT in your call and take what you get. 
Chaparral 



TPHE other night 

I went to see 

My girl 

And while we were 

Sitting in the parlor 

I told her I was 
thirsty. 

So she went out 

And brought me 

A glass 

Of water. 

And I told her 

That I was 

THIRSTY, 

Not 

DIRTY. 

Mirror 



A N idealist is a man who can look at a pretty 



TAKE it from me," said the Senior, "there 
are twokinds of women you can't trust. 



girl and not think about how much she 

costs. Those with bobbed hair and those without it." 

Malteaser Black and Blue Jay 

S S 
O CRUEL FATE 

IN August — they met — in the mountains — Till — finally — one day — the unkind prof 

— under a silver moon — on the shore of bawled him out — before all the class — and 



[N August — they met — in the mountains— 
— under a silver moon — on the shore of 

a beautiful lake — 'neath whispering pines 

**** 

and they sat — and they sat— and they sat. 

**** 

each looking into the other's eyes and 
each whispering sweet nothings into the 
other's ear — one sighing when the other 

sighed 
and loved — and loved — and LOVED ! 

But then, alas, alack, came the day of 
parting, when each must go his way, but to 
fool Fate they enrolled in the same college 
where they sat side by side and all day 

they gazed — and they gazed — and GAZED ! 
into 
each other's 
eyes. 



before his beloved — and she heard it all 



and laughed — and laughed — and LAUGHED! 

**** 

Imagine! And the fellow's beloved laughed. 

And then, O ye immortal gods and suffering 
fishes of the sea, how he despised her, 
abhorred her; and then as never before 
he saw her crossed eyes, her freckled nose, 
her fiji-island hair, and her bow-legs. 

and he loved — and he loved — and he LOVED! 

alas 
alack 

NO MORE 



THE SQUIB 



THE LAST LAP 



THAT a^-ful moment — when the only girl is 
daintily washing the pre-fudge dishes, and 
you're stepping in and out of the way trying to 
watch her and really be of assistance — and you 
can't stand the strain any longer — and as you 
start to kiss her she turns and puts the dish cloth 
in your mouth — ! 

Beanpot 



ETC. 

ONE smile makes a flirtation 
One flirtation makes two acquamted 
Two acquamted makes one kiss 
One kiss makes several more 
Several kisses make an engagement 
One engagement makes two fools 
Two fools make one marriage. . . . 



\X^OMEN who have never seen a sailing vessel 
^ " can always recognize a smack. 



Malteaser 



I 



IF 



F I hold her hand she thinks I'm bold; 

If I don't, she thinks I'm mighty cold; 
If I muss her hair, she calls for mother; 
If I don't, she is sure to call me "brother;" 
If I try to kiss her, it's: "No you don't;" 
If not, she'll entice me for fear I wont; 
If I tell her my love, she starts to cry; 
If I don't, its: "Here's your hat, goodbye — 



M'GOSH MAN, 
TO DO.? 



Jester 



WHAT AM I GOING 



Juggler 



R 



"IN THE SPRING"— 

UTH. , would you if I asked you.^" 
"What?" 
"Kiss m^-." 
"Not now, George." 
"Aw^ — come on, just one." 
"No, George, not now." 
"Be a sport, one is all I want." 
"Not now, George." 
"Well, I guess it's up to me to take it." 
! ! ECSTASY ! ! 
(lapse of time) 
"Don't you think, Ruth, we ought to quit before 



anyone sees \\s>: 

"Not now, George." 



MY: "I'm sorry, but Mother told me I 
wasn't to kiss you goodnight any more." 
Andy: "No more, but just as much." 

Bison 



Oklahoma Whirlwind 



ADMIRING Matron: "Young man, those 
finely chiseled lips shoulcl be on a girl's face." 
Cake Eater: "Madam, I assure you I miss 
few opportunities. 

Oklahoma Whirlwind 



S 



UP-TO-DATE QUEEN 



" 71/1 AY I kiss the royal hand?" T^WO wild and storm-bathed, transient ships 

iTI. "My faitliful subject," replied the young * Unchartred, roaming where they list, 
woman, with the air of one gently chidmg him. Brought home their fragrant cargo — dreams- 

"what is the matter with the royal lips?" To port, when we two kissed. 



Oklahoma Whirlwind 



Tiger 



FRIDAY, THE 13TH 

Irishman: "Have yiz any flounder?" 

Waiter: "Sorry, sir — all out." 

Irishman: — Well then — bring me some earn 
beef and cabbage. I have a cold and can't 
tell the difference." 

Bean Pot 



Waiter: "Will you have something with your 
dinner, sir.'^" 

Banker: "Yes, that little blond over in the cor- 
ner." 

Judge 



Mitchell Belkin 

PHOTOGRAPHER 

241 Main Street, Northampton 

Phone 1753 

Official Photographer to 
Smith Seniors 1922-23 

*'Aggie" Index 1922 

SPECIAL RATES TO STUDENTS 



Stude: "Did you yell at me down town, sir?" 

Prof: "No." 

Stude: "Some bum did." 

Burr 



William is an artist true, 

A fiddler who never begs, 
For in his hands there is a bow, 

And another between his legs. 

"Oklaho7na Whirlwind'' 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 
THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Ball Teams 
Also to — 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — Come Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



LUCKY 
STRIKE 



This one 

extra 
process 

dives a 
delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 



li; '; .:k::jsss»[ i^wass 



::::::::!:;;::;»»;:::::ri:, 



mW'ir j^i 



f^rm 











UNITED STATES HOTEL 

Lincoln, Beach and Kingston St., Boston, Mass. 

BOSTON HEADQUARTERS FOR M. A. C. 




Rooms with hot and cold running water, $2.00 up 
Rooms with bath - - - - 3.00 up 
Club Breakfast, 30c to $1 .30 (I 5 combinations) 
Daily and Sunday Luncheon, 75c and $1 .00 
Daily and Sunday Dinner, $1 .25 

NEAR BOSTO N'S BEST GARAGES 


James G. Hickey, Manager 








"That girl reminds me of an ocean liner." 

"Why?" 

"Because just a little tug will get her started." 

Oklahoma Whirlvnnd 


"What do you think of my dancing pumps.''" 
"My dear, they're immense." 

Scalper 










Sor 
leggei 


Qe persons are so dumb they think a boot- 
■ is a man who sells shoes and stockings. 

Octopus 


She is so dumb she thinks "Wang Wang Blues" 
is a Chinese dye. ■ - 

Bean Pot 






Closed and Open Cars 20 Passenger Bus 

Follow your athletic teams 

CALL 

Cn Y 1 AXICAB CO. 

Tel. 96- W 

Draper Building Edw. Sarazin, Prop. 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 




SING LEE 

Main Street 

Quick Tianndry 








''You can depend on Our Service' 



V PORTRAIT OF J. DALTON 




The Quaker who made 
Chemistry a Science 




AVENDISH had shown 
that two volumes of hy- 
drogen and one of oxygen 
always combine com- 
pletely to form water and nothing 
else. Proust, a Frenchman, had 
proved that natural and artificial 
carbonates of copper are always 
constant in composition. 

*' There must be some law in 
this," reasoned Dalton (1766- 
1844), the Quaker mathematician 
and school teacher. That law he 
proceeded to discover by weighing 
and measuring. He found that each 
element has a combining weight 
of its own. To explain this, he 
evolved his atomic theory — the 
atoms of each element are all 
alike in size and weight; hence 
a combination can occur only in 
definite proportions. 

Dalton's theory was published 
in 1808. In that same year, Na- 



poleon made his brother, Joseph, 
king of Spain. This was considered 
a political event of tremendous 
importance. But Joseph left no 
lasting impression, while Dalton. 
by his discovery, elevated chem- 
istry from a mass of unclassified 
observations and recipes into a 
science. 

Modern scientists have gone be- 
yond Dalton. They have found 
the atom to be composed of elec- 
trons, minute electrical particles. 
In the Research Laboratories of 
the General Electric Company 
much has been done to make this 
theory practically applicable so 
that chemists can actually predict 
the physical, chemical and elec- 
trical properties of compounds yet 
undiscovered. 

In a world of fleeting events 
the spirit of science and research 
endures. 



Gene ral^Ele eft ric 



general Office COnip3,nV Schcnectady.N.Y, 



g3-626-HD 



^ ^^^i-^t't^..^<u.^/o 



7 



Help to lower Squibby's 

subscription price to 

$1 .00 a year 

Send "her" a subscription for 
Xmas. Christmas '22 to Christ- 
mas '23. Subscription $2.00. 

Just fill in and enclose check 




iy-^ 




c up id '5 

number 




V 



KODAKS 



VICTOR RECORDS 



DEUEL'S DRUG 
STORE 



WATERMAN 
FOUNTAIN PENS 



DUNHILL, BBB, 
TREBOR AND 
KAGWOODIE 
PIPES 



Sweet Young Thing (rhapsodizing on the wonders 
of nature) — "See girls. Look at this cute little 
bumble bee iho.t just flew in the window. With 
kindness I can train the little creature so that 
he will never think of harming me. See, he is 
resting on my liand, preening his glossy wings — 
Ouch: Daum the little beast. He stuno- me'" 

Flamingo 



Judge Priest: "Parson, that turkey you sold 
me yesterday wasn't a tame one as you claimed 
it to be, for I fomid shot in it. J 

Parson Bro^ra: "Judge, dat was a tan:'.e turkey 
jest like I sed it was; dem shot was meant 
for me. 

Judge 



An optimist is a man who takes his best girl 
to a show with^only two dollars in his pocket. A 
pessimist is the girl wlio ah^ays takes a dollar 
along with her. 

Goblin 



PAYING IN ADVANCE 

An autoist who had the habit of driving some- 
what faster than the law allowed was haled l^efore 
a local justice who imposed a fine of fifteen dollars. 
The autoist drew a roll of bills and laid a sum of 
money or the desk and started to leave the room. 

"Here!" the justice called. "There are thirty 
dollars here." 

"That's all right. Keep it. I am going out 
of town faster than I came in." 

Judge 



The 

James McKinnon Co. 

Plates for College Annuals 

Class Books and all illustrative purposes 

Quality first. Prices Right. 



257 Main St. 



Springfield, Mass. 



She, offended : "I'll have you understand that 
I've })een abroad for three years." 

He, unabashed: "Zatso? Well I'll have you 
know I've been a bum for six." 

Jack-o-lanicrn 



Ike: "Say Isadore, I heard you had a fire in 
your store last Tuesday. Is that right?" 
Isa: "Sh!No, NEXT^Tuesday. 

MugininTp 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 
THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Ball Teams 
Also to — 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — Come Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



Amherst Book Store 



Fountain Pens and Banners 



A large assortment of all kinds of Fiction 



Step in and let me show you the new 
Lefax Note Book 



C. F. DYER 



The Prospective Bride (trying to show hini how 
practical she is): "-4itd I always vrash with wash- 
ing soda. 

The Prospective Groom: "Never mind, dearie 
— I never would have suspected it — your skin 
is wonderfully soft. 

. Yale Record 



Ed: "I'm terribly sorry, deacon, but I haven't 
any aioney. I changed my trousers this morning." 

Co-ed (Blushing): "I'm sorry, too, but I'm 
in the same fix!" 

. Whirlwind 



Paper City Engraving Co. 



IVe are the Engravers for 
THE AGGIE SQUIB 



Our work speaks for itself 



Radcliffe Bldg. 
Phone 700 Holyoke, Mass. 



A SENSITIVE SOLE 

Colored Rookie: "I'd lahk to have a new pair 

o' shoes, suh!" 

Sergeant: "Are your shoes worn out?" 
"Worn out! Man, the bottums of mah shoes 

are so thin ah can step on a dime and tell whether 

it's heads or tails!" 

Fitt Panther 



Ossifer: "Here, man — pull yourself togcuher and 
go home before I have to call the wagon." 

Hicaster: "Hie — ^My Gawd — hie — have I come 
to pieces." 

Mugwump 



"Is she a modest girl.''" 

"Very; she won't even look at the weather stri]) 
at the house." 

Voo Doo 



E. F. CARLSON CO. 



CONTRACTORS 



ALUMNI MEMORIAL BUILDING 
GIRLS' DORMITORY BUILDING 



CAVALRY HORSE BARN 



244 Main St. 



SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 



Little boy: "Whattcha cryin' about, Sam?" 

Second Little Boy: "Boo-hoo, my dog died 
yesterday." 

Little Boy: "Huh. thas notliin'. iVIy grandpop 
died the other day." 

Second Little Boy: "Yah, but you didn't raise 
him from a pup!" 

Whirlwind 



Stude (desirmg attention of his friend across 
the way): "Hey!" 

Prof, (with gentle sarcasm): "Your dinner — 
or his.^" 

V^oo Doo 



WHY PAPA 

Husband (shopping for wife) : "Let me see 
some hair nets." 

Saleslady: "They are very fine ones. See, 
I wear them myseK." 

Husband (instantly) : "Oh 3'es, she wanted 
some silk hose too.' 

Brown Bull 



mitcbell Bclkin 



PHOTOGRAPHERS 



241 Main St. 
Phone 1753 



Studios 

Northampton, Mass. 

Springfield, Mass. 



Special Rates 
to Students 



Experts in 
developing and 
printing 
your films 



Films developed 

FREE 

to students 



"Maybelle certainly has wonderful presence 
of mind." 

"Well, she got away A^itJi some jjretty good 
ones of mine, too." 

Chapparal 



MISUNDERSTOOD 

The yoimg freshie of the big fraternity house 
on the hill called a senior sorority girl, four years 
his elder, for a date. Neither knew the other well, 
otherwise this incident might never have happened. 

Fratboy: "How about the dance this evening.^'" 

Sorgirl: "Certamly not! I can't go with a 
baby!" 

Fratboy: "Pardon me: I wasn't aware—!" 

Broicn Bull 



Little Sister: "Do, fairy stories always start 
'Once upon a time?" 

Mother: "No. Some of them, dear, start with 
T have to study at the library tonight." 

Malteaser 



ENMESHED 

Parked in a morris chair 
A co-ed on my lap 
]My ear caught in her hairnet 
A kiss? Hell no, a slap. 

Pelican 



"Ladder, teacher says dat everyoiie should take 
some interest m financial affairs." 

"Dat is right, but no .-^hentleman vill take less 
dan ten per cent." 

Shownie 



Art Stude: "If I am ever able to wave the 
baton that directs a great chorus, then my life's 
ambition ^^ill be realized." 

Fraternity Freshman: "Pardon the suggestion 
but the choir leader at our house uses a barrel stave, 
and you should hear the results he gets on the 
overture from 'Bendova.' " 

Humbug 



J m monarrli of all J aurtipij. 
J Burupg all tlje tnhB of tljp Fartl|- 
PrtnrpB anb Kttiga bn 31 ll^mart. 
J ^U many a l^ami tuitlj mtrtlj. 

J*m a pomn *mt&Bt tl|F Btuarma nn Haliattrn 
3'm a lorJi of t\}t 3Ft|t JhIpb. 
3*m a fmnb or a foF aa J plraBF, 
A rauae botl| of aorrouiB aiib Brntka. 



mij jjovucr you muat rprkon, J troio. 
iFor all Ittprature'a txiieh tottlj mg famp. 
®l)o Fternalln goung Jl m a Prtttrp. 
iatt (Eoptb. ^B\x knom, ta mg name. 




VD>-^- — a6aoaaaaD\ 
^naaannar 

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aDDDD 

ra a o n D a 
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vaoDD 

PDD 

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<aDQ 



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DC- 



I 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



LITERARY EDITOR 

F. BRUNNER, '24 

ART EDITOR 

R. NOYES, '24 

EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. E. PADDOCK, '23 



EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

T. T. ABELE, '23 

MANAGING EDITOR L '■ 

C. A. TOWNE, '23 

BUSINESS MANAGER 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 



ADVERTISING MANAGER 

C. E. BOWES, '24 

CIRCULATION MANAGER 

E. F. LAMB, '24 

ASST. BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 



% 



^<r 



ART DEPARTMENT 

K. BALL, '24 



LITERARY DEPARTMENT 

R. LANGENBACKER, '25 



BUSINESS DEPARTMENT 

W. RHODES, '24 
G. KNOWLES, '25 
C. SALMON, '25 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
In the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



w 



7 HEN the "s^^'eet young 
much champagne could 
called a "chicken stew?" 



thing" imbibes too 
properly be 



it 



OH, you kid!" said the he-goat to the young 
she-goat. 



A CERTAIN yoimg man told his girl one 
night that if she did not marry him he would 
get a rope and hang himself right in front of her 
home. 

"Oh please don't do it, Harry,' she said, "You 
know father doesn't want you hanging aroimd here." 



IT takes a mighty cute girl to get so close to 
a man that when he tries to kiss her it's im- 
possible for her to get away." 



WE read that in the Middle Ages honey; raisins 
and sweet fruits, were the only sweet thin gs 
that )nan had; we wonder what the girls were like 
in those days. 



MALADY OF SPRING 

ABOUT this time in every year your raind 
begins to roam 
And Economics leaves no mark upon your 
fevered dome. 
You open up a book but gosh, what's written 
you don't read. 
Your conscience says you ought to work 
but then you never heed. 
You read a sentence idle like and then you drift 
away. 
To fish a while in som.e clear pool on some bright 
summer day. 
You bait the hook and throw it in, then vvatch 
the ripples spread, 
Green dragon flies sail round your float, 
mosquitoes round your head. 
The float bobs down a couple feet; your dull 
head backward flies 
And strikes the hard baclv of your chair. You 
yawTi and rub your eyes. 
Another sentence slowly fades into another scene, 
Across the water's wind-cooled face a full moon 
spreads its sheen. 
But this time you are not alone, for in your small 
canoe 
She, nestled in the {billowed end hums love 
songs back at you. 
The book forgotten in your dream slips from your 
relaxed hand 
And cracks your toe a mighty whack. You 
swear to beat the band. 
You stoop and pick it from the floor and giv.e 
the thing a fling. 
A chap must be a daiwi fool to study in the sprmg. 



The Squib 




I 



crave the lights that brightly shme, 
I crave the man, I want the wine. 
I crave the fun without the price, 
I crave to be naughty but still to be nice. 
1 crave the thrill of a long drawn kiss, 
I crave the things that good girls miss. 
I crave the arms and heart of a man 
And still stay single if I can. 
All I want is some good advice 
For I want to be naughty and still be nice. 



A BASHFUL yoimg couple who were evidently 
very much in love, entered a crowded street 
car in Boston the other day. 

"Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he 
asked, looking doubtfully at her blushing face. 

"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until 
we get home?" was the low embarrassed reply. 



I LIKE the girl with the [)urty face. 
The girl with the smile is fine. 
But it's not one of these that I care for the most, 
It's the girl that can throw the line. 



'^T^E'LL get along swim.mingly," thought the 



newly- wed loons. 



The Squib 



¥ ¥ER eyes are dee[), intangible, 

With mystery en grossed, - 
But she is not for nie, — alas. 
Her lovely eyes are crossed. 



JOHN: "Wl]y are billiard balls and girls alike?" 
Henry: "I don't know." 
Jolin: "Because both kiss each other with the 
same amount of real feeling." 



J^AP: "I got a bottle of Frozen words." 
5 Sip: "Bum Joke! a bottle of Ink." 
Sap: "No — canned Tongue." 



MOTHER: "Phyllis, 
what were you and 
Ensign Martin talking 
about last night.'*" 

Phyllis: "He was ex- 
plaining the difference 
between a yacht and a 
smack." 

Mother: "Yes, I heard 
the smack." 






J-^/> ''^'- 





b 



t^ 




'TIS OFTEN TRUE 

NER^^^ Male: "May 
I have this next 
dance?" 

She: "Certainly not. 
I never have even seen 
you before." 

Nervy Male: "Well, 
I'm taking just as much 
chance as you are." 



In the Spring a young man's fancy." 



WILLIE and Lillie don't speak any more. She 
is vexed with him. This is how it happened: 
Lillie called Willie up and the following took place: 

"Hello, dearest," she said. 

"Hello," answered W^illie, "Who is it?" 

That's how it happened. 



R 



ING off," cried the hold-vip man to Reginald's 
fiancee. 



LOVE me love my dog." quoth the homely 
heiress. 
"After proposing to her, making love to the dog 
\\ill be easy," thought the suitor, — but he did not 
sav it. 



FAI^IOUS PASSES 

•yHERMOPYLAE. 

^ Sullivan to Peny in Freshman-Sophomore 
game last fall. 
Railroad. 

With five honors in one hand at bridge. 
Physics 25. 



-^^^r^^ 



Editorials 



9 ^^E wish the profs would liunk Squib Board members a little more freel3^ If they would we might 
M n V have a better paper. Just about the time a man learns how to write really good humor, the 
^P^^F darn fool up and graduates. To have each m.ember stay in college one year longer would 
help immensely in running a humorous paper. The same theory holds true in regard to foot- 
ball and other campus activities. There is just one exception we desire to make to this recommendation; — 
don't apply it to ourselves, — our personal case is different. 



'HE editor of a leading hum.orous paper once said, that the humor of the college funny papers is 

M characterized by its emphasis upon wine, women, and song, and that it is ,the m.ost original and 

A^r best Innnor being printed at the present day. Som.e say that the college bum.orous publication 

of today is characterized by its emphasis of wine, women, and song, and is therefore immoral. 

We do not believe that every mention of wom.an is immoral. We do not believe that every mention 

of the hum.or of man's relations with wom.an is of necessity imm.oral. We do not believe that the ridicule 

of drunkardness or of improper advertisements is of itself im.m.oral. We know that it is an impossibility 

to jniblish a hum.orous paper that wull suit all tastes and inclinations, but it is cur desire that our humor 

be sufficiently snappy to render vmto all subscribers full value for all subscriptions paid, and yet contain 

nothing we would be ashamed to show at home. Honi soit qui mal y pense. 



The Squib desires to acknowledge contributions to this issue from the following men : 
Pratt '24 Meserve '25 



The Squib 




R0U9V-1. o-tvcl Ready 




stropping Fellow 




U3I n-C-as 



OOME people don't have to have wings to go up 



in the air. 



S 



WHY stay yon in this moonhght night?" 
He answered with some feeling, 
"There's Scarlet Fever in the to\^Ti. 
The village belles are peeling." 



MOTHER," said Johnny, "where do they take 
people when they die?" 
"God takes them away, dear child." 
"But Mother, God didn't take Mrs. Smith away. 
Some men came and took her away in a long black 
box, and then they had a rehearsal." 



w 



HAT is the difference between : "T will hire 
a taxi and I have hired a taxi?" 
(Knowingly) About six dollars and a half. 



pROF: 



"We have two sets of angles, those of 
triangle B.V.D., and those of triangle X. Y.Z. 
To prove the triangle equal, which set M^ill you 
start with, Miss Smith?" 

Miss Smith (shyly): "I don't know much about 
them, but I'll try b"^.V.D's." 



WHY do people always apply the name of "she" 
to a city? ¥>ILT> Smith, a country shopkeeper, went to 

I'll bite, why do they? ; '^ the city to buy goods. 

Because every city has outskirts. They were sent immediately, and reached home 

before he did. When the boxes were delivered, 

Mrs. Smith, who was keeping the shop uttered a 

g scream, seized a hatchet, and began frantically to 

open the largest one. "What's the matter, Sarah?" 
asked one of the bystanders who had watched her in 

DO you know, T think you are a jack ass." amazement. Pale and faint, INTrs. Smith pointed 
"Then don't be surprised if I kick when you to an inscription on the box. It read: "Bill 
try to ride me," quoth Two Gun Pete. mside. 



The Squib 





Wkiatle. 



5K,avitvg ^"S 




PfC^tty 6 m.octK' . 



THE STORY OF ALOHA 

ONCE, when Kasnur was a valley full of jasmine and eurotas bloom, there lived a maid, by the name of 
Kub-ut-ul-kul-ub, meaning Soup-on-a-silver- salver. Ah! Those eye! So fvill of witchery; darkened 
by kohl-rabi. Those hair, so perfum.ed with essence of musk and anchovy ! Those ear, so shell-like, pierced 
at rose-painted tip for the dainty elephant tusk earring! Those nose, so flanged, so pendulant, so fitted 
to express the quivering emotion which breathed into her fragrant soul from the almond blossom.s — and 
the palms, — and that mystic cotton veil — which hid these charms from me. 

One day, at the market-place, we met. She was carrying onions in her maxixe. Our eyes met; 
the onions rolled on the muddy square; we stooped to rescue them, before the donkeys could devour them; 
our foreheads met, soundly. I fell — victim, to her force and charms. She brushed the mud from my robes, 
murmuring above the clash and jingle of her jade brace-arm.-leg-neck-lets, "The river bank. Tonight! 
Two hours after moonrise in starlight. Aloha." 

She glided away dowTi the market-stead. Her figure, pliant as the midnight blooming serade, dis- 
appeared in the throng. Naught remained but the onions, silence witnesses of our tryst. The little passion 
flower was gone, but not forgotten. 

In the savagery of my love, I seized one from the muddy spot. I bit it- — fiercely. My eyes filled 
with tears. Alone, I stumbled to the mosque to await — all, all alone. 



Curtain 



Second spasm. The river, red like a giant's eye, slipped shallowly between its slippery, oozy banks 
of clay. The moon, fresh coined, hung like a silver sciraiter low in the pulsing sky. A bold bassoon, yearn- 
ing for his mate, lifted his cadenced call across the river. Far away, a sudden clamor split the sky; two 
mites were fighting over a piece of cheese. Silence again. It was The Hour. 

Behind me, a stirring in the thicket of low-himg shoe-trees. The branches creaked apart; my love, 
mufiied in her maxixe, stood before me. (I had turned around.) I rushed to her side, slipped on the clay, 
recovered myself — and rushed on, mumbling low words of love. As I flew to her side, two — how can I 
tell you — two stern directors pulled her backward into the thicket — tore her from me while the plaintive 
"Aloha" was still hanging on my hps. 

I have a new femme now who monopolizes the camera. 



The Squib 



\A/IIVIIVIIIM 



God bless 'em 



As a rule 

The wiminin 

Don't interest me 

Of course 

Being human 

And all that 

I don't close my eyes 

Or yell for assistance 

Whenever a 

Sweet young Thing 

Trips across my vision 

But speaking 

From a strictly personal standpoint 

I don't approve 

At all 

Of the Modern Flapper 

And her idiosyncracies 

Why 

Only the other night 

I took one of 'em 

To an Informal 

And if dancing 

Is the poetry 

Of motion 

Then she 

Was v^^ithout doubt 

The most 

Ardent 

And determined 

Advocate 

Of free verse 

That it has been 



My sorrov/ 

To know^ 

Anyhow 

The ladies 

Don't pay any attention 

To me 

Unless 

I get in their v/ay 

Why it is 

I have never been able 

To determine 

Why 

Just the other day 

I asked my best friend 

At least 

I thought he was 

If he could throw 

Any light on the subject 

He looked at me for a moment 

Reflectively 

And then 

Out of a clear sky 

Remarked 

Most irrelevantly 

That every time 



Hel 



ooRe 



d at 



me 



He had a hunch 
That Darwin 
After all 

Might have been 
Talking sense 



I have been trying 

Ever since 

To make 

Sense 

Out of that remark 

But to return 

As we always do 

To the 

Wimmin 

While I don't exactly 

Believe 

That all females 
Are an invention 
Of the Devil 
I shouldn't 
Be at ail surprised 
If he had bought 
The patents 
On a good many 
Of course 
If you're used 
To handling 
Dynamite 

Or don't value your 
Life 

Very much 
Go right ahead 
But as for me 
As a rule 
The wimmin 
Don't interest me 



The Squib 




The King of Hearts 



The Squib 



WELL I'll be damned," said the little brook 
as the fat lady fell off the bridge. 



pVENIZEN of the Hash-house: "The idea; 
^^ my napkin is damp." 

Head- waiter: "Perhaps that's because there is 
so much dew on your board." 



I^XJFF: "That young lady ought to make a 



'HAT fellow is a great worker." 

"I never could see it." A ^ good hosiery saleswoman." 

"Why he sticks to his job like a man does to Stuff: "How so.''" 

his bed on a Sunday morning." Nuff: "She is so good at displaying hose in 

"Yes, he lies down on it and goes to sleep, actual service." 



S 



WALKING down Main 
Street the other day, 
I met a nice-looking dame 
and I took the liberty to say, 
"Good mornin^\" 

At this slie turned on me 
and exclaimed : "Why should 
you speak to me; I don't 
know you from Adam." 

"Gosh!" I gasped. "Am I 
as scantily clad as all that?" 



COLLEGIAN HUMOUR 



What man did the co-eds send? 



'HE frosh decided to elect a nomi- 



nating committee; one man to 



be chosen from each fraternity, one 



from the non fraternitv students, 



and one from the co-eds. 



THAT'S an old one," said 
the Mrs. to the Mr. 
as she threw out the egg. 



S 



THE MALE OF THE 
SPECIES 



H 



OW many cigarettes do 
you smoke a day? 
Oh, any given number. 



AYS the girl to her awkward partner, "don't 
])ump me mto those poles: I'm well posted." 



N exhaust pipe never makes an auto tired. 



H 



E : "Do you like cocktails?" 
She: "Sure! Tell me a few." 



HE GETS TPIEISI ALL 

In telling of his experiences a conductor on the 
M. K. i^r T., railroad, the father of ten daughters, 
tells the following: 

"I am away from home about three days out of 
four. Every night when I arrive home I walk 
up on the front porch and knock. Then I grab 
a club and rim around to the back door. I haven't 
missed a man in 17 years." 

Broivn Bidl 



The Squib 



ADVICE TO SPUING FEVER PATIENTS: 

A. Advice to the inexperienced man. 

1. If you make love in a hallway, don't 

lean on the door bell. 

2. When canoeing pile the pillows in one 

end at the start. A good start is 
haK the race — and besides, you'll re- 
lieve her mind. 

3. Remember that kisses are like roses. 

The kind that lasts the longest is 
the most popular. 

4 . If you are going canoeing on a moonlight 

night with a fair yoim_g maiden, park 
your frat. pin in a safe deposit vault. 

5. If she turns around in your arms don't 

be misled. Every little movement 
has a meaning all its own. 

0. If she has an artificial complexion, look 

out. Painters Colic is unpleasant to 
say the least. 

7. Never take the same girl out twice 
in one week. Variety is the spice 
of life. 

B. Advice to the inexperienced maiden. 

1. Don't let him 1-aiow that you are new 

to the game. Just act natural and 
you'll fool him. 

2. If he asks you for a kiss, say NO. He'll 

know what you mean. If he should 
borrow one don't let him keep it too 
long. 

3. If you ask him into the parlor either 

pull down the shades or put out 
the lights — or both. 

4. Don't ask him if you are the first girl 

he has kissed. Never tem])t any man 
to lie. 

5. If you want to make a hit, when he asks 

you out to supper order ice cream 
and let the chicken alone — even if 
it breaks your heart. 

6. Don't hold hands in the movies— while 

the lights are on. 




No Disarmament Here 



'HE optimistic dish-washer figures he has forty- 
one people working for him dirtying dishes. 



"IJ^HY is old Sportington taking out all these 
• * books on theology and spiritualism?" asked 

the fair librarian. 

"He's worried about how to take his favorite 

Winchester with him to the Happy Hunting Grounds" 

replied the man who knows. 



"\T^E'LL have no nmd in this paper," said the 
' ' editor as he removed his feet from the 
editorial desk. 



A IN'T this a beautiful spring? 



'Only $3.95," said the furniture salesman. 



CXCHAHCE 



;^'.« ^^ 



f'>y: 



-Bm 



tJ. 



f 



^w 



Captain : "Stop smoking. Can't you see we're 
becalmed?" 
i Deckhand: "What's smoking got to do with it?" 
Captain: "It's bad for the wind. 

Chaparral 
S 
Barney: "Does that Pittsburgh radio music 
really sound like music? Is it realistic?" 

Science: "Realistic? Man, after that concert 
last night nay face was positively black with coal 
smoke!" 

Flamingo 
S 
■Minister: "I was glad to see you at Prayer Meet- 
ing last night." 

Toi)er: "O, (Hie) is that where I was?" 

Mugwumj) 
S 
Sambo: "Rastus, were you eber sick when 
you wuz in France?" 

Rastus: "Mail, I had the flu so bad dat I used 
to look in the casualty list for my own name." 

Virginia Reel 
S 
Guest: "Do you serve chickens here?" 
Colored Waiter: "Yes, sah, if deys wif a gemmen 
escort, sah." 



Voo Doo 



^f^esterday 



In History Class 

The Prof, was speaking 

About Helen of Troy 

And one Goof 

Wanted to know 

If that was the Troy in Xeo' York 

Because 

He onh'^ lived twelve miles from there 

And he wanted to meet 

A girl like that; 

And the Prof. 

Fell on his fountain pen 

And died. 

Juggler 



Governor: "I never smoked when I was your 
age. When you are as old as I am, will you be able 
to say the same thing to your son?" 

Offspring: "Xot with such a straight face." 

Jvggler 
S 
THE SEASON'S HIT 

"Here's a book," said the agent, "you can t afford 
to be without." 

"I never read," answered the victim. 

"Well, buy it for your children." 

"I'm single — I have no famih". All I have is a 
dog." 

"Well, don't you want a nice hea\y book to throw 
at the dog now and then?" 

Humhug 
S 

She: "No, Bert, I'm afraid you can never call 
me "sweetheart" but vou rnav call me "little sister." 

He: "I'd rather call yon my little "calculus." 

She: "Why 'calculus?' 

He: "Because I'll forget you just as quickly.'.' 

Broicn Jug 
S 

In a neighbor's house, little George for the first 
time saAv a face vibrator. At home shortly after- 
ward, the yoimgster said: "Mrs. Jones' face nmst 
get awful dirty, mother." 

"^\Tiy do you think that?" the mother asked. 

"Because," replied George, "while I was there 
I saw her trying to fix it up with a vacuum cleaner." 

S 

"I'll show you an old, old tin-tj^^e of the family," 
said she coyly, leading me into the living room. 

"Ah," thought I, "a sweet, old-fashioned maid! 
Lovely echo from the romantic past. Hers should 
be a background of hollyhocks, sweet williams, 
and lilacs, with sweet music of the minuet sounding 
faintly in the distance." 

She led me to the window. 

"There's the damn wreck," and she pointed to 
a fliver at the curb. 

Chaparral 




Jenks — "This hand deserves 
another boost; but I'm down 
to my last chip. Can I bet the 
new Golf Suit I'm wearing ? " 

Gwynne— "The suit is O. K., 
but this is no millionaires' 
game! Our limit is still $50." 

Jenks — "I know the suit 
looks like a million dollars; 
but I paid Wallach Bros. $50 
for it! It's a bet ! " 



SPECIAL 

Tuxedo 

Coat and Trousers 

Si 



STYLED AND TAILORED BY 

Hart Schaffner & Marx 

WHICH MEANS THEY ARE 
CORRECT 



Qencral Offices 

Broadway, cor. 29th Street 

New York 



Q. E. D. 

There seem to be stores, 
which in a perfectly good 
natured way, affect surprise 
that our visits to the various 
colleges are so overwhelm- 
ingly successful in a com- 
mercial sense. 

What they fail to grasp is 
that the mere sending of 
Representatives to the Col- 
leges does not make a store 
a College Store, any more 
than an electric horn would 
make a donkey cart an auto- 
mobile. 

It has been common knowl- 
edge among college men for 
several generations ihat we 
have the qualities they want 
in hats, haberdashery and 
clothes, at substantially lower 
prices than elsewhere. And 
knowing this, the college man 
in college acts the same as 
when he is in New York — 
trades with us. 

'^Satisfaction or Money Back" 




HART SCHAFFNER & MARX 




^our New York Stores" 

Broadway, below Chambers 

broadway, cor. 29th 

246-248 West 125th 

3d Ave., cor. 122d 



"Mineralogy is bound to be the most popular 
course in college." 

"How so?" 

"It is the only way a fellow can import a case 
of quartz and get by with it." 

Cliajparral 



Ike: "Swim out g here fadder, I'm sinking." 
Abe: "I can't svim. Throw papa your vatch 
and I vill pray for you." 

Brown Jug 



He: "I feel like I have known you since you 

were a child." 

She: "Me? Why I ordy met you last year." 
He: "Yes, ,but you were wearing short skirts 

then." 

Odwpiis 



The much intoxicated nmu toddled into the 
street car and handed the conductor a dime. 

"Paying for two?" questioned the conductor. 

The drunken man hesitated and then remarked: 
"Shay, do I look like twins?" 

Malteaser 



SPEAKING OF JAPS 

Sophisticated foreign language prof.: "And the 
Jat)anese language is the only one that has no 
cuss words. It is sublime to think of a language 
with no vulgarity!" 

Bright Stude: "Then how in the devil do they 
start their Fords on a winter morning?" 

Brown Bull 



Thi 



Hotel Perry 



Amherst, 



Massachusetts 



Thoroughly up-to-date 
Open all the year 



19 Amity Street 



Phone 8351 



Printing - Ruling - Binding 



"The Kind Worth While" 



EXCELSIOR PRINTING CO. 

Phone 59 - " North Adams, Mass. 



As Usual 



Our assortment on White Flannels, Straw- 
Hats, Golf Suits and Hose are the best to 
be found and you may always be sure 
that our prices will be the low^est. 



F. M. Thompson & Son 



HART, SCHAFFNER & MARX CLOTHES 



"George," said friend wife with the gentle com- 
placency of her sex, "I'll never forget the night 
you proposed. You acted like a chicken with 
it's head cut off." 

"Yes — I'll admit my bra.ii)s were somewhere 
else." 

(Then the gong sounded for the first round.) 

Voo Doo 



Nurse: "Well it's a girl.'" 

Father (with keen forcjight) : "And. I just sold 
the porch swing this morning.'' 

Afiigwump 



If ■Methuselah could read some of the joke maga- 
zines published today he would probably say 
that the world has changed very little. 

Shovne 



Open or Closed Packards 
For Hire 

City Taxicab Co 

The Company That Carries 

Your Athletic Teams 

Tel. 96-W 



Draper Bldg. 



Northampton 



ED. SARAZIN, Prop. 



Hard 



ware 



Sporting Goods 



Fishermen's Supplies 



The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 



AMHERST 



Presonal: "A young woman to whom black 
is particularly becoming would like to meet a gentle- 
man in poor health; object, wddowhood." 

Goblin 



"Fadder, dese shoes hurts me every step I take!" 
"Then take longer steps and dere won't be 
so many hurts." 

WJdrhvind 



"Hey, nigger, what for you buy dat phosphorous 
paint?" 

"Why, I am done with all this foolishment. 
When I kiss my girl hereafter, I am decided to hit 
where I aims." 

Yale Record 



RIDE 'EM, BEGGS 

Art: "Where have you been, Beggs?" 
Beggs: "Been putting a bridle on my horse. 
Art." 

Art: "How'd you get the bit in his mouth?" 
Beggs: "I waited till he yawned." 

Whirlwind 



You will find a first class Restaurant 



at 



BOYDEN'S 



M. A.C. Students 
always welcome 



196 Main St. 



Northampton 




Archer 



"^h 



e 



Aerow collar 

INTRODUCTION FOR SPRING AND 
SUMMER IS A COLLAR MADE IN 
A NE^\\^ WAY -A LIGHT FLEXIBLE 
COLLAR THAT IS NE\\^ IN STYLE 
6^ VERY COMFORTABLE IN ^VEAR 

Cluett,Peabody e>Co.lNC, CMakehs, Troy,N.Y. 



FRD 



hll^^\ 





Winchester Sporting 

and 

Athletic Goods 

Hardware, Plumbing 

and 

Heating 

Mutual Plumbing and 
Heating Co. 


If You Dont Smoke Ihem, 
We Both Lose 

THE THE 

Fenbros Cigar E. & J. Cigar 

8c, 2 for 15c 13c, 2 for 25c 

The E. & J. Cigar Co. 

Manufacturers of Cigars 

Wholesalers of 
Cigars, Cigarettes and Tobacco 

25 Main Street, Northampton, Mass. 


"How do you know he's in love?" 

"What else would make a man absent minded 
enough to put his dirty shirt to bed then jump 
do^Ti the clothes chute?" Sun Dodger 


Ihe Amherst Shoe 
Repair Company 

The home of Fine Footwear 
and Hosiery 

Dance Pumps, Sport Oxfords, 

and Broques carried in 

stock 

Our Prices Are Right 

A Trial Will Convince 

We also do high grade shoe repairing on 
basis that will be satisfied. 

Yours for service, 

AMHERST SHOE REPAIRING CO. 

DEME-ST & FOTOS, Props. 


The whistle gave forth a number of shrill 
blasts. Then, all of a sudden, the train came to 
a dead stop, as if in grave danger. The passen- 
gers were excited; they immediately got off the 
train and, like wild people, rushed forward to 
the engine, only to find that the cow-catcher 
had a calf. Yellow Jacket 


You Will Take Pride 

in ordering and riding in one of our cars. 
We are proud of our cars, both open and 
closed, and maintain them in spick and 
span condition. 

For the Best 

Phone Northampton 

COLLEGE TAXI CO. 

Near Boyden s Northampton 



Printing 



^nling 



i!i inking 



(< 



The Kind Worth While ' ' 




Excelsior Printing Co. 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 



Teacher: "Johnny, how much is three times 
three?" 
Johnny: "Nine." 

Teacher: "That's pretty good." 

Johnny: "Pretty good h , it's perfect." 

Juggler 



SUCH IS LOVE 

"Gladys, do you still love me?" 

"Of course I do, foolish boy, what makes you 
think that I don't?" 

"You've agreed with everything I've said 
today." 

Sun Dodger 



Stude: "Madam, there are fleas in my room." 
Landlady: "Fleas? I haven't a single flea 

in my house." 

Stude: "That's right too, they are all married 

and have large families." 

Flamingo 



A large majority of the girls aren't as dumb as 
they look; they coudn't be." 

Virginia Reel 



Poor Working Girl: "Hey, Pa," you've got cher 
pants on backwards." 

Proud but Soused Father: "W's'at?" 

P. W. G.: "I tell you the front of yer pants is 
in the back. Yer coo-coo." 

P. B. S. F.: "Ya wanna try to show respect 
for yer old man's judgemint, see? 'Ow 'n'ell 
d'you know which way I wanna go?" 

Voo Doo 



Prof: "Will you please name the presidents 
of the United States?" 

Frosh: "Sorry, sir, but their parents beat me 
to it." 

Froth 



Patronize Our Advertisers 



AND 



Mention THE SQUIB 



Mitchell Belkin 

PHOTOGRAPHER 

241 Main Street, Northampton 

Phone 1753 

Official Photographer to 
Smith Seniors 1922-23 

"Aggie" Index 1922 

SPECIAL RATES TO STUDENTS 



"Say, Sam, you wanta buy a mule.^" 

"What's the matter with him?" 

"Nothin'." 

"What you want to sell him fo'?" 

Nothin'." 

"I'll buy him." 

Voo Doo 



He: "Something tells me you are going to 
^ive me a kiss." 
She: "Nothing tells me that I'm not." 

Froth 



THE IDEAL PLACE 

FOR 

BANQUETS 

OR 

JUST TO DINE 

The Plymouth Inn 

NORTHAMPTON. MASS. 
OR THE 

Plymouth Tea Room 

An elegant place to entertain "Smith" girls 

(NEXT TO INN) 



A DARK LIGHT 

Rastus and his best girl were sitting out on 
park bench in Battery Park, X. Y. C, one semi- 
moonlight night. From their trysting place 
they had an excellent view of the Statue of 
Liberty. 

Liza: "Rastus, look at that great big woman 
out dere." 

Rastus: "My goo'ness, dat's a big woman 
and look at dat little light. Don't see why dey 
make such a big woman and den such a small 
light. Why it's all out of proportion." 

Liza: (edging up closer — ): "Why don't you 
know, Rastus, why there is such a small light .^" 

Rastus: " Xo, honey. Ah can't see any sense 
in such a big woman and then carrying such a 
small light." 

Liza: "Why Rastus, don't you know that de 
smaller de light the greater de liberty." 

Yelloiv Jacket 



GREY MATTER 

Frosh: "I am trying to grow a mustache 
and I am wondering what color it will be when it 
comes out." 

Ditto: "At the rate it is growing, I should 
think it will be grey." 

Sour Owl 



Maizie: "Listen Mabel, you shouldn't dance 
so wild with a stranger." 

Mabel: "How can you talk so awful kid, 
you know I wouldn't dance like that with a 
stranger. Why he's told me his name." 

Sun Dodger 



MORXIXG DAWXIXG 

Meeting, 
Greeting, 
Heart stopped beating. 

Chap, 

Sap, 

Girl on lap. 

Kiss, 
Miss 
Heavenly bliss. 

Tease, 

Squeeze, 

"Stop it! Please!" 

Didn't, 

Wouldn't, 

He just couldn't. 

Pout, 

Shout, 

Who came out.^ 

Dad, 
Mad, 

Things look bad. 



Fight .5 
Right! 
— Good night! 



Voo Doo 



Catering for Banquets and 
Proms, Bats and Informals 

Best of Food and 
Prices Guaranteed 

Albert B. Bias 



Phone 252-M 



AMHERST, MASS. 



a 



I 

SI 



i 



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i 



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iHor^xunrii 









Up and down, up and down, 
One hundred yards each way, 
Each foot it feels like a ton of lead 
Mired in gripping clay. 

Our backs they feel like raging fires. 
The neck scarce supports the head. 
We glance at the face of the chapel clock. 
How slowly the hours have sped. 

And after each charge, as we snap into place. 

We wonder how long we can last. 

Can we make the next charge and the one after that 

Snappy, and hard, and FAST? 

34-58-4-9-6-1 

We pick up our tails and get set. 

With a growl and a roar we charge to the fore, 

Was it fast? Was it snappy? You bet. 






"'ami 



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M" Number 



February, 1923 




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QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



ART EDITOR 

R. NOYES, '24 

H. E. ERASER, '26 

EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. E. PADDOCK, '23 



EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

T. T. ABELE, '23 

MANAGING EDITOR 

C. A. TOWNE, '23 

LITERARY EDITOR 

F. BRUNNER, '24 

S. F. HARRIS, '26 

W. F. PRATT, '24 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 



BUSINESS MANAGER 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 

ADVERTISING MANAGER 

C. E. BOWES, '24 

CIRCULATION MANAGER 

E. F. LAMB, '24 

ASST. BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 

W. E. RHODES, '24 

G. W. HANSCOMBE, '25 



x\ 



The Aftgie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
In the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS] 

Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



^^H Reginald, a girl isn't fast just because OPEAKING historically, the Boston Tea Party 
she wears Russian boots. certainly wins the chiffon tea-cup. 



THE SQUIB 




LDITORIAL5 



WE wish we could put out a separate number for each sport. To write about baseball, and 
football, and hockey, all in one breath, is mixing things as bad as fur trimmed bathing 
suits or hash-house hash. We could find pleacy of material for a football number, a 
hockey number, a basketball number, and for all the rest of the sports, even including 
a head coach's number, — for he's a good sport too after you get to understand all his 
funny little idio»yncracies. Unfortunately, however, we can get out only six small numbers altogether, 
for the Squib Board, both of us, is engaged in many other campus activities besides running the college 
giggly paper. We hope that you will like this number, and that none of our glorious "M" men, at 
least none who are bigger than we are, will get piqued (that's the word, ain't it Bob.'^) at our attempted 
wise crackers. Ltt 'er rip! 



w 



E want to call attention to the new members of the Board. Time was when anyone could 
have a place on the staff who asked for it. We haven't as many members now, but they 
are all working. It is difficult to work for the present Squib Board and maintain a sense 
of humor. W^e think these new members have succeeded. 




^^ 



THE SQUIB 



AT THE MASS-MEETING 

— always feel like a goldfish in a tank when 
I sit way up front, but I do think we ought to 
show our college spirit — 

— terribly dumb, and when she looked at him 
so sweetly I thought I'd die laughing — 

— with the trumpet there, that's Connie 
Wirth, don't you adore the way his eyes twinkle 
when he talks, and — 

— well, of course I wouldn't say anything for 
the world, but her hair was all mussed up when 
she came in — 

— that's Bob Mohor. He's so stern looking, 
and when you pass him on the campus any- 
where he never looks at you — 

— and when he left he said: "I'll call you up 
in a few days" and you know what that mean. 



-don't you love the way Kid Gore walks up 



and- 



— so I think I'll get black next time. That 
doesn't show dirt, and you always feel dressed 
up — 

— to hear them sing. They get such a nice 
growl on the low notes — 

— my dear, aren't mass-meetings just too 
thrilling — 




s 



LICK: "Say, she thinks she's somebody 

of importance doesn't she.^ 
Um: Yeh, she thinks she's Helen-All. 



li^R. Bottomly (to tardy student) : Why 
are you late? 
Tardy Student: Well, a sign down here — 

Mr. Bottomly: Well, what has a sign got 

to do with it-f^ 

Tardy Student: The sign said: "School 

Ahead; Go Slow." 



^TO, Theophilous, a hog wrastle and a chase 
for a greased pig are two entirely dif- 
ferent sports. 



WHEN there are four balls you take your 
base, but where there are three balls 
you take your watch. 



POR sometime we have had in restaurants 
*■ the apparatus by which a nickel in the 
slot will start the organ playing. It now re- 
mains for some enterprising proprietor to install 
a machine by which a dime in the slot will stop 
the infernal racket. 



^rOU: Does Jones drink anything.^ 
Me: Yes, ^pollinaris 



A'^ear beer 
Fuban coffee 
Tan lac 

fl^inds Honey and Almond Cream 
Ink 

A'earer beer 
Gin 



THE SQUIB 



"DEGORRO," says Pat, "and sure football 
is the grandest sport of|them all. Basket- 
ball is good exercise for the healthy man but sure 
and all the cripples play football." 



o 



NE good turn deserves another," said little 
Mary as she rolled down the stairs. 



EXCITED motorist on the phone: Is this 

the garage .-^ 
Garage man: Yes. 

Excited motorist: Well, send help as I've 
turned turtle. 

Garage man: You don't want a garage, you 
need an aquarium. 



RECIPE FOR BEER 

/^HASE one bullfrog three miles and gather 
up the hops. To the hops add the follow- 
ing: 10 gal. of tanbark; 1 bar of homemade 
soap; 1 pt. of shellac. Boil the mixture for 36 
hrs. Then strain it thru an I. W. W. sock to 
keep it from working. Then bottle and add 1 
grasshopper to each pint for a kick. 



H 



E came upon her in the dark. 
And kissed his only lady. 
He called her " 'Lithbeth." She replied, 
"You're wrong. You're kissing Sadie." 



' I 'HE Michigan Aggies thought the Hicks 
were more in evidence than the Gore. 



COLLEGE SPORTS AS SHE SEES 
/^OLLEGE sports are sub-divided into two divisions, those who wear knickers and those who 
are bow legged or something. Class one parts its hair and calls you "little girl"; class 
two casually separates its hair and calls you "girlie." Both classes are ardent vocal par- 
ticipants in all college events, but class one also indulges in the more strenuous and uplifting 
exercises of parlor wrestling, tea tackling, and kiss catching. Either variety of the Genus will 
tell you, "I hadn't cracked a book, but I got up and threw a good line and got away with it fine." 
This is the distinguishing mark of the species as such. 



THE SQUIB 



I'VE GOT A GIRL AND- 



'HE'S so dumb she thinks that 

a Chamber of Commerce is a bedroom farce, 
the Stamp Act is on the vaudeville circuit, 
a pitcher plant manufactures crockery. 
Boston, Mass., is a church service. 
a door step is a new dance, 
hosiery is used by firemen. 



tion. 



you take a flight of stairs in an airplane. 
Maxfield Parrish is the minister's new loca- 

a marron is an idiot. 

a street car leaves tracks when it runs. 

a cosmopolite is a new invention of Edison's. 



B 



EES: ^Yhat does that devil's food 
cake taste like.^ 
Knees : Hell ! 



I5UTCHER: So you want a job 

do you ? 

Well I pay eight dollars a week. 
Can you dress a chicken? 

Boy: Yes, but not on eight dol- 
lars a week! 



l^IPLING had an advance line on 
the shredded wheat variety of 
bobbed tresses when he wrote of a 
"hayrick head of hair." 




HOLD EM AGGIE! 



^ I 'HE only thing we know as fast 
as our hockey team are the puck 
and our roommate's girl. 



IRTISH Kitty: nish kitty: kitty. 
Shay, what have you been 
drinking.'* 



S 



¥ ¥AVE you heard the latest song- 
hit, "On Sofie's Sofa Sofie 
Goes Sofar with Me." 



LUXURY AT SIX CENTS A THROW 

PROUDLY I enter my car and sink languidly speeds on and on thru the twilight. Liveries 

on the upholstered seat. Smoothly the of blue and gold clothe my lackeys, — and I 

great car slides into action, bearing me onward lack only one thing to make my happiness 

down the smooth road. What luxury is mine! complete. I wish that on the side of my car 

I need not trudge down the long and snowy way. these words were not painted: HOLYOKE 

Instead I gaze thru a crystal pane while the shin- STREET RAILWAY. It's such a plebian idea! 
ing yellow car, warm and lavishly decorated, 



THE SQUIB 




A heavy line had Mary Ann 
And she coiikl use it too. 
She'd gain more ground in one short hour 



Than other girls could do. 



She used a simple sort of play — 
A nod, a glance, a smile: 



But John was dumb. 



His senses numb, 



He missed the play a mile. 



The play is now at center, 



The second half's begun. 



But listen — thru the hallway 
Approaching footsteps come. 
The ref comes in, turns on the light. 



The door shuts with a slam; 



But John was dumb. 
His senses numb. 



He didn't care a damn. 



With both sides using hefty lines 



The first half was a route. 



Till Mary took the game in hand 
And turned the lights all out. 



For now the room was dark as ink 



Discretion flew away; 



Though John was dumb, 



The time had come. 




His course was plain as day. 



THE SQUIB 



r\ID you make your 
letter? 
You bet, she wrote 
the very next day. 



/ >t- •»'>•.. \ He, asked h.er if ske, loved K,i 
V /la r . 



le, SQ-id ilie dvdrJf k 



n-0\v. 





I-f h.e-'cl tvii-rv tkc li^Kta dowrv low. ' 




li^AN reading: "She 
took a puff from 
her vanity case" — What 
won't these women do 
next? 



THE PLAYFUL PASTIMES OF PAST PEOPLE 

(Being an authentic and exhaustive research into the further and hitherto unknown occupa- 
tions of various Biblical characters) 



PlRST on the program, ladies and gentlemen, 
we have the honour of presenting to you: 

Adam — he was a crap shooter. Regard the 
film carefully. Adam crouches under a spread- 
ing granite apple tree. (Granite apples make 
extra hard cider.) Eve is with him, and as 
Adam plays a rustling is heard in the leaves 
overhead. A few minutes later "snake eyes" 
glitter as Adam loses the bones to Eve. 
xAU right — now who do we see? 

Noah — he was a golfer. His chief occupa- 
tion, when he wasn't busy ringing up the Weather 
Bureau to get advance reports of good days for 
his yachting trips, was arranging tw^osomes. 
He was some "driver," Noah was. 
Now who? 

David — he was a bowling alley hound. He 
used a slingshot, which isn't awfully good form, 
but he certainly bowled them over — in fact, he 



knocked them dead. I have heard that he talked 
some poor people to death. You probably 
remember how it was, "the jaw-bone of an ass" 
and all that. 
Reel four will follow shortly. 

Moses — he played tennis. When he wasn't 
balling out that poor old monarch, he was usually 
serving in Pharoah's court. This is old stuff, 
but then, almost all history is, you know. 
And last, but who could be so cruel as to say least, 
we take the greatest pleasure in introducing: 

William Jennings Bryan — he's a matador. 
Remember what the matadors do? He eats 
this "sliriging the bull" stuff. He wins the beauti- 
ful pink upholstered Uueeda biscuit, and he 
absolutely defies anyone to make a monkey of 
him. He isn't really Biblical, not having enough 
years and whiskers, but he gets by on hot air. 
Please pass out quietly, and omit bouquets. 
Bricks will be acceptable^ — we need a new house. 




M-n-n-n-n 



THE SQUIB 



DEDICATED TO "ANTI-CRUSH" A^^ ^^ cannot convince the head coach 

„,,..,,., • 1 J that "strike" i^ synonymous for "hit." 

Bored, disillusioned, cynical, and sore 

you sound. 

S 
Your weariness with all our wiles, 

Our platitudes, our tears, and smiles, ^^^. -T^ey tell me that I take after my 

profound; father." 

A bun h of jazzing petters all ^nd: "But I noticed that when I was a boy 

You've found. "^^ father usually took after me." 

Experience, you say, is sadly bought '^ 

Why Bought? 

,,,,., A THOUGHT AT 8.59 A. M. 

Some girls resemble looking glasses 

Oh, I'd love to be a monkey, a monkey. 
And mirror what before them passes 

a monkey, 
Much or naught; 

I'd love to be a monkey with a funny 
Perhaps what you have found is all 

chunky f ace- - 
You've sought! 

For when I'd find the hour was late 

c To walk or run I wouldn't wait, 

No sir, not me! 

I'd simply swing from branch to branch 



JUST BEFORE CHAPEL 

'¥ got up an hour and a half before break- 
fast." 



Like a hurried furry avalanche 

And there'd I'd be! 



Oh, I'd love to be a monkey, a monkey, a 
monkey. 



"It was pretty dark, wasn't it.'^" 

"Oh no, I'm eating breakfast at nine o'clock 

this morning." 

I'd love to be a monkey when it comes 

the time for class — 

S 



'¥¥E is a great ladies mart, isn't !ie.'' 



Cause now I have to climb and climb 

To the second floor most every time, 

It wearies me! 

"Yes, he makes love to eight girls a 

, . , Could I swing along as monkeys will 

week, approximately. 

"What do you mean, approximately?" I'd hop right over the window sill, 

"Oh, roughly." And there'd I'd be! 



THE SQUIB 



SHE (thinking of baseball): "How quick 
can you make a home-run?" 
He (from another viewpoint): "That all 
depends on how s'trong j^our father is," 



A BOVE me, laced against the blue the pine 
^"^ boughs whisper low; beneath me sparkles 
hard and bright the crisply crusted snow. A 
voice is ringing in my ear. Two arms about me 
strong are holding me; he's telling me (how 
could I know it was wrong?) that even those who 
fall can rise. He'll help me make a start, but 
next time — "For the love of Pete, keep those 
darn skis apart I" 



I LOVE THE ATHLETES 

I love the football men. 

They are so big and strong. 

Even when they love 

In the cave-man style 

I do not mind. 

I appreciate a good squeeze, 

It makes me tingle thru and thru. 

Their kiss may be rude 

Their stories tempting. 

But I enjoy the dangers of it all, 

I love the football men. 



I love the basketball players. 

They are so active 

They can get across the room 

So quickly in an emergency. 

Sometimes they get too close to the net 

And it costs me fifteen cents. 

But it is worth it withal. 

Their dribble on my lips 

Is never broken 

Once they take the offence, 

I love the basketball players. 



I love the hockey players. 

They glide to their goal so easily. 

Their shots are never misplaced 

On an eyebrow or ear 

So ardent are they. 

They may at times be forward 

And play a carefree game, 

But there are pleasures in that; 



/^HORUS: "Isn't he 
just too sweet 




And I am always on the defence 
So the game is played safe; 
I love the hockey players. 



I love the baseball men, 

They play so fair. 

They can throw me 

Dazzling glances; 

They can catch 

Me up in their arms so tenderly 

That I do not care 

To strike out at thexn. 

They always make a hit 

At a ball or party; 

I love the baseball men. 



I love the track men, 

They are so speedy 

In love as well as on foot. 

Being light of foot 

Is a distinct advantage 

Should father intrude 

Upon our little parlor party. 

They do not delay 

They love speedily and with as much heat 

As in a race; 

I love the rack men. 



EXCHAHCl 



U.'J' 



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YE EDITOR 



"A caller with a poem want to see .you." 
"The devil! What's his name?" 
"It's a young lady — and she's a peach." 
"Ah! Show her in. I'll be glad — ahem — to 
look at her lines." 

Yellow Jacket 



Bewhiskered Gent: "Are you going to Har- 
vard next fall, my lad?" 

Youth: "Xo,'sir; B. U." 

Bewhiskered Gent : "My dear boy, I graduated 
in '88." 

Lampoon 

S 

"Hey, you robber!" yelled the irate legatee 
Is he tore into the monument works. "Here 
a get a bill for a cold hundred and there isn't 
a word on the stone!" 

"S'all O. K." replied the boss. "Didn't you 
order some blank verse?" 

"Damn! Well, go out and change it to some 
of that free verse, then. Receipt that bill!" 

Voo Doo 

S 

SOME ATHLETE 

One of the rounders, after several too many 
cabarets, reached the dock just as the mid- 
night ferry was leaving. He made a record 
broad jump that barely covered the rapidly 
increasing expanse of water and fell headlong 
on the deck where he lay for a few minutes. 
At last he sat up and dazedly regarded the hun- 
dred feet of water between ferry and shore. 
IS|"Holy high hurdles — what a jumper 1 am," 
he muttered. 

Sun Dodger 

S 

There was a time when a man took his pen 
in hand — Now he takes his typewriter in his arms. 

Aliig Wvmps 



Indignant: "See here, waiter, here's a piece 

of. wood in my sausage." 

Waiter: "Yes, sir, but I'm sure — er — " 
Indignanter: "Sure nothing! I don't mind 

eating the dog, but I'm hanged if I'm going to 

eat the kennel too." 

Flemingo 

S 

HEARD IN A GENTS' FURNISHING 
STORE 

Customer: "I like that hat; how much is it?" 

Clerk: "Twelve dollars." 

Customer: "Twelve dollars? And where are 
the holes?" 

Clerk: "Holes? What holes?" 

Customer: "The holes for the ears of the 
jackass that would pay twelve dollars for that 
hat." 

Black and Blue Jay 

S 
NATURAL DISLIKE 

One of the boys returned from a week end 
hunt, much disgruntled. When twitted about 
his success he admitted that all he shot was his 
dog. 

"Was he mad?" someone asked. 

"No," responded Nimrod. "But he didn't 
exactly like it." 

Sun Dodger 

S 

Confused Male Shopper: "I'd like to see some- 
thing nice in lingerie." 

Salesgirl: "Sorry, sir, but this is a millinery 
shop. Theatre four doors to the left." 

Froth 



Alyce: "I adore Keats!" 

Ikey: "Oy, it's a relief to meet a lady vot 

still likes children!" 

Froth 



Amherst Book Store 



The New "John Hancock" 

Fountain Pen with ink 

cartridge $5.00 

Your name put on free with 
every pen 

Pennants, Banners and 'Pillow 
Tops for sale here 



C. F. DYER 



A SAD STORY 

Ikey and Pat were wounded in an engagement 
in the Argonne. A priest making his rounds 
found them. After giving the Irishman the last 
rites he went over to Ikey and asked, "Do] you 
believe in the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost?" 

Ikey groaned and rolled over. 

"Oi, Oi! Here I am dying and you ask me 
riddles." 

Yelloiv Jacket 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 
THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Ball Teams 
Also to— 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — ComiC Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



LUCKY 
STRIKE 



This one 
extra 

prpces 

delightful 
quality thai 
cannot be 
duplicated 



UNITED STATES HOTEL 

Lincoln, Beach and Kingston St., Boston, Mass. 

BOSTON HEADQUARTERS FOR M. A. C. 



Rooms with hot and cold running water, $2.00 up 
Rooms with bath - - - - 3.00 up 

Club Breakfast, 30c to $1 .30 (I 5 combinations) 
Daily and Sunday Luncheon, 75c and $1 .00 
Daily and Sunday Dinner, $L25 

NEAR BOSTON'S BEST GARAGES 



James G. Hickey, Manager 



F. M. Thompson & Son 

Hart, Schaffner&Marx Clothes 

Kirschbaum Clothes 

H. & P. Gloves 

Ba-Ba Sheep Lined Coats 

Parker, Arrow & Tyson Shirts 

Interwoven Sox 

Van Heuson Collars 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

Clothes for Aggie Men 
for Thirty-five Years 



Sunday afternoon he took her riding, 
Monday ev'ning simply dragged along, 
Tuesday on the ice they both were gliding, 
Wednesday, candy helped the cause along, 
Thursday by the Library he met her 
And saw her quickly? to the Abbey door, 
Friday night the moon shone oh, so brightly 
And after that — there isn't anv more. 



Closed and Open Cars 20 Passenger Bjs 

Follow your athletic teams 

CALL 

CITY TAXICAB CO. 

Tel . 96-W 
Draper Building Edw. Sarazin, Prop. 



NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



"You can depend on Our Service 



ryJt LAf\/-GLEYS FIRST 



■*- 




MODEL IN- FLIGHT )-<^ 



'"The way of an Eagle in the air" 




ENTURY after century 
men broke their necks 
..^,,. trying to fly. They had 
not troubled to discover 
what Solomon called "the way of 
an eagle in the air." 

In 1 891 came Samuel Pierpont 
Langley, secretary of the Smith- 
sonian Institution. He wanted 
facts. His first step was to whirl 
flat surfaces in the air, to measure 
the air pressures required to sus- 
tain these surfaces in motion and 
to study the swirls and currents of 
the air itself. Finally, in 1896, he 
built a small steam-driven model 
which flew three-quarters of a 
mile. 

With a Congressional appro- 
priation of $50,000 Langley built 
a large man-carrymg machine. Be- 
cause it was improperly launched, 
it dropped into the Potomac River. 
Years later, Glenn Curtiss flew it 
at Hammondsport, New York. 

Congress regarded Langley*s 
attempt not as a scientific experi- 
ment but as a sad fiasco and 



refused to encourage him further. 
He died a disappointed man. 

Langley *s scientific study which 
ultimately gave us the airplane 
seemed unimportant in 1896. 
Whole newspaper pages were given 
up to the sixteen-to-one ratio of 
silver to gold. 

"Sixteen-to-one" is dead polit- 
ically. Thousands of airplanes 
cleave the air — airplane? built 
with the knowledge that Langley 
acquired. 

In this work the Laboratories of 
the General Electric Company 
played their part. They aided in 
developing the "supercharger," 
whereby an engine may be sup- 
plied with the air that it needs for 
combustion at altitudes of four 
miles and more. Getting the facts 
first, the Langley method, made 
the achievement possible. 

What is expedient or important 
today may be forgotten tomorrow. 
The spirit of scientific research 
and its achievements endure. 



4- 




eneral^Elecftric 



9 



encra 



I 0, 



ice 



Company schcn.ct.dy,MY. 



<)5-636D 



'■*/ 




'J-'".*.'. f.L^T'. 



Winchester Sporting 

and 

Athletic Goods 



Hardware, Plumbing 

and 

Heating 




Mutual Plumbing and 
Heating Co. 



PAGE, CAESAR 

An Irishman and his wife were at the theatei" 
for the first time. The wife noticed the word 
"Asbestos" printed on the curtain. 

"Faith, Pat, and what does Asbestos on the 
curtain mean.''" 

"Be still, Mag, don't show your ignorance. 
That is the Latin for 'Welcome'." 

Beanjjot 



Flat: "Over in California we have a lilac 
bush fifty feet high." 

Flatter: "I wish I could lilac that." 



The prof rushed into the room where his wife 
was sitting: 

"My dear," said he excitedly, "guess what! 
Intelligence has just reached me — " 

"Well, thank heaven, Harry," she replied 
rushing to embrace him. 

Flamingo 



DUMB.? No, DUMBER 

Ralph: "I have a sweetheart who is named 
Belle. I went to call on her the other evening 
and got as far as the door but didn't go in to see 
her, as she was sick." 

Roland: "You mean to tell me you got as 
far as the door, didn't see her, but stil] knew 
she was ill?" How do you know she was ill.?" 

Ralph: "There was a sign on the door which 
read 'Bell out of order'." 

Bison 



Miss Miggs, the village poetess, made up a 
piece called "A Morning Thought." When sub- 
mitting it to the Boudoir, she wrote, "The idea 
of this poem came to me while dressing." 

In returning the manuscript, the editor wrote 
Miss Miggs, "We trust the next idea for a poem 
will come fully dressed. The scant covering 
of this one made us violently blush." 

Bison 



F. M. Thompson & Son 

Hart, Schaflfner&Marx Clothes 

Kirschbaum Clothes 

H. & P. Gloves 

Ba-Ba Sheep Lined Coats 

Parker, Arrow & Tyson Shirts 

Interwoven Sox 

Van Heuson Collars 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

Clothes for Aggie Men 
for Thirty-five Years 



printing 

^nling 

blinding 

''The Kind Worth While" 

Excelsior Printing Co. 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 


Customer: "I would like to see some musical 
instruments — a harp, a banjo, and a lyre." 

Boy (just reprimanded) : "I can show you the 
harp and the banjo, but the boss is out." 

Virginia Reel 


Our newest definition of a dumb-bell — A guy 
that sits up all night because the washwoman has 
his pajamas. 

Froth 


Bob Pickup: ''Ay, Fitzgerald, can ye tell me 
why Lord Pepperell always wears a monacle?" 

Fitz': "Well, I'm not sure, but I guess it's 
because his blooming brain can't absorb more 
than one eye can see." 

Brown Jug 


Guest: "I shall speak to the bell-captain 
about you. You should always knock before 
entering a room. Why, I might have been 
dressing." 

Bell-Boy: "Oh, I knew you weren't ma'm; 
I always look through the keyhole first." 

Phoenix 


Public Sales 

We have purchased 122,000 pair U. S. Army Munson last 
shoes, sizes 5| to 12 which was the entire surplus stock of one 
of the largest U. S. Government shoe contractors. 

This shoe is guaranteed one hundred percent solid leather, 
color dark tan, bellows tongue, dirt and waterproof. The 
actual value of this shoe is $5.00. Owing to this tremeadous 
buy we can offer same to the public at S2.95. 

Send correct size. Pay postman on delivery or send money 
order. If shoes are not as represented, we will cheerfully 
refund your money promptly on request. 

NATIONAL 
BAY STATE SHOE COMPANY 

296 Broadway, New York, N. Y. 


Amherst Book Store 

The New "John Hancock" 

^ ountain Pen with ink 

cartridge $5.00 

Your name put on free with 
every pen 

Pennants, Banners and Pillow 
1 ops for sale here 

C. V. DYER 



ANY NIGHT 

"What say, girlie?" 

"Oh, I don't wajina." 
"Come on, come on!" 

"No, I ain't gonna." 
"Don't you wanta?" 

"No, I don't." 
"You won't gimme?" 

"No, I won't!" 
"All right, Ta, ta." 

"Oh don't go, please, 
"Of course I'll kiss you, 

"But you're an awful tease." 

Brown Jug 



Teacher: "What makes you so late?" 

Boy: "Please, miss, the doctor brought a new 

little sister this morning." 

Teacher (preoccupied): "Very good, but don't 

let it happen again, mind." 

Whirlwind 



I always thought 
That the 

German Mark was 
The grade I 
Got on my 
Exam in German. 
Yesterday I 
Found out the 
Value of the 
German Mark, and 
Now I know 
I was 
Eight. 



But 



Sun Dodger 



"And why did you leave your last position?" 
"To be frank, sir, the wife of my employer 

objected to his flirting with me." 

"Ah — um — er well, I think that you may 

start here tomorrow." 

Mainiac 



TRANSLUCENT 

A sweet little maid was Irene 
Outfitted in pink crepe de chine; 
When she stood in the light 
It hardly seemed right. 
But we saw less of silk than Irene. 

Voo Doo 



LUCKir 
STRIKE 






TTiis one 
extra 

process 

rfives a 
deli^tful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 



Bonjour Mademoiselles, 
Au Revoir 

Oome girls think 
I've been, we've been, 
Just a little bit 
Oarcastical. 
We've hit 
1 he gentle sex 
Oelow'the belt. 
As it were. 

lAr e're giving them a chance 

Tu 1 
o come back 

1 ooth and nail, 
Oeak and talon, 
Jr ang and claw. 
We'll take it all, 
(jrin and bear, 

1 hen retire. 

1 he present board is through. 



<t 



Gal's Own'' Number 



March, 1923 



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QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



Literary Editor 
F. BRUNNER, 24 

Exchange Editor 

W. E. PADDOCK, '23 
Literary Department 

W. F. PRATT, '24 

S. F. HARRIS, '24 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 



Art Editor 

R. NOYES, '24 

Art Department 

H. E. FRASER, '26 



Editor-in-Chief 
T. T. ABELE, '23 

Managing Editor 
C. A. TOWNE, '23 

Business Manager 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 



Business Department 
W. E. RHODES, '24 
G. W. HANSCOMB, '25 
V. PIERCE, '24 
B. NEEDHAM, '26 
H. LINDSKOG, '26 
H. RICHARDSON, '26 



Asst. Buisness Manager 
L. HALE, '25 

Advertising Manager 
C. E. BOWES, '24 

Circulation Manager 
E. F. LAMB, '24 



* 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College in 
the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed to 
the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $1.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-offlce as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS] 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



SIGN ill a photographer's window: 
in your babies and get a big one." 



"Brinj 



w 



A.NTED:— 

Girls to trim sailors. 



THE SQUIB 



SLUSH 



IF you and I could change about 

For just one summer day, 
And you be the girl, and I the boy, 
Ir. stead of t'other way, 



I know how I'd look down at you, 
To tell you that your eyes 
Are shadowed pools where fairies dance- 
Blue bits of summer skies. 




H 



ERE'S to the girl that's mine, all mine. She 
drinks and she bets and she smokes cigar- 



ettes. 



And sometimes I'm told she goes out and forgets 
That she is mine — all mine. 



I know how I would drop my voice, 
To tell you that your hair 
Has woven in its gleaming gold 
A fatal, steely snare. 



IJOUSE mother: Jane, if I am not mis- 
* ^ taken I saw you with your head on a young 
man's shoulder last evening. What kind of an 
attitude is that-f* 

Jane (demurely) : Beautitude. 



I'd come beneath your window, 
And sing a serenade, 
A song of how, within your hand^. 
My happiness is laid. 



I know that I would do all this, 
And that it all would go to you — 
In part because you'd be a girl, 
But mostly 'cause it would be true. 



I 



NSANE: "I want some bastings." 

Attendant: "What for?" 
Insane: "I'm a chicken and I don't feel dressed." 



S 



POOR OSCAR 

TTT'HEN Spring comes, 

' * And the sun goes down 
And the moon rises — 

When warm winds blow 

And lilacs bloom 

And pussy willows have blossomed- 

When the air's fragrance 
Breathes love and languor 
And night moths fly — 

When night waters, moonlit 
Beg to be rippled 
By canoes gliding — 

Then we find Oscar Shaw 
At home, reading 
Pilgrim's Progress 

Or sitting in the hammock 
Lightly swinging 
With his sister. 



THE SQUIB 




¥^ID you hear of the wooden wedding yesterday? 
No, how come? 
Tw^o Poles were married. (Who says my girl 
ain't bright, eh Squibby?) 



TO THE LADY WITH A BANDANA 

WHEN we see you Sunday morning 
Your hat crown it's adorning, 
But the next day hats you're scorning 
And it's slung around your waist; 
Then about your neck you tie it. 
As a head-dress wild you try it, 
It's most versatile and giddy, but — 
Just where should it be placed? 



"Wot you dom chile?" 

"Nothin'j mammy." 

"My, but you is gettin' like your father." 



OLD STUFF 

DILL[had a board bill. 

And Bill had a bill board. 
Bill's board bill bored Bill, 
So Bill sold Bill's bill board 
To pay Bill's board bill. 
And then Bill's board bill 
No longer bored Bill. 






COHEN, I've lost my pocketbook." 
"Have you looked by your pockets?" 
"Sure, all but der left-hand hip pocket." 
"Veil, vy don't you look in dot?" 
"Because if it ain't dere I'll drop dead!" 



AFTER THE PARTY 

FIRST Co-Ed: Well, I must come -do^n to 
earth and study x^gronomy. 
Second ditto: And I must get back to business 
and do my Aggie Ec. 



DEAR Teacher: "Please excuse Willie's ab- 
sence for the last two days; he caught a 
skunk." 



YOU DON'T "SAY"! 

"/^H piffle!" he oathed. 

^^ "Why, Reginald, what is it?" she lilted 
lightly. 

"I am ruined," he gloomed. She ran to him. 

"Tell me all," she quavered. 

"My monthly installment on the kitchen sink 
is due," he scowled, "and there isn't a stamp in 
the house." 

"Is that all?" she radiated, "Give it to me." 

"What can you do?" he doubted. 

She put the letter on the floor, raised a dainty 
French heel, and 

"Just watch me!" she balanced, And then she — 
Stamped the letter. 



THE SQUIB 




LDITORIAL5 



T 



O the Ladies" Squib dedicates this number. The modern girl is a modern pre-occupation 
and Squib is modern from the front cover to the last ad, therefore the eternal "She" 
is duly represented and considered. She is a shock and a delight. She used to stay 
at home and faint becomingly when a man called upon her, and condescendingly informed 
her that the weather was getting colder. Now she goes to college — where she learns 
to use subtly fragrant shaded tints of Coty's powders instead of the unsophisticated white scents of 
Colgate's talcums. Very specially, at M. A. C, she learns the difference between a hypercotyl and 
a logarithm, as well as the proper answer to "Doing anything tonight?" and the latest way to wear her 
shrieking bandana handkerchief. What, w^e ask you, is a campus without a girl? Quieter vocally, 
perhaps, but certainly not optically. Men at best are unaesthetic objects — as essential, as useful, 
and as homely as umbrellas. Orange sweaters, red hats, and variegated silk stockings — the campus is 
colorful with feminine furbelows. She's decorative — usually. iVnd above all, she thinks amusingly 
as well as scholastically. As a witness to this. Squib offers the Gal's Own Number. 



OF course the Editor must be represented in the foreword and on the editorial page, and of 
course we must substitute some of our own line drawings for the fancy washes so expensive 
to print that our friends contributed, but except for these minor offences wepresent to you 
a real "Gal's Own" Number. We are glad to acknowledge contributions from Simmons, 
Boston University, Massachusetts Normal Art School, Connecticut College for Women, 
Somerville High School, and M. A. C. If any young lady with material in this issue fails to find the 
institution of which she is a member credited, it is because some one was too jealous to give the editor 
the address. Especial credit is due to the ladies of Mrs. Adams' Hall, who supported us wonderfully. 




THE SQUIB 



IF 



¥F you have got an iron willed persistence, 

A doggedness of purpose grim and firm, 
And if against all jeers you make resistance. 
And taunts of men don't cause your pride to 

squirm; 
If with the only face that God has given you 
You dare to trifle and experiment 
In spite of whether she will cease to love you 
Or even ditch you for some smooth lipped 

gent; 
If you have got an agricultural feeling 
Toward all that's weak and struggling to grow, 
Instinct that makes you nourish into being 
Even a helpless hair that tries to show; 

If you can look and not get tired of gazing 
To see if your noble upper lip bears fruit, 
And coax each stubborn bristle you are raising 
To hurry and emerge beneath your snoot; 
If you can use a little Christian Science 
And think the fertile lip's progressing fine. 
And say to all the scoffers with defiance 
"Stop trying? Never! Give the darn thing 

time." 
If you can shave your face and Adam's apple 
And yet avoid the spot you're teased about, 
And with temptation manfully can grapple 
Altho you'll look like — at first no doubt; 
If also you can bear to think of having 
A billion little germs housed on your lip; 
If you can give up hopes of ever kissing 
Fastidious girls and never care a bit; 
If you at least can fill your youthful lip up 
With sixty scraggly hairs whose growth is done, 
You'll have a noble, healthy, bristling Moustache, 
Apd what is more you'll be a Man, my son! 



R/IY gal says that 
^^* Squibby is her best 
friend 'cause when 
the Squib comes 
'round she knows 
I'm still alive 
and only economizing 
on stamps. 



CO-ED (after paying term's bill) : If I have 80 
or over in all my subjects I'll buy myself — 
a stick of chewing gum. 



1st.: Did you hear of the new law in England? 
2nd: No, what is it? 
1st: Bonar Law. 



THE ANAESTHETIC SENSE 

A dentist on board a large barque. 
Essayed to pull teeth for Miss Clarque, 
But when he asked, "Gas?" 
She promptly said, "Yas, 
You can't fool with me in the darquel" 



THE AGGITES VS. THE OSTEOPATHS 

AGGIE rooter: Stick to the goal there. 
A. S. O. : ^yhat you want them to use, 
surgeons' plaster? 



LOVING mother writing an excuse for darling, 
"well let's see, Chester." 

Dear Teacher: 

"Please excuse my little Chester for being 
absent as he fell in the mud. By doing the same 
you will oblige." 

Mrs. Smith. 



THE SQUIB 



THE RAVINGS OF ABIGAIL 

T^HE co-ed stood on the burning deck 

Whence all but she had fled. 
She stood there like a dumbell 
Doing Phizzy Ed. 

The flames about her leaped and roared. 
They licked down to the bay, 
But the sight of the maiden's frantic twists 
Kept even the flames away. 

She bent, she whirled, she swung the bells. 

She did aesthetic dancing, — 
The very wavelets leaped in glee 

To see her, so entrancing. 

Moral: — Everything you see 
Written in this 
Form is not poetry. 
It may be "would be." 




w 



HAT is the the point of this drawing.'' 
If we knew we'd be there. 



>ROF: "Where do we get Muriate of Potash?" 
T— : "Buy it." 



IT'S a dirty lie," said the golfer, as he dis- 
covered his golf ball in the mud-hole. 



MINISTER: Where is the mailbox, please.'' 
Co-ed (mistaking him for a new prof.): 
Oh, how do you do! How am I in my work this 
term ? 

Minister: Er — well — er — 

Co-ed: Oh, you haven't had time! You 
can't quite make out my form so soon, can you? 

Minister (blushing) : Well — er — hardly, — you 
see. Where did you say the mail box is? 

Co-ed (with dawning intelligence) : Oh, uh — 
right over there. 



CO-ED : I have a sore heel. 
Escort: That's tough. 
Co-ed: No, it's tender. 



"^^OME, dear, kiss my cheek and make it up," 
^^ she said. 
"I'll kiss it," he answered, "but I don't think 
it wants any more making up," 



THE SQUIB 



A taste for painting? I don't know. 
She may perhaps be full of it . 
She did her best to paint her face, 
And well! She made a sight of it. 
N, B. My gal says some girls ain't as dumb 
as they are painted. 



WHAT SHE THINKS OF US 



WHEN DREAMS COME TRUE 

SMALL boy (on arrival at country cottage) : 
— "Mummy, where is the bath-room?" 
Mother: "There isn't any bath-room, dear." 
Small boy: "Good, this is going to be a real 
holiday." 



o 



H men are very funny, 

Both when they're sad and sunny, 
And the sadder or the sunnier 
No funnier they are. 
For a game they're always playing, — 
No matter what they're saying, — 
And the footlights are before them, like 
A "No Trespassing" bar. 



WE Freshmen like the rain. 
When it rains, the sophs 
Are so busy wading to classes 
That they don't know 
Whether we are wearing our Frosh caps 
Or not. Besides, there's always the forlorn 
hope that it'll rain so hard the prof 
Won't come. So 
We Freshmen like the rain. 



Man feels that he is acting 

A role that's most exacting. 

And one that takes much effort on 

His part to "put across." 

An audience attentive. 

And some worth-while incentive 

Are necessary, else he feels 

His work would be a loss. 




w 



HY did Bill leave college? 

Oh! Figures were too much for him, I 



And so, for we must match him, 
We set our wits to catch him, — 
And turn the lights up brightly at 
The moments most intense. 
This is really most annoying, 
But it keeps his life from cloying, 
And an actor who is bored with life 
Is poor! (Don't take offense!) 



guess. 



THE SQUIB 




l/llM\U\Uium^N\ 





GIRL OF TODAY 



o 



H maid of impertinent manners, 
Oh, Damsel of insolent mien, 
You come like an army with banners — 

Triumphant, exultant — a queen! 
As cool as the wind o'er the prairies, 

As fresh as the blossoms of May, 
You're full of astounding vagaries, 

Oh, Girl of Today. 



Your hair is bobbed off like a Fiji; 

You're swaddled in furs in July! 
Your hat is a bowl put on skee — gee, 

Entirely eclipsing one eye. 
Your ears are lost as Atlantis; 

Yet out from that muddle of hair 
Come earrings that shock and enchant us- 

So ears must be there! 



Your costume is scanty, O Goddess; 

A slip with a shoe string begirt. 
That boasts nothing much of a bodice. 

And flaunts rather less of a skirt. 
The imbecile stuff of your hose is 

Sheer silk of the thinnest of thins. 
Whose gauze half conceals, half discloses, 

Your shapely young shins. 



Your lips are the crudest vermillion. 

While your cheeks have a cochineal tint. 
(More Indian like than civilian 

The paint you apply without stint.) 
Your nose is a powdered marshmallow 

In the midst of the color display; 
Your chin like a round lump of tallow, 

Oh, Girl of Today! 



Don't think I'm a rabid exhorter — - 

Yet I hate to contemplate, my dear, 
If your skirts should get very much shorter, — 

Or your stockings a trifle more sheer; 
If you paint your face any more thickly. 

Or don a more scanty array. 
I pray that reform, may come quickly, 

Oh, Girl of Today. 



THE SQUIB 

SANTA CLAUS 
A Play in the Contemporary Manner 

Cast of Characters: 

Mary, who has a gift for phrasing and no conscience. 
Jane, who has a vivid imagination and even less conscience. 

Time: just before an English class. 

Place: a dormitory room. 

As the curtain rises, a small room is disclosed. On a bed a girl is sitting, a pad in her lap and 
a badly chewed pencil in her hand. Another girl is at a battered desk. Sheets of paper are strewn 
about the floor, and an alarm clock is in a prominent place on a bureau. The girl on the bed is speaking. 

Mary: Santa Claus! Migosh, what do I know about Santa Claus.'' I haven't believed in him since 
I was five, and even then I used to swipe the crackers my kid sister trustfully left on the hearth for him — 

Jane: All right, dumb-bell, write about that then. Heavens, you're only writing a theme, not a 
sermon. You don't have to sling the sentimental line unless you want — 

Mary: I don't, don't I.^ And that's just the stuff that gets by. Sounds so earnest and high-minded 
n'everything. 

Jane: (abstractedly) Yes — Yes, . . . .Oh! 

She writes busily. 

Mary: What the deuce? 

Jane: I've got an idea! 

Mary: Treat it kindly or it'll die of lonesomeness. Why not pass it around.^ I could use one of the 
things myself. 

Jane: Do your own thinking for a change, old dear. But listen, this is good. My line is: Why is 
Santa Claus anyway? 

Mary: I'll bite, why is he? 

Jane: Well, as far as I can figure it, he's mostly an excuse for dumb jokes and nice sobby stories 
in the Christmas magazines, and alibis for parents to give little Willie a new tooth-brush instead of 
the skates he wants, so^ — 

Mary: Yes, yes, go on. What is this anyway, a catalogue? 

Jane: No, cuckoo — can't you see what a line that makes? I'll go fifty-fifty with you. You take 
the joke side and I'll try the sobstuff, or if you feel properly weepy, we'll try it the other way round. 

Mary (thoughtfully) : Well, I guess it can't be any worse if I try to think up something myself, so 
keep still while I make the ink and paper collide, thus producing a theme, as our friend Mr. Barrett 
Wendell so cleverly remarks. 

Deep silence while pens race the minute hand of the clock. A bell is heard striking three just 
as the girls finish. Their pencils drop and they grab up their coats and rush out in a whirl of papers. 
In the utter silence that follows, the head of Santa Claus becomes visible. He speaks. 

Santa Claus: They certainly win the nickel-plated chiffon doughnut! 

Swift Curtain 



THE SQUIB 







x^in't She Just All Held? 



THE SQUIB 



VACATIONS THEM 

li^Y heart is broke 
I'm awful blue 
'Cause exams are over 



D 



ARK street, glint of steel, 
Hero comes, thrilling reel. 



There's nothing to do. 



The tears just drizzle 
DowTi my face. 
They drool and squirt 
At breakneck pace. 



1st Freshman: You're a heck of a guy- — pass 
a fellow on the street and not speak to him. 
2nd Freshman : You met me jBrst. 



And all because 



Vacation's come! 



O, aren't vacations 



Awful dumb.'' 



I love my books 
My God is Work. 



How can I bear 



-0 



That joy to shirk 
Seven whole days 
With naught to do 
But sleep and sleep 
And dream of you ! 



Great Hat and Trimmins 



What could be worse.'' 



Oh undertaker, 



Harness the hearse! 



And send me daisies — 



"Daisies won't tell" 



ROBERT'S THEORY 

13 OBERT has a theory in regard to his lady 
^^ loves, that as their names, so are they. 
Therefore because Rosamond is a romantic name, 
he sends Rosamond pansies and lilies of the 
valley and primroses, which are his idea of romance. 
Peggy has such a good sport sound, he takes 
Peggy on long hikes thru the woods. Helen — ah 
— a name of dreams! — and sonnets are written 
to Helen about the delicacy and charm of her 
eyebrows, elbows, etc., etc. Sarah has rather a 
prim, collegiate sound, and Robert indulges her 
of that name by taking her to see heavy and 
somewhat unpleasant plays. 

The funny part is that Rosamond's favorite 
floAver is the American Beauty or some equally 
blatant and expensive blossom; Peggy writes 
poetry and reads Milton and loathes tearing about 
out of doors; when the sonnets arrive Helen 
says, "What, again .^ How cum, Krazy Kat?" 
and reads them with howls of glee to her sorority 
sisters: Sarah's favorite author is Harold Bell 
Wright and she goes to the movies every night, and 
she thinks the pictures of Shelly as a boy are 
"simply darling." 

There is a subtle moral to this — more so than 
would appear. Think it over. 



If I've soared to heaven, 



Or slid to hell. 



THE SQUIB 



PROF (in Aggie Ec.) : Write an article on the 
watering of stock, railroad stock. 
Co-ed (industriously scribbling) : Let them out 
at each siding and give them water from a trough. 



MISS Blake, to young man from Aggie: I 
fancy Mr. S — , that you are very fond of 
husbandry.'' 

Mr. S — : I suppose I should be. Miss Blake, 
if I could find the right kind of a girl. 



^ I 'HE oldest i^upil in the physiology class 
was just at the age when humanity — that 
is, humanity as embodied in girls — was far more 
interesting to him than any other study. So he 
suddenly awoke to alert attention when lie heard 
the teacher remark: "People who drink too much 
coffee get what is known as coffee-heart, and men 
who use too much tobacco get tobacco-heart." 

The oldest pupil frantically waved his hand. 

"Well, what is it, Herbert.^" the teacher asked, 
pleased by this unusual show of interest. 

"What I want to know is this," Herbert burst 
out; "if a fellow eats lots of sweets will he get a 
sweetheart?" 



ONE Freshman thinks the San 
Jose scale is for reading the 
specific gravity of a liquid. 




lir ANTED:— 

* * Girls to sew buttons on the 
fourth floor. 



Exercising Women's Right 



IT PAYS TO TELL THE TRUTH 

IT was Miss Dimtha Foote-Lites' birthday 
and the gifts from her admirers were coming 
in by the score. The last to arrive was a casket 
from Tiffany's. 

With eager fingers she opened it and found 
a small pearl necklace, evidently of great value. 
With it was a note from her wealthiest suitor: 

"Dear Dimmy: I am sending you this little 
token of my love: I hope you will think of me 
when you wear it. You will note that there are 
twenty-two pearls in it — one for each year since 
you were born — " 

She sank into a chair, her face convulsed with 
grief. "Oh," she wailed, "If I had only told him 
my real age!" 



IT IS MORE BLESSED TO GIVE 

CHARITY: "Will you donate something to 
the Old Ladies' Home?" 
Generosity: "With pleasure. Help yourself 
to my mother-in-law." 



'HE Congressional Record is a book in which 
they keep all the jokes sprung in Congress." 



FATHER: That young man of Eleanor's is 
simply irrepressible; he absolutely won't 
be sat upon. 

Little sister: Oh yes he will. You ask Eleanor. 



THE SQUIB 



THAT'S so 

THERE'S the point," said the dumbell as he sat on the thumbtack. 
"That's the ticket," said the conductor as he handed out the transfer. 

"That's the okl going," said the football fan as the inmates of the old ladies' home went for 
an auto ride. 

"I'm out for the bacon," said the syrup^as it slithered[^off the pancakes. 

"This takes the cheese," said the mouse as he walked into the pantry. 

"I've got it soft," said the brick as it landed on the caterpillar. 

"Go to it," said the minister as he described Hell to the Atheist. 

"It strikes m^ cold," said the Frosh as he ate his ice creaii. 

"That's getting down to earth," said the aviator as he landed in the cabbage field. 

"That's juicy," said the waiter as the grapefruit spattered in his eye. 

"Atta boy," said the nurse as she confronted the waiting father. 

"How come.^" said the captain as he regarded the stowaway. 

"What kept you?" said the stude as he ate a cold-storage egg. 

"How sweet," said the bear as he raided the bee hive. 

"See you later," said the clothes as they left the line. 

"How touching," said the father as he sent his son a check. 

"Going up," said the miner as the dynamite exploded. 

"That makes me sore," said the Frosh as he got his paddling. 

"Ye Gods," said the tourist as he entered the Greek temple. 

"Coming down," said the man as he slipped on a banana peel. 

"I'll stick to the finish," said the fly as he landed on the Tanglefoot. 

"That's the end of me," said the farmer as the mule kicked him. 

"That's the stuff," said the upholsterer as he repaired the divan. 

'That's tough," said the co-ed as she tried to cut her meat. 

"That's one block of ivory on anoth=^r," said the co-ed ao she soaped her room-mate's head. 



CXCHAHCl 



f'>j} 






f 



^'fo. 



Tom: "Mable, to show you that I love you 
I'll give up wild women and liquor if you'll give 
up cigarettes. 

Mable (modern young woman): Tom, you're 
on!" 

Near midnight. 

Mable (getting nervous): I can't stand it. 
For the love of Mike go back to your wild women 
and give me a cigarette. " 

Whirlwind 

S 

THE RAH RAH BOY 

(Varietatis Collegiatis) 

Four-button suit 

And black brogue shoes; 
A constant thirst 

For girls and booze. 
Hat on his nose, 

No cuffs on pants; 
All he can do 

Is pet and dance. 

Pipe in his mouth, 

Slouch in his walk; 
No brains at all — 

Just talk — talk — talk. 

Pin-covered vest 

Face full of gum; 
He may look good — 

But gosh, he's dumb. ! 

Sun Dodger 

S 

THRIFT 

A Scotchman woke up one morning to find 
that in the night his wife had passed away. He 
leaped from his bed and ran horror-stricken into 
the hall. 

"Mary," he called down stairs to the general 
servant in the kitchen, "come to the foot of the 
the stairs, quick." 

"Yes, yes," she cried, "What is it? What is it?" 

"Boil only one egg for breakfast this morning" 
he said. 

Bison 



"I bought a car yesterday." 

"What kind is it?" 

"It's an 'Ash'." 

"You mean a 'Nash' don't you^" 

"No; Ash — second-hand 'Cole'." 

Flamingo 
S 
"Are you there?" 
"Who are you, please?" 
"Watt." 

"What's your name?" 
"Watt's my name" 
"Yeh, what's your name?" 
"My name is John Watt." 
"John what?" 
"Yes." 

"I'll be around to see you this afternoon." 
"All right. Are you Jones?" 
"No. I'm Knott." 
"Will you tell me your name then?" 
"W^ill Knott." 
"Why not?" 
"My name is Knott." 
"Not what?" 

Brrr, clank, crash, stars, et cetera and so forth. 

Flamingo 



I used to work in Chicago — 

I used to, but no more. 
I used to work ''n Chicago 

In a hosiery store. 
A lady asked for some garters 

I asked her what kind she wore: 
"Rubber", she said. Rubber I did, 

I did — but not anymore. 

Bison 



Frosh: "What is the theory of the trans- 
mission of acquired characteristics?" 

Soph: "You'll study that in economics, — 
that's a course in how to git rid of counterfeit 
money." 

Sun Dodger 



UNITED STATES HOTEL 

Lincoln, Beach and Kingston St., Boston, Mass. 

BOSTON HEADQUARTERS FOR M. A. C. 



Rooms with hot and cold running water, $2.00 up 
Rooms with bath - - - - 3.00 up 

Club Breakfast, 30c to $1 .30 (1 5 combinations) 
Daily and Sunday Luncheon, 75c and $1 .00 
Daily and Sunday Dinner, $1 .25 

NEAR BOSTON'S BEST GARAGES 



James G. Hickey, Manager 



Alex's Lunch Room 

Formerly of the Candy Kitchen 

OVER BOLLES' SHOE STORE 

Special Noon-Day Dinners at 50c— Food and 
service of Highest Quality. 

The Best Coffee in Town— Buys a $5.50 Meal 
for $5.00. 

Hours, 7 a. m. to 1.00 a. m. 

SUNDAY FEEDS A SPECIALTY 

The place that made good over night — "Come up and bring 

your friends" 



— UU Dll Dfl- 



"This town is going to the dogs!" shouted the 
reformer as he struck an attitude. "I trust 
there are those here who will bear me out on that?" 
he sarcastically added. 

"There are," responded six husky citizens as 
they grabbed him and made for the town pump. 

Virginia Reel 



THEY DON'T MIX 

"Harold, last Wednesday you said I meant all 
the world to you." 

"Of course, sweetie." 

"Well, then, I'm insulted. Our minister said 
this morning that the world is straight on the 
road to hell.". 

Sun Dodger 



The new maid called her mistress agitatedly. 
"I jes' wants you all t' know," she said, pointing 
to a statuette of Venus, "befo' I stahrts hyar, 
I didn't knock de arms off'n dis hyar monument. 
Hit was dat-away when I come in!" 

Froth 



F^O B E B^T B O IT L E S 




^ J R^ 



J> U JVC -P 



The "PRACTICAL!' Alchemist and 
''THEORETICAL:' Robert Boyle 




)HE alchemists wrote 
vaguely of "fluids" and 
"principles." Copper 
was potentially silver. 
Rid it of its red color and the 
"principle" of silver would assert 
itself, so that silver would remain. 
With a certain amount of philos- 
opher's stone (itself a mysterious 
"principle") a base metal could be 
converted into a quantity of gold 
a million times as great. 

This all sounded so "practical** 
that Kings listened credulously, 
but the only tangible result was 
that they were enriched with much 
bogus gold. 

Scientific theorists like Robert 
Boyle ( 1 627-169 1 ) proved more 
"practical" by testing matter, dis- 
covering its composition and then 
drawing scientific conclusions that 
could thereafter be usefully and 
honestly applied. Alchemists con- 
jectured anddied ; he experimented 
and lived. 

Using the air pump Boyle un- 
dertook a "theoretical" but sci- 



entific experimental study of the 
atmosphere and discovered that 
it had a "spring" in it, or in other 
words that it could expand. He 
also established the connection 
between the boiling point of water 
and atmospheric pressure, a very 
"theoretical" discovery in his day 
but one which every steam engi- 
neer now applies. 

He was the first to use the term 
"analysis" in the modern chem- 
ical sense, the first to define an 
element as a body which cannot 
be subdivided and from which 
compounds can be reconstituted. 

Boyle's work has not ended. 
Today in the Research Labora- 
tories of the General Electric 
Company it is being continued. 
Much light has there been shed 
on the chemical reactions that 
occur in a vessel in which a nearly 
perfect vacuum has been produced. 
One practical result of this work 
is the vacuum tube which plays an 
essential part in radio work and 
roentgenology. 



General^Elecftric 

q^nera Office COmpanV Schcnect,dy,N.Y. 



95- 



■6- 




BOOST 

THE 

SQUIB 



II II H im— 



— nu iiu iiii— 





NVJMDElFIj 



Winchester Sporting 

and 

Athletic Goods 

1 Hardware, Plumbing 

and 
Heating 

Mutual Plumbing and 
Heating Co. 


Eve said to Adam, "Dear, which shall I wear to 
the party tonight, my maple leaf or my fig leaf.^" 

Adam said, "You'd better wear your poison ivy; 
it's going to be a rough party." 

Who Doo 


Flapper: "I don't see whj^ they couldn't change 
the style without making the skirts longer." 

Philosopher: "My dear, when one changes one's 
clothes one always lowers the shades." 

Harvard Lampoon 


PLOWING? 

Helen — "You look as if you'd had a harrowing 
experience?" 

Gertrude — "Yes, Jack's been over trying to cul- 
tivate my affection." 

Boll Weevil 


Her Father — "Alice, what do you weigh?" 
Alice — "I weigh 115 stripped for gym." 
Father— "Jim who?" 

Yellow Jacket 


MOONLIGHT RAPTURE 

Ah Love, yon warm gold moon, 

Doth know the song that I now sing. 

His smiling beams, in nights of Spring 
Hath woven love's festoon. 

His rounded face knows Spring's delay 

And calls it from the South, 
(But move your head a bit, I pray. 

Your hair gets in my mouth.) 

Juggler 


Amherst Book Store 

Ihe New "John Hancock" 
t ountain Pen with ink 
cartridge $5.00 

Your name put on free with 
every pen 

Pennants, Banners and Pillow 
1 ops for sale here 

C. F. DYER 


You Will Take Pride 

in ordering and riding in one of our cars. 
We are proud of our cars, both open and 
closed, and maintain them in spick and 
span condition. 

For the Best 

Phone Northampton 

•80- 

COLLEGE TAXI CO. 
Near Boyden's Northampton 



printing 

iEnliny 

SiinJting 

''The Kind Worth While'' 

Excelsior Printing Co. 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 


F. M. Thompson & Son 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx 

Spring Top Coats 

Spring Suits 

All the newest and most sought styles of 
Norfolks, Golf Suits and Sack Suits 

Priced from 
$25.00 to $45.00 

Buy your Spring Mallory Hat now 

F. M. Thompson k Son 

Clothes for Aggie Men 
for 1 hirty-five Years 


Public Sales 

We have purchased 122,000 pair U. S. Army Munson last 
shoes, sizes 5| to 12 which was the entire surplus stock of one 
of the largest U. S. Government shoe contractors. 

This shoe is guaranteed one hundred percent solid leather 
color dark tan, bellows tongue, dirt and waterproof. The 
actual value of this shoe is $5.00. Owing to this tremendous 
buy we can offer same to the public at S2.95. 

Send correct size. Pay postman on delivery or send money 
order. If shoes are not as represented, we will cheerfully 
refund, your money promptly on request. 

NATIONAL 
BAY STATE SHOE COMPANY 

296 Broadway, New York, N. Y. 


Father (at top of stairs) — "What are you two 
doing down there.''" 

Daughter — "We're going to play 'Sweet Kisses' 
on the victrola." 

Father — "Would you just as soon play it on the 
davenport.? I am afraid two would be pretty 
heavy for the victrola." 

Who Doo 


BLANK VERSE 

John asked Clara 

To take 

A walk with him 

And pick flowers. 

But Clara's brother ^ 

Came along \ 

And so 

They picked flowers. 

Boll Weevil 


Result of Hammock Falling on Piazza: 

1st — A sickening thud. 

2nd — A suppressed "damn." 

3rd — A giggle. 

The Beanpot 



Around The Corner 

Right here in Amherst — Aggie men are finding 
the same exclusive Clothing and Haberdashery so 
seldom found outside of Boston and New York. 

Ask the man who knows. 

Our Spring four piece conservative sport suits 
have received unanimous approval, and, as for 
neckwear, our reputation is supreme. 



SOUTHWICK BROS. & GAULT 



NO SIRREE 

Oh Jimmy was a Sophomore 

A dashing Soph was he. 
And Doris was a Freshman 

As guileless as could be. 

He took young Doris riding, 

Along green country lanes; 
The horse he stopped in lazy haste. 

And Jimmy dropped the reins. 

"Oh Doris," quoth young Jimmy, 

"I've a thing to ask you here. 
Oh, prithee tell me truly 

Were you ever naughty, dear.?" 

She blushed, she sighed, she stammered, 
"Just once," she said in shame. 

"And what did you do naughty 
To tarnish your good name.''" 

She blushed some more and wiggled. 

And then she looked aside, 
"Well, once I sewed on Sunday." 

"Giddap!" poor Jimmy cried. 

The Beanpot 



— nu^^— nn«^^niiM hu iOm— 



Alex's Lunch Room 

Formerly of the Candy Kitchen 

OVER BOLLES' SHOE STORE 

Special Noon-Day Dinners at 50c — Food and 
Service of Highest Quality. 

The Best Coffee in Town 

Buy a 15.50 Meal Ticket for $5.00. 
Hours, 7 a. m. to 1.00 a. m. 

SUNDAY FEEDS A SPECIALTY 



The place that made good over night — "Come up and bring 

your friends" 



— "" "" " u D 



3artmarh 

" Jn tl|p Bering a young man's fanrg 
Itglitlg turna to tljongljtB of Ioup/' 

®l|pn a^ippar tljp limpmorn rl|ympB 

of diunp ani moon, or Bpoon, an^ JJon^; 

Jn tljp springtimp mm anb matbpUB, 
tmo bjj tmn, ixkt Noalj*a arfe, 

iian^Fr, mljtB^jprtng soft uxih Bmcetly, 
tl^ru tlye faintly pprfumeJi ^ark. 

Slip ground xb Boft. bo arc tljptr ptiraa^B. 
but liarknEBfi oetla tl|p matlipn'B bluBtj. 

3n tljr Bpnngttmp pattrB of lourra 
ptipr malk on, talk on, ^IubI|! 



Slush Number 



April, 1923 



^IDDDDDDnai 
jDODDDDI 



LSPI 



Rid; 
soar 
laai 






ODD. 

naDDati 

DDDDQDC 
DO DO ODD. "\\ 

DDfaoaaDD Vjv 

DDDDDDDD 
DDDaODD 

Doaaaaa. 

DDDDnDDa 

DDDDQaDD 

DDOaDDD 

aanaaaa 

D 

<a D □ □ □ a DS^^^Sc 

n III! II I ''iiTiiiMi 

r 
'a' 

D 

oar 

OD 

aar 

DDT 

^„ _ o 

QDDP-. 
Mr 



IDQDI 



^f 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



Managing Editor 

R. NOYES, '24 
Literary Editor 

F. BRUNNER, '24 
Exchange Editor 

W. F. PRATT, '24 
Literary Department 

S. F. HARRIS, '26 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 



Editor-in-Chief 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, 24 
Advertising Manager 

W. G. RHODES, '24 
Circulation Manager 

G. W. HANSCOMB, 25 

Art Editor 

H. E. ERASER, '26 



Business Manager 

L. HALE, '25 
Assistant Business Manager 

Business Department 
V. PIERCE, '25 
B. NEEDHAM, '26 
H. LINDSCOG, '26 
H. RICHARDSON, '26 



^% 



-?*- 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College in 
the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed to 
the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $1.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 

SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager. Those not receiving 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



"I'm through with petting parties," said the 
feline as she jumped from her mistress's lap. 



The only difference is, that when you "name your 
poison" nowadays, you get just that. 



THE SQUIB 



1 BOUGHT my girl a great big enormous over- 
size dinner, and she ate it all, and then — and 
then—" 

"Yes, yes, go on!" 

"And then she said that she was fed up with me." 



SLUSH 

"¥ WANDERED lonely as a cloud." 

My thoughts were fair. 
All ought to please. 
But, ah, such rapture could not be — 
The slush splashed to my knees. 

I took my girl out for a walk. 

She's wondrous fair. 

All ought to please. 

But, ah, my love she could not be — 



There's slush — or paint — on lips like these. 



All firm land, All firm men. 

And no mud, And no slush, 

Would make the earth Would save the paint 
A mighty dry place. From many a face. 




■WoNDE-co Why 



I 



N spite of the High Cost of Living 
These boys will keep getting — married. 



F^ORINE: "Why were you so angry with Jack 
'^ at the dance last night .f*" 

Corine: "Well, I said I was barely able to come, 
and—" 

Dorine: "And what.^" 

Corine: "And he said, 'Yes, so I see.' " 



WOULDN'T YOU.? 

¥ SHOULD like to be a mariner, 
*• For then no slush for me; 
I'd simply sail and sail, away 
Over a mudless sea; 

I'd sail to the land of wish-I-could, 
To the land where hopes are real. 



'/^AN you beat that," said the cook as she picked I'd sail away from this slushy world, 
^^ up the aged egg. If ^ boat I could beg or steal. 



THE SQUIB 



Somewhere in M. A. C, 

Sometime in '23. 



Dear Dorothy: 



I should hke to take you for a walk. I want to 
hear the crisp snow crunching underfoot, and see 
the long shadows go streaking across the white 
surface as the full moon rises above the pine trees. 
I want to have you by my side, your hand in mine 
and the murmur of your voice in my ear. I want 
to feel the clean rush of the icy winter gale as we 
brave the windy heights together. Yes, dear 
Dorothy, I should like to take you for a walk, but 
you look like hell when your hair is mussed up and 
your nose is red, — and I can't hear anything any- 
way when your teeth chatter — so I'm not going to. 



Yours truthfully, 



Jim . 



S 



JUST A THOUGHT 

\X7HEN the bud is on the elm tree, 

And the sap is in the pail, 
When the cock's first lusty crowing 

Breaks no more grim Winter's gale 
When the melancholy student 

Sadly scans his needful books. 
When robins, jays, and bluebirds fly 

Where before were only rooks; 
Oh, 'tis then the slush is coming, 

Coming in with ev'ry breeze. 
When the sap is in the maple. 

And the buds are on the trees. 



r\ARLING, if you cannot love me, at least let 



us part friends." 
"All right. Whose .^" 



HE wants her. She is speedy, brilliantly enam- 
eled, and a bit spectacular, but he knows she 
won't be that way long after she is his. And oh, 
boy! but her long clean lines are wonderful. He 
puts his hand on her side and feels her quiver under 
his touch. She is expensive, and it will cost a lot 
to keep Ler up, but it will be well worth it to have 
all the fellows envying him when he takes her out. 
And she's fast! — all the speed there is and then 
some. He takes out his check book, writes a check, 
and they go off together, the man and his new 
Rolls-Royce. 



I 



F 'oo luve me, thay tho; if 'oo luve me and don't 
want to thay tho, thweeze my 'ittle finger. 



'\X7HAT'S Jack's line when he calls you up.?" 



"Telephoney. 



MARRIED man is seldom successful in the 
game of love, for even if he makes a hit, he 
has to reckon with his Mrs. 



THE SQUIB 



^ 




LDITORIAL5 



5PRING, as Chaucer so aptly remarked, has a-cumed in. The spelHng is Mr. Chaucer's own. The 
Enghsh department would flunk us if we tried anything of the sort, but that is incidental. Spring 
has come. The girls in the cold cream ads have stopped explaining how Catchup Cream keeps 
their faces smooth and girlish all winter, and rapturously exclaim over its balmy soothing effect on 
sunburn. Knitted ones no longer pose with one foot gingerly parked on the edge of a chair — in 
their places are summer weights with wide grins and daily dozen attitudes. The long Easter vacation is 
over, and the much longer grind is merrily grinding away. Fuzzy vests are out, new suits are on and in. 
And neckties! Some of them we don't fall for, but as another poet didn't say, "Why fall when you can 
spring.^*" And above all — or do you prefer beneath all? — is slush. Nice springy slush. The trees are 
leaving (you say it — I won't!) the flowers are flowering as usual, the cuckoos are warbling in the tree tops, 
and other cuckoos are going over mountains, and across rivers, and up lanes, to the tune of "Love me, 
honey.^ — whose little girl are you dear.^ — did it love its sweetie.'^" etc., etc., etc., till the last car runs. 
To Spring then — the great fountain head of slush and sentiment — Squib most affectionately dedicates 
this number. 



THE Editors of our sublime yet hectic magazine want to make a few apologies to our readers and this 
seems to be our one and only opportunity. With this issue the old board of editors has passed out. 
Not that they are (or were) dead ones; they have merely ceased to be the power behind the throne 
and will soon be leaving for "wide world" via "Experience Express." The present board wishes 
to compliment them on their work well done and hopes that the new board will be as eflicient in 
provoking risibility as the old one has been. 

To turn to the matter at hand! We admit that, according to twentieth century ideas, this issue 
should be called "neck" instead of "slush," but we are departing from our usual custom. Instead of even 
attempting to be funny we are going to try and be pathetic. 
Here goes! Slush On. 




THE SQUIB 



'HE tiger crouches beside the pool, waiting to 
spring upon his prey, 

Tttt:^ 1 • . T 1 ■ £ 1 l^ut the antelope, scenting its deadly foe, gracefully 

titj laziest man 1 know is a farmer who goes . ° ^ ' & ^ 

nut ijltn Ill's fiplHs nnH tf>lls cnanriir ctnnVc tn F & J' 

The water from a springtime spring has many crys- 
tal charms — 

And in the spring, I suppose, he tells harrowing When even the grass is springing, dear, can't you 
sob-stories. spring into my arms? 



'HE laziest man I know is a farmer who goes 
out into his fields and tells snappy stories to 
shock the corn. 



HOW BOUT IT 



DEDICATED TO E. M. A. 

¥ DON'T mind the amateur golfer with his brassies 

and niblicks and links 
Or the amateur artist, he isn't so bad, tho he paints 

like a chorus girl thinks, 
I delight in the amateur actor with his voice that 

is timid and weak. 
But the one I detest is the movie-trained pest — 

the would-be wild amateur Sheik. 

For he's usually short, blonde and slender — or else 
he's an amateur man. 

He learned his technique in the movies, and flavors 
his speech with a "damn," 

He has a good line (memorized it, — subtitles from 

■ movies last week!) 

And if I had a gun, the world would lose one ridicu- 
lous amateur Sheik. 

When the Judgment Day gets Valentino, his crimes 

will mount up by the score, 
Just think of the thousands of shiny-haired Sheiks 

the man is responsible for! 
Black and blue spots by millions and billions, and 

kisses too many to speak, 
I don't wish him hard luck but I do hope they chuck 

into hell the original Sheik. 



A GIRL can sing, a girl can dance, 
A girl can play croquet. 
But she can't light a match on the seat of her 
pants, — 
Well — because she's not built that way. 



S 



SAY IT! 

IN the spring, a young man's fancy - 
You have often heard it said. 
In the spring his smothered feelings 
Turn his raptured, flighty head. 



In the spring the poets flood us 
With their silly, driv'ling stuff. 

Until we have to tell them, — 

"Quit it now! That's quite enough!" 



TRY AND 

BLACK was the night. 
He held her tight. 
Nor thought she'd say him nay- 

DO IT! 

"It's spring!" he cried, 
And she replied, 

"It is, so spring away." 



THE SQUIB 




SLUSH— As Was 



THE poet sang, long years ago, "Old Time is 
still a-flying," 
Wise Omar, centuries before — sang of desires half 

dying 
New kindled by the fires of spring: these two the 

secret tell; 
We love, O poet, while we can; we love, O Omar, 
well. 

Under the stars at night the lovers stand 
Or sit and watch the movies, hand in hand. 
Their elders, half regretful, sigh and say, 
"If only we were younger" — Ain't love grand. ^ 
We walk along the shadowed lane, we talk in terms 

endearing. 
When hearts are young and kisses sweet, old Time 
we're never fearing. 



'iVTTY: "I like Jane's new evening dress. What 

color do you call it.''" 
Kitty: "Earth brown." 
Catty: "Oh, I see. A yard at least." 



THE engaged couple were picking out their 
furniture. Finally they came across this ad: 
"Beds Built for Sleep." 

She: "John, dear, let's look at some of their other 
beds." 



A 



THUNDER of applause is seldom followed by 
a storm of criticism. 




As Is 



THE SQUIB 



"GO TO THE ADS, THOU SLUGGARD—" 



1. A DiSatZvANTAGE. 

The Paris Garter Man and the Woodbury Girl 
met one day in the pages of a popular magazine. 
She was blonde, slender, and delightful. You just 
knew she wore them. She had kept that school 
girl complexion, for she knew that when she saved 
the surface, she saved all. On the other hand, he 
was handsome, brave, and interesting. He was 
often described by his friends as being of "true 
mettle" and "sterling character," for he had nerves 
of steel, an iron will, and a brass nerve. They met, 
on page 32, beside a large pink baked ham what was. 
They met, his arms went out to her, she drew 
nearer and smiled invitingly — and that was all, 
for altho she was the Woodbury Girl with the skin 
you love to touch, he was the Paris Garter Man, and 
no metal could touch the skin. 

2. The 57 Varieties. 

Men? They're all alike. A slight difference in 
the phrasing of a compliment, the echo of a voice, 
or the warmth of a kiss, perhaps — but the differ- 
ence of one pickle in a bottle from another. A 
difference of detail but not of flavor. Take Jack 
for example. A spicy onion — crisp, juicy, and de- 
sirable — still an onion, and beyond that, a pickle. 
And then Tommy. He was like a bit of cauli- 
flower, sharp, savoury, elusively tangy, until you 
tried him, and found that he too was only a pickle. 
Or Bobby — Bobby of the snappy line and the lei- 
surely love. He might never have gone into the 
pickle jar if he hadn't called me "little girl" one 
night. Bobby is a mere bean, at the bottom, the 
briniest deepest bottom, of the bottle. Then there 
was Bill the cucumber. Lots and lots of Bills. 
The jar is full of them; cool, safe, sane and uninter- 
esting they are. To top the bottle is Harry, that 
peppy dangerously delightful bit of pimento. 
He isn't a pickle really but he isn't anything else, 
so I put him in to make the jar look pretty. It is 
nice to look at, isn't it.'' 



3. Interlude. 

Why a "fountain pen".^ Imagine to yourself, 
as our French book says, a park display of hand- 
carved marble fountain pens spouting busily and 
spreading a Stygian gloom over the landscape! 
Use Waterman's Fountain Pen — When it rains, 
it pours. 

4. "Taste the Taste." 

Several centuries ago Ben Jonson sent his lovely 
Celia a wreath, which the young lady promptly 
returned. Still, the poet was not unhappy, for 
about the wreath there hung a faint enchanting 
fragrance where her coral lips had touched it. A 
few months ago Ben Johnson sent his Celia a 
wreath, which she returned remarking that he 
couldn't say anything to her with those old leaves. 
Ben, however, read poetry. So he bent over the 
wreath, hoping his lady had touched it with her 
ruby lips. She had. It smelt of Coty's L'Origan, 
Pepsodent, Lifesavers, and Chesterfields. He was 
satisfied. 



5. As Djer-kiss would do it. 

Would Madame then have of the charm si 
frangais, so chic, so correct.^ Here lily a harmonies 
in colors, violet, blue, rose du ciel — everything with 
that which Madame wishes of correctness, of savoir 
faire. In these luxuries of the vrai Parisian art she 
has the essence of fashion, le dernier cri in the fine 
artistries. And for the Monsieur, we have models 
of a plainness tres good, but of an appropriateness 
and un finish that makes rest — le sommeil of eter- 
nity — a pleasure of the most haute. Order even 
today of us, filling out le coupon and stating length 
and le measure de chest. CARLETON'S COF- 
FINS—EVENTUALLY, WHY NOT NOW.'^ 



THE SQUIB 



7. 

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THE SQUIB 



A BIG EVENING 

(A semi-play, after Barrie and others.) 



Scene: The Abbey, on a quiet corner of the M. A. 
C. Campus. 

Time: From 7.30 on. 

A bell rings. After a long time a girl gets up 
from the sofa and lets in a yoang man. She 
parks him on the staircase and goes off to regions 
unknown. Her voice floats back: 

Voice: "Susie! Oh Su-u-u-usiel Your bird's 
here!" 

Another voice: "Oh Lord! All right, tell it 
I'm coming — " 

Fifteen minutes elapse, while nineteen girls go 
past the staircase and look interestedly at the young 
man, who shifts his feet and wishes to the merciful 
Heavens that he had gone to the movies. The 
girls talk: 

First girl: "Gosh, who belongs to that.^" 

Second nut: "You know — that's Susie's man — 
He's Grabba Hoe, I think, or else Lamb Pie — I 
don't like his nose, and where on earth did he get 
that tie!" 

The young man shifts two feet and perspires 
freely. Susie appears. 

Susie: "Oh, I hope I haven't kept you waiting." 

He: "Not at all, er — oh, not at ah." 

Susie: "Just a minute till I sign off — " 

She reappears after ten minutes with a fresh layer 
of calsomine and they depart. 



The curtain flickers twice, denoting a lapse o« 

two or three hours. They appear at the front door. 

Susie: "I'm sorry I can't ask you in, but it's 

almost ten and you know how it is. I've had a 

wonderful evening, and^ — " 

He: "Not at all, er — not at all, I'll call up some- 
time later in the week, and — " 

Silence. She smiles and wonders why the devil 
he doesn't take off. He smiles and wonders what 
the devil to say now. Then — 

Susie: Oh, I beg your pardon — no you 

go on — " 
together: I — I" 

He: What did you say.^ — I'm sorry, 

but — " 

More silence. 

Susie: "I think it's almost ten, well, awfully 
nice evening, do call me up again some time. Good- 
bye!" 

He : "Oh— er— uh— well, goodbye':' 

He goes down the walk. She leans against the 

door, exhaustedly. 

Susie, f j 

< very Jervently. \ "NEVER AGAIN!" 



He, 



J 



Castiron Curtain. 



THE SQUIB 



MORE SLUSH 

— and she's so wild, I just can't tame her (I don't 
want to, either) — . What do you suppose she said 
to me last night? Well, she said that she was so 
wild — 

She had a hot line, all right 

I just couldn't resist. 
And boy, how she could dance 

And talk; those eyes 
Would better fit some other 

Creature; their gleam is 
Deadly, — Kipling sure had 

The dope about females. 
The way she walked, the 

Things she did — how could 
Any loving mother's son 

Pass up a chance like 
That; and then the gosh-darned 

Moon had to bust in and 
Make bad matters worse. 

Well, I just leave it to you 
Whether I did the right thing 

or not — . 



HOW did you know that was Helen last night?" 
"By her lisp." 
"Are you sure that you have the "s" and "p" in 
their correct positions?" 




Dog Very Much Attached to Man 



WHERE ARE THE NAMES OF 
YESTERYEAR? 

T^HEY had a snappy system a hundred years ago. 

Naming their women for the virtues that they 

had; 
And so we read of Prudence, of Faith, and Charity, 
And Patience and Priscilla, who copped the Alden 

lad. 
Now maybe that same system would get by if up 

to date 
So here's a few suggested names that wouldn't 

go so bad. 

First there comes Voguetta, with her earrings to 
her knees, 
Volstead with a corkscrew in her hand, 
Exhilarance, Exuberance, Pepita and her gang — 
That's Henna, Gimme, Petter, and Bandana — 
all the damned 
But chemically attractive. I'll say that they're 
the bunk. 
I'll trade them all for Mary Jane who slings me 
my "ham and — " 



THE SQUIB 



HOOCH 

A smashing melodrama of Hope, Hate and Jim drops her on the floor, which she dents 

Happiness, featuring Glory Swansong, the least slightly, and slinks out of sight. Reginald catches 

dressed woman in the movies today. the girl to his manly breast, and as her great blue 

Released by the Ike Mosenberg Pictureplay eyes open and she sees him, they kiss. 

Corporation. 6. Jim looks in at the window and snarls, "Ha ha, 

Ike K. Mosenberg, President me proud beauty, vengeance will yet be mine." 

A Mosenberg Production 9. Iris in on a winter's night. Cabaretta appears 

Directed by I. K. Mosenberg staggering across the drifts and thru the storm, 

1. Main Title: "Thru the crashing roar of Life's holding her baby close under an old flannel shirt, 
tumult comes sometimes a small sweet note of Jim. steps up to her. 

happiness, and Lovers walking along the stormy 10. Spoken Title: "The woman always pays." 
shores find gentle peace in the great wide reaches He laughs coarsely and throws her a flask. She 

of the boundless Northwest." downs the contents in one gulp. Hope brightens 

2. Close-up of Glory Swansong as Cabarette De in her weary young face. She looks at the baby, 
Vere, the pure and beautiful singer in the .^.laskan kisses it, and throws it in the nearest garbage can. 
dance halls. She wears curls, pink chifi^on and holds 11. Comedy relief: the baby picks up a sardine 
a dove on her shoulder. She kisses the dove and and swallows it tail first. In so doing, it chokes 
flings it into the air. Fade out on Cabaretta smil- to death. 

ing wistfully. 12. A close-up of Reginald's cozy cabin. The 

3. Spoken Title: "Little gal, you shall yet be door opens and Cabaretta enters. 

mine." 13. Spoken Title: "Reggie, my own! All is for- 

Roaring Jim, the hairy and villainous miner, given and I am yours at last!" 

seizes Cabaretta in his arms and forces his unwel- 14. Iris out on the lovers standing on a mountain 

come attentions upon her. Half-fainting, she top. Spring sunshine and singing birds abound 

reels slightly. in the foreground. As the picture of youth and 

4. Spoken Title: "Gawd, but that was wild hooch." happiness slowly fades from the screen, Reggie's 
He bends over and is about to muss up her left foot slips and they plunge into a foaming glacier 

eyebrow when Reginald Murphy, of the R. N. W. miles below. 

M. P. — Q. E. D. — C. O. D. — appears in the door- 15. Last Title: "Thus the forces of love triumph 

way. over evil, and Innocence prevails in a kindly world." 

5. Spoken Title: "Unhand her or I shoot to 

kill." The End (thank goodness) 



THE SQUIB 




p.^'«"S,!-^ • 



COMPOUND (NTEREST 



ABSOLUTE FAIRY TALES 



Once upon a time there was: 

A girl who came out of the movies without stop- 
ping in front of a mirror to powder her nose. 

a man who used a long holder without pulling 
that one about "I'm getting away from cigarettes." 

a girl who had straight hair and no curling-irons. 

a girl who said "If you do, I'll never speak to you 
again," and when he didn't, she didn't. 

a man who never talked about himself, and what 
he thought of women anyway, and where he could 
get all the real old stuff he wanted "and none of 
this synthetic poison, either," and why he wasn't 
like most of the fellows. 

a bobbed-haired co-ed who passed a mirror 
without hauling out a pocket comb and digging in. 



a fat girl who never wore knickers and blonde 
wool stockings. 

a lecturer who said "I am sorry, but I have only 
a few minutes more," and then stopped within 
an hour. 

a man who didn't believe that if he cared to try 
he could knock that Valentino bird for a row of 
lavender onions in both his technique and his 
enthusiasm. 

a man who took a girl to the movies and let her 
hold her own hand and she went out with him again. 

a brute who called up his girl and said, "Are you 
doing anything tonight.'^" and when she said she 
wasn't, said, "Too bad, I hope you have a good 
book." 



THE SQUIB 



THE AGRICULTURAL FATHER GOOSE 



lACK Spratt flunked An. Hus. flat 
His wife found Physics mean. 
But when they learned to split the work 
They passed their courses clean. 

Hey diddle diddle, Fat and a riddle: 

How can I write a theme? 
My grammar and rhetoric ain't what they ought 

And words can't be spelled as they seem. 

Bye-bye, Baby Bunting, 

Daddy's gone a-hunting 
For to get a nice strong horse 

To get your Daddy thru his course. 

Fat a cake, pat a cake, Builder man, 

Make me a chem lab as quick as you can — 
Make it of vitreous atoms and paste, 
(CaO-l-H20) and time do not waste. 

Hickory dickory dock, the boy slept like a rock, 
Class thru at four, he slept no more, 
Hickorv dickorv dock. 



Feter, Peter, a Cake-eater, 

Had a girl and couldn't keep her, 
Brought her up to Prom, — a bone ! 

She'd cost a whole lot less at home. 

Mistress Mary, quite contrary, 

How does your Aggie Ec. go.^ 
With much to heed, and more to read. 

And zeros all in a row. 

Rockabye bab^', in the tree top. 

When Landscapers pruning come 
Baby will drop. 

Like an over-grown cocoon 
Baby will fall; 

And down will come baby, cradle and all. 

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn. 

The music is off key, the sound is forlorn — 

The dancers are saying the music is punk. 

So you come and show them that that is the bunk. 

Little Jack Horner was in a corner 

When they asked him the value of "pi," 

Looked at his cuff, made an awful bluff. 
Then said, "Oh my gosh, I got by!" 



THE SQUIB 



He criticised her puddings, found fault with her 

cakes, 
He wished she'd make such biscuits as his mother 

used to make. 
She didn't wash the dishes and she couldn't make 

a stew, 
She never mended stockings as his mother used to 

do. 1 

His mother had six children, but by night her work 

was done. 
His wife seemed drudging always, yet she only had 

th? one. 
His mother was always dressed, his wife would do 

so too 
If she would only manage as his mother used to do. 
Oh, well, she was not perfect though she tried to do 

her best. 
Until at length she thought 

the time had come to 

have a rest. 
So one day he went the 

same old rigamarole all 

through, . 

She turned and boxed his . 

ears as his mother used ' 

to do. ' 



MOVIES WE HAVEN'T SEEN 

The Fishing Line The Bootlegger's Return 

in three reels. in seven reels. 

A Broken Date Bringing Home the Bacon 

in two parts. in five parts. 

S 

TRY THIS ONE AGAIN; IT REALLY IS 

FUNNY 
TPHE bark of the dog-wood tree, many a tramp. 



T 



L_J 



What is so rare as a slush- 
less Spring, 
As an April day with no 

mud; 
With no mud to hinder 

the step. 

The step that strolls the meadow green, 
The meadow, green with Springtime's sheen; 
Springtime's sheen, the year's new birth, 
New birth of trees, of birds, of flowers; 
Of flowers gay, and new leaves green; 
Leaves green; sap running in the boughs. 
The boughs, so soon to bear starred jewels, 
Starred jewels of fragrant blossoms sweet : 
Blossoms sweet, of apple and peach; 
And peaches later, and apples, too. 
Too, too early all will disappear, 
Disappear with the growing year; 
Year of pleasure and gay delight. 
Delight and mirth and joy untold: 
Untold, too, the slush of today; 
Today — the Spring is here. 




HAT fellow must have a clean mind. 

How come? 
He changes it so often. 



pASSENGER, watching 

■^ stoker heave coal into 

fire-box: "What'cha doin'.?" 

\ Stoker: "I'm trying to 

\ raise the temperature." 

\ Passenger: "Is it heavy.''" 

\ 



\\T^ work to earn our 



dailv loaf. 



BOOT— "There's no kick 
in this." 
Legger — "Then you've no 
kick coming." 



Two Subjects Ready for the Press 



LOTTA Laner Kront says as how ef March 
comes in like a lion an' goes out like a lamb, 
the lamb is the fiercer beast as is. 



SHE'S a picture." 
"Yes; painted." 



When you have filled the blank sheet in the 
Gals' Own Number you might hand it in. 




KEEPS EM PRETTY BUSY 

Reformer: "Furthermore, ladies and gentlemen, 
look at the facts. I tell you the country is going to 
the dogs. Ninety-nine per cent of the people in 
the United States liquor crazy! Chasing booze 
from morning until night! It's terrible!!" 

Bootlegger (standing up) : "I'll say it is, mister. 
What 're we poor fellows going to do.^ Ninety- 
nine per cent of the people chasing booze and only 
one per cent of us to sell it to 'em!" 

Sun Dodger 



1 : "I hear Mac was quite carried away by the 
excitement of the dance last night." 

2: "No, it was with excitement but by his 
roommates." 

Lord Jeff 



THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME 

"So you've come home, have you.^" queried 
Blank's wife, when he strolled in at three in the 
morning. 

"Yes, dear, glad to see you," admitted Blank. 
"I had an idea I might run across you here." 

Sun Dodger 



Willie (aged 10): "He's the worst boy I know." 
His Fond Mother: "Willie dear, you forget 
yourself!" 

Lord Jeff 
S 

"How far can your ancestors be traced.^" 
"My grandfather was traced to Australia, but 
he was never caught." 

Virginia Reel 
S 

Housskesper — "I asked you to S3nd me a young 
chicken." 

Butcher — "Well, didn't you get a young one.^" 
Housekeeper — "Young.^ Say, it was old enough 
to dress itself." 

Juggler 
S 

"Do Frenchmen know our slang.''" 

"Some do, I suppose." 

"Well, my daughter is to be married in Paris and 
my future son-in-law, the count, has cabled me to 
come across." 

The Phoenix 



QUICK WORK 

Big Negro — "Look here. Sambo, what would you 
do if you wuz to git a letter from dat Ku Klux 
Klan.?" 

Little Negro — "Boy, I'd read dat note on de 
train." 

Boll Weevil 

S 

"At times," said the girl, "you seem to be manly 
enough, and then at other times you're absurdly 
effeminate. Why on earth is it.^" 

"Er-ah-heredity," he answered. 

"Heredity.?" 

"Yes. You see half my ancestors were men and 
the other half women." 

Froth 



I LIKE EM 

These men are very simple folk, 

I like 'em I 
They take me out until they're broke 

Hike 'em! 
I like 'em naughty, tall and lean 
And fat and short and good and green. 
And many other kinds I've seen. 

They take me to a formal hop 

I like 'em! 
They take me to a candy shop 

I like 'em! 
But when they show me they don't care 
And hug me roughly like a bear, 
And crack my ribs and muss my hair, 

I LOVE 'em! 

Who Doo 



THE BLUSHING BRIDE 

They tell us of the blushing bride 

Who to the altar goes 
Down the center of the church 

Between the friend filled rows.f 
There's Billy whom she motored with 

And Bob with whom she swam 
There's Jack — she used to golf with him 

And Steve who called her lamb. 
There's Ted the football man she owned 

And Don of tennis days 
There's Herbert, yes, and blonde Eugene 
And there is Harry, high school beau 

With whom she used to mush. 
No wonder she's a blushing bride 

Ye Gods — she ought to blush. 

Yelloiv Jacket 



I've just been thinking 

What happened 

Last night 

As I tightly held you 

In my arms 

And our lips met 

Met and met and met* 

And you said that 

You had never done 

A thing like that before 

And of course 

I believed you 

But I can't help 

Wondering from which one 

Of your ancestors 

You inherited such an 

Awful lot of experience. 



Who Doo 



LUCKir 
STRIKE 

.CIGARETTE. 



This one 
extra 

process 

rfives a 
delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 



UNITED STATES HOTEL 

Lincoln, Beach and Kingston Sts., Boston, Mass. 

BOSTON HEADQUARTERS FOR M. A. C. 



Rooms with hot and cold running water, $2.00 up 
Rooms with bath - - - - 3.00 up 

Club Breakfast, 30c to $1 .30 (I 5 combinations) 
Daily and Sunday Luncheon, 75c and $1 .00 
Daily and Sunday Dinner, $1 .25 

NEAR BOSTON'S BEST GARAGES 



James G. Hickey, Manager 



Teacher (in kindergarten) — "What is it around 
the house that your daddy always pets, and she 
has a new fur coat every winter? 

Little Tot— "Our maid." 

YelloxD Jacket 



He (disgusted) — "The more I kiss your lips, the 
less kick I get out of it!" 
She — "Here, try my foot!" 

Yellow Jacket 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 

THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball and Basinet- 
ball Team": 

Also to — 

Class Banquets, of which we have made 
such a Great Success — Come Again. 

WM. M. KIMBALL, Prop. 



Father slowly — "Well, do you think you can 
give my daughter what she's been used to.''" 

Impetuous young man — "Sure, we smoke the 
same kind of cigarettes." 

The Juggler 



Flapper — "I voted six times at the last election." 
Jelly — "How did you manage it?" 
Flapper — "Changed my hose every time." 

Fire 



MITCHELL BELKIN 

PHOTOGRAPH ER 

241 Main Street, Northampton 

Phone 1753 

Official Photographer to 
Smith Seniors 1922-23 

**Aggie" Index 1922 

SPECIAL RATES TO STUDENTS 



CS : 

<^ VOLTA EXPLAINING HIS 

<% 




BATTER.Y TO J^APOLEOJ^ <^ 
i> 



Yiow Electrical 
Engineering began 




T IS not enough to ex- 
periment and to observe 
in scientific research. 
There must also be in- 
terpretation. Take the cases of 
Galvani and Volta. 

One day in 1 786 Galvani touched 
with his metal instruments the 
nerves of a frog's amputated hind 
legs. The legs twitched in a 
very life-like way. Even when the 
frog*s legs were hung from an iron 
railing by copper hooks, the phe- 
nomenon persisted. Galvani 
knew that he was dealing with 
electricity but concluded that the 
frog*s legs had in some way gen- 
erated the current. 

Then came Volta, a contempo- 
rary, who jaid in effect: "Your in- 
terpretation is wrong. Two differ- 
ent metals in contact with a moist 
nerve set up currents of electricity. 
I will prove it without the aid of 
frog*s legs." 

Volta piled disks of different 
metals one on top of another and 



separated the disks with moist 
pieces of cloth. Thus he gene- 
rated a steady current. This was 
the " Voltaic pile" — the first bat- 
tery, the first generator of 
electricity. 

Both Galvani and Volta were 
careful experimenters, but Volta*s 
correct interpretation of eflfects 
gave us electrical engineering. 

Napoleon was the outstanding 
figure in the days of Galvani and 
Volta. He too possessed an active 
interest in science but only as an 
aid to Napoleon.He little imagined 
on examiningVoIta's crude battery 
that its effect on later civilization 
would be fully as profound as that 
of his own dynamic personality. 

The eflfects of the work of Gal- 
vani and Volta may be traced 
through a hundred years of elec- 
trical development even to the 
latest discoveries made in the Re- 
search Laboratories of the Gen- 
eral Electric Company. 



General^ElecTfcric 



general Office COHlpEHV Schenectady, M.Y, 



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Hardware, Plumbing 

and 

Heating 




Mutual Plumbing and 
Heating Co. 



"Seen Petroleum?" 

"Nope! She hasn't benzine since Kerosene 
lit her up last night with a perfect match." 

Dodo 



Flo was f oiid of Ebenezer, 
Eb was strong he could squeeze her. 
Talk of tide of love, Julius Caesar, 
You should see 'em, Eb and Flo. 

Bison 



26: Why don't they make the girls take Phys- 
ical Training? There wouldn't be any cutting 
then." 

25: "No, but the gym would be torn up in 
the rush for the showers." 

T'oo Doo 



THE FRESHMAN CYNIC 

The Sophomore Hop has came and went, 
Our girl has left, our money's spent; 
As back to work we wend our way 
We ponder, — does the woman pay? 

Froth 



Veterinary (to his son) : "What do you mean by 
telling Miss Helen that her calves were well 
shaped?" 

Son (irritated): "But, father, I was only judg- 
ing her livestock." 

Veterinary (angrily) : "You certainly are an im- 
pudent young jackass." 

Son (sorrowfully): "Well, you are my father." 

Fire 



"The breaks are against us," said the back 
wheels as the car slid down the hill. 

Froth 



"Ma, can I go out to play?" 
"What, Willie! With those holes in your 
trousers?" 

"Naw, with the kids across the street." 

The Phoenix 



There was a young lady named Banker 
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 
She awoke in dismay 
When she heard the mate say, 
"Now lift up the top sheet and spanker." 

Sun Dodger 



'. M. Thompson & Son 



Hart, Schaffner & Marx 

Spring Top Coats 

Spring Suits 

All the newest and most sought styles of 
Norfolks, Golf Suits and- Sack Suits 

Priced from 
$25.00 to $45.00 

Buy your Spring Mallory Hat now 



F. M. Thompson & Son 

Clothes for Aggie Men 
for Thirty-five Years 



Printing 



Anting 



i!iint^ing 



cc 



The Kind Worth While ' ' 




Excelsior Printing Co. 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 



"Class," said the new teacher, "I want you all 
to be as quiet as you can be, so quiet that you can 
liear a pin drop." 

Silence was golden. 

Small bass voice in rear of room: "Let 'er drop." 

Chaparral 



Frof. (in mechanics): "What is a couple? 
Student: "Two equal parallel forces acting in 
the same direction." 

Frof.: "But if they act in opposite directions?" 
Student: "That's a divorce case." 

Froth 



SCEXTSITI»E 

Wife: "I was bighh^ incensed by the actions of 

that bold girl you were dancing with last evening!" 

Hubby: "Well, I was highly perfumed myself." 

Pelican 



Mary: "You know, Alice, T am always losing 
my jewelry." 

Alice: "Kitten, you are just like I am. Every 
time I take a bath, I leave a ring in the tub." 

Bison 



THE STORK CEIL 

Jimmie: "We've got a new baby down at our 
house." 

Elderly Neighbor: "How nice — and did the 
stork bring it?" 

Jimmie: "Naw, it developed from a unicellular 
amoeba." 

Pelican 



She: "See what I have here! Eddie's necktie." 
He: "Good Heavens, what grammar! Necked 



me! 



Chaparral 



— SSH/— 

M: "Poor old Harry is all shot." 

A: "Whassa matter, did his woman pass him 
up?" 

Y: "Yeh — cause he pulled a real faux pas. 
You see he heard her remark that she had pur- 
chased the latest thing in gowns." 

B: "Yeh—" 

E : "Yeh, and he said he hoped he'd see her in 
it soon. Foor fish — he's canned now, she meant 
a night gown." 

Beanpot 



Public Sales 

We have purchased 122,000 pair U. S. Army Munson last 
shoes, sizes 5| to 12 which was the entire surplus stock of one 
of the largest U. S. Government shoe contractors. 

This shoe is guaranteed one hundred percent solid leather 
color dark tan, bellows tongue, dirt and waterproof. The 
actual value of this shoe is $5.00. Owing to this tremendous 
buy we can offer same to the public at S2.95 

Send correct size. Pay postman on delivery or send money 
order. If shoes are not as represented, we will cheerfully 
refund, your money promptly on request. 

NATIONAL 
BAY STATE SHOE COMPANY 



296 Broadway, 



New York, N. Y. 



Amherst Book Store 



The New "John Hancock" 

Fountain Pen with ink 

cartridge $5.00 

Your name put on free with 
every pen 

Pennants, Banners and Pillow 
Tops for sale here 



C. F. DYER 



IN MOSQUITO LAND 

Mosquito: "This is going to be a dull spring for 



us. 



Another one: "What's wrong?" 
Mosquito: "These long dresses the humans are 
wearing now are decreasing oar trade territory." 

Sour Old 



Willie: "Aw, you're afraid to fight." 
Johnnie: "No, I'm not; but if I fight my mother 
will find out and whip me." 
"How'll she find out?" 

"She'll see the doctor going to your house." 

The Phoenix 



Head Nurse: "Rub him well with glycerine 
every two hours in the daytime." 

Foot Nurse: "What shall I use at night, nitro- 
glycerine?" 

Froth 



Most college theatrical critics all agree that 
Geraldine is Farrar, but insist that Theda is Bara. 

Fire 



Wife (to noise in the dark): "Is that you, 
John?" 

Husband: "Of course. Who else do you ex- 
pect at this time of night?" 

Boll Weevil 



TICK-TICK 

First Dumbell: "You have a nice watch there." 
Second D. B.: "Y>s, I just got it for Xmas." 
First D. B.: "Will it tell time?" 
Second D. B.: "No, you poor yap, you haf 'ta 
look for it." 

Bison 



"Following my greatest talents," said Steve, 
"I have a natural bent for sitting down." 

Chaparral 



"I called a doctor last night." 

"Anybody sick?" 

"He was, when he saw mv hand, four aces and 



a king." 



Chaparral 



Alex's Lunch Room 

Formerly of the Candy Kitchen 

OVER BOLLES' SHOE STORE 

Special Noon-Day Dinners at 50c— Food and 
Service of Highest Quality. 

The Best Coffee in Town 

Buy a $5.50 Meal Ticket for $5.00. . 
Hours, 7 a. m. to 1.00 a. m. 

SUNDAY FEEDS A SPECIALTY 



The place that made good over night — "Come up and bring 

your friends" 



—nil Mil nu— 



iFU it IB n^ar (EcmmpurpmFnt ttmp, (lfil|trl| rpallij ta tljc mh), 

iifie knntu it ta trup tl)e tPtm ia almaat ti|rn«glj, 
tl|nt cummenrp to park our truuka, rommrtirr to takr pxama, 
(Hommrnrr to tljink of all ttjp tliinga lur axuorc tl^ia par to io. 
Alao rommenrp to aort anh arrap tl)r \ntik tl^e ijrar l|aa brougl|t, 
(Jil|erf bib J gpt tl|xa akg-bto plaatrr rat?-) 

iCtkrmtap rommcnrr to pay our billa. atib aril our baoka; rommmre 
®o tlyink of briug urxt grar upprr-rlaaamrn aub all tl|at. 

i?ut moat of all rommeurr to tljink tljat aoou tljp ^raiora IrauB ua. 
(Eommeure to kuoui l|oui murlj mr'll rrallg miaa tl|pm, you aub J- 

(Hl^at'a xul|i| it*a rallrb (Eommrurmeut timr, for uilieu it romca rommrurra 
Olljr timr iiil|ru mr anb tljeij rommeurr to aably a ay goob-bgr. 



Educated Number 



June, 1923 







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Managing Editor 

R. NOYES, '24 
Literary Editor 

F. BRUNNER, '24 
Exchange Editor 

W. F. PRATT, '24 
Literary Department 

S. F. HARRIS, '26 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 

Editor-in-Chief 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 
Advertising Manager 

W. G. RHODES, '24 
Circulation Manager 

G. W. HANSCOMB, 25 

Art Editor 

H. E. ERASER, '26 



Business Manager 

L. HALE, '25 
Assistant Business Manager 

Business Department 
V. PIERCE, '25 
B. NEEDHAM, '26 
H. LINDSCOG, '26 
H. RICHARDSON, '26 



% 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College in 
the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed to 
the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



'OOMEBODY had a ripping time,' 



thought 
the maid as she pulled the tattered sheet 
from the bed. 



WHAT," demanded the irate householder 
"are you doing?" 
"Oh," replied the burglar as he threw two gold 
watches out of the window to his pal, "just passing 
the time." 



THE SQUIB 



THE saddest man I ever knew was John 
Augustus Wayne. He followed close a train 
of thought, — and then he lost the train. 



REGGIE Green lows as how it must be great 
to be a senior and say "Howdy Prof." to the 
professors. 



INKS stayed single because he couldn't 
support a wife. 
Jinks married his landlady because he couldn't 
support himself. 




2 A. M. — Waiting for the Male 



FIEST Female (seeing several men's hats 
parked on the hall table) : "Who's enter- 
taining tonight.^" 

Second ditto: "Well, Helen isn't very, and 
Marion is rather, and Kitty is — I haven't heard 
her say, 'Now you stop' yet." 



AFTER four years at Aggie we have con- 
cluded that:— 

A chicken can be dressed at less expense on the 
farm than in the city. 

There are more kings and princes in the pedi- 
gree of our old cow than in the family tree of 
the Astorfellers. 

Elderberry wine is worth more than a dollar a 
glass moonshine. 

It takes as much skill to roll spiral puttees as 
to manipulate a dress suit. 

We know a whole lot less than we thought we 
did. 



THAT GIRL I MET THE OTHER DAY 

I met a girl the other day 

She was some peach I'll have you know; 

Not the ordinary kind 

With an ordinary mind, 
But a girl that smiles and loves just so. 

Now I've got a girl already 
Two or three or four, in fact; 

With the ordinary line. 

And the ordinary fine 
If you slip and miss up on your act. 

I write them lots of letters 
Telling them the things I do; 

Not the ordinary facts 

But the big and noble acts 
That an Aggie man puts over in his show. 

Now I'm puzzling quite a lot. 
Trying to figure out a way 

To write the ordinary line 

To that simple one of mine, 
Thinking of THE girl I met the other day. 



THE SQUIB 



'HE Victorians weren't so slow after all — 
Scott must have been in on a few good 
parties when he wrote "The . stag at eve had 
drunk his fill." 



I'LL be jiggered," thought the old bridge as 
the Ford approached it. 



ND it was Shakespeare who remarked of his 
pet bootlegger that "Phoebus' gins arise." 



OUR idea of nothing at all is getting a lift from 
a bootlegger and being left alone in the auto 
wiien the prohibition police overhaul it, - with 
the game called at eight o'clock sharp. 



A motto to be framed and sent on Christmas "¥T seems that your supply of jokes is rather 
^^ to the aspiring player who rooms next to ^ limited." 



yoa: "Kind hearts are more than cornets." 



It is: "I haven't been fussing lately." 



ALL successful sheiks are 
muscularly loquacious 
— you know what we mean, 
"Actions speak louder than" 
— etc. and so forth. 




SAY, Sonny, can't you read? 
Aw, — wot yuh crabbin' about.'' I 
stopped, didn't I.-^ 



SOME FEAT 

SWEET Young Thing: "Oh 
dearie, have yon any 
black silk stockings vou 
don't want.^" 

Another of 'em: "Think 
so, maybe — yes." 

S. \\ T.: ' "Well, I'll be 
glad to take them off your 
hands." 



S 



117 HAT'S the farmerette, father?" 

' • "Something darned indigestable," replied 
Dr. Hoskins, thinking of his last patient. 

S 



WANTED 



IJOY to deliver oysters that can ride a wheel. 

S 



THE WARY WORM 

THE shy, retiring angleworm 
Is very seldom found 
Abroad in high society^ — 
His reasons they are sound. 
"I know that I am slow," he said, 
"From harm I cannot bound." 
"My choice comes down to this," he said. 
With careful look around — 
"Be ground beneath a careless heel, 
"Or be beneath the ground." 



'117HY are you studying bee-keeping?" 
'^ * To learn how to take care of my honey." 



SHE: "So long as you behave I'll sit in the 
hammock with you." 
He: "And if I don't, then what?" 
She: "Then I'll have to ask mother and father 
to leave." 



THE SQUIB 



^^^ 




LDITORIAL5 





COMMENCEMENT approaches. This is for the information of the people who study on 
Saturday night and the other people who believe everything their professor tells them. For 
their edification, the term should be defined. Commencement is the end of existence — 
collegiate existence, which is something like the early stages of the butterfly. Commence- 
ment is the time when fond aunts and uncles, and various other relatives gather about and 
murmur excitedly, "Look — there! that next to the last one on the left side of the right aisle. That's 
him — that's our Harold! Ain't he just grand?" Exams come at this time too, and facetious profa 
pull the old one about its being all right to get out of exams if you get out right. The soft-stuff specials 
work the phone over-time fixing it up with "the little girl," and the sharks knock their lessons for a last 
long lingering loop. The campus rings with fond farewells, promises not to lose sight of each other, 
and addresses that will be lost the first time the suit goes to the cleaner, if ever. In short, the educated 
are being culled from the common herd. Educated? They'll say they are. They have battled with 
botany, crammed for chem, pondered o'er physics, and in general taken in a cross section of the Book 
of Knowledge. And they haven't let "studies interfere with education" — too much. The street car 
company can lay new tracks on the strength of their year's receipts. (^They won't, of course.) We 
weep the passing of '23 — but let us bear up and be brave. Our loss is the world's gain, and twenty 
years from now there will be some nice new shiny laurel wreaths and a few new names for the kids to 
learn in history. The best of luck to you, '23 — -and listen, if you have any really good notebooks you 
don't want, remember that charity begins on the campus, and govern yourself accordingly. 



s 



THE spring poet's dreams and inspiration begins to fade along in May when it's time to edit an 
"Educated Number." At least the Squib poets, if they may be called such, seem to have run 
out of gas, as 'twere. Probably it's because they're studying so hard — warm, balmy weather is 
so conducive to that sort of thing. But "Squibby" is part of your education, and we cannot 
allow that to be neglected. It works both ways, you profit through "Squibby," and "Squibby" 
profits through you. "Coop"-eration, there we have everything penned up, including the editorial. 
Sure, I'll admit it's a bum job — but just try it yourself, when everybody's reading Barney Google and 
playing the "vie." Humor is great stuff, though. How would we get along without it? — our women 
for example. Takes all kinds to make a fraternity. That's education. Spring poets, warm weather 
editorials, women, fraternities, and "Squibby"— they all help. Here's "Squibby," be educated. 



THE SQUIB 



THE MERITS OF LIFE SAVERS 

FOREWORD: These humble vegetables have not the place they deserve in our literature; 
altho in our affections they hold their own. (Own flavor, jierhaps?) They are useful in many ways, 
among which we pick the following at random as examples. Read and hear ye! 

1. — and, my dear, they're simply wonderful! — honestly, they'll actually take your breath 
away. "Ask the man who owns one." 

'i. They furnish good repartee. "What have you in the shape of doughnuts today.^" "Some 
nice Life-Savers, lady." 

3. They have no equal as cigarette chasers. "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" and ride it home 
chewing a Life Saver. 

i. They make economy a virtue. "Have a Life Saver, won't you? You know, I like them 
so well — so much nicer than all these rich chocolates and things, I do get so tired of chocolates, don't 
you — have another L. S." 

5. They make conversation. Don't chew the rag — chew Life Savers. If you haven't anything 
to say and your girl is waiting to hear you say it, don't get rattled, — feed her a L. S. and let her do the 
rattling. (Special note to girls: this works both ways equally well.) 

6. And lastly, they demonstrate a geometrical fact: the Hole is greater than any of its parts. 
The manufacturers ought to blow us to a package for this, oughtn't they.^ 



RECITATIVE IX LOW TONES TO SAD MUSIC 

The lady speaks: I was engaged to an old man — he had few hairs but many millions. He had 
a town house and a Newport house and many country estates, and I was to have great shining limousines 
and long purring roadsters, and chauffeurs and footmen and butlers and maids. 

His millions were many, his hairs hardly any, 

His checkbook was large, and his life 
Would not last too long — and he said it was wrong 
To refuse anything to a wife. 
My clothes were ordered from Paris, radiant miracles in silks and silver. Diamonds were hung around 
my neck and set in gleaming platinum on my fingers, and the whole world waited my pleasure. Then — 
then, Dick came. Dick of the charming impudent grin, the laughing eye, the careless word. Dick, 
with no money, with nothing — nothing, except himself and his love-songs 

But Dick came by with a roving eye, 

And a flashing smile, and a kiss — 
So I ran away from my fiancee 
To taste a lover's bliss. 
■'Love is all," I cried, and gladly threw away the hollow n:ockery of wealth and followed the man I 
loved. Have I ever regretted it? Have I? My next home ought to be a thoroughly padded cell! 

The obvious deduction: If monev talks, then love sings — but millions make a heluva noise. 



THE SQUIB 




1st SENIOR — Now that you are graduated I suppose yon can go out in the world and 
meet anything without being afraid. 

2nd SENIOR — Yep! I've met all kinds of women since I've been in college. 



THE SQUIB 



THE MODERN DAIRY 

IN the year of our Lord 1924 and of the inde- 
pendence of these United States the one 
hundred and forty ninth, it was my good fortune 
to encounter at Palm Beach one of the foremost 
hurlers of the bovine male that graduated Avith 
'23 from the Massachusetts Cow College, It is 
unnecessary to recount on these pages the numer- 
ous scandals we recounted one to another, scan- 
dals which would make many fair co-eds and 
daughty athletes blush with shame, but from this 
Avorthy individual I extracted part by part the 
story of the Modern Dairy, which I here present 
to you. 

"First of all," said my friend, "I want to con- 
tradict the story that my herd of one hundred 
purebred Guernsey cattle are never looked after. 
On the contrary, I like to gaze upon the lowing 
kine and for that purpose have visited the farm 
as often as three times in the last six months. 
Moreover there is an expert mechanic always 
on duty oiling the machinery so everything will 
run smoothly. After we get things running 
right I suppose we can dispense with his services, 
but we can't make too radical changes all at once. 

"We know that three milkings per day will 
give better results than two, and four than three, 
but no one has heretofore carried the system to 
its logical conclusion. AVe keep the milking 
machines working on all the cows continuously 
day and night. The milk is pumped into a vat 
in the city from Avhich anyone can draw a quart 
by depositing a quarter in the slot, — you see this 
is a fancy grade of milk. This obviates all labor 
connected with milking or marketing the milk 
except for collecting the money occasionally, — 
a beastly nuisance. 

"Feeding is accomplished by shoots which bring 
down a certain amovmt of grain to each cow 
three times a day, as regulated by a system of 
alarm clocks. Chopped hay and silage are blown 
down the same shoots. 

"A continually moving platform removes all 
litter from behind the cows and deposits it in a 
manure pit for market gardeners who purchase 
on contract. 

"We give our cattle the best of care. Thermo- 
stats keep the barn at a uniform temperature 
summer and winter. 

"Won't you come up to Danvers with us and 
see the herd?" 

I began to think I might have to visit the farm 
shortly as he introduced me to his blue coated 
brass buttoned attendant. 



r 



TT 




^ r J 5 e r 



. m.-^--:«.K<*' 'jk "•;->■■;!. 



CURB STOCK 



GREAT SCOTT! WHAT ROT! 

The funny little Hottentot! 

Cf clothes they say he has a lot, 
But darn it all, he wears 'em not; 

The sun doesn't even ro.ake him hot. 
Gosh! what a tough skin he has got, 

The funnv little Hottentot. 



THIS is a frame-up" sighed the picture of the 
movie actor as the young girl got out the 
picture wire. 



'ES, Araminta, in spite of what the interior 
decorators say, a clock is certainly a strik- 
mante] ornament. 



'1 call this a snappy outfit," said the pretty girl 



in the rubber bathing suit. 



THE SQUIB 



A FAIRY TALE 



ONCE upon a time there was an x4.rab. He 
was a magician of the old school, who wore 
the traditional flowing white robes and beard, 
and chiseled his own charms, and brewed his own 
philters. One day he made a jjotent draft of a 
hitherto unknown color. He swallowed it, and 
was at once transported in a cloud of yashmaks 
and fatimas and nargiles and things to a small 
American drug store. The proprietor fainted 
when he saw the Arab, and the poor magician 
felt extremely misplaced. He turned to the 
counter and there to his great joy, he perceived 
a jar labelled "Vanishing Cream." He wanted 
nothing more in the world than to vanish, so he 
applied it liberally, and at once — it disappeared. 
They took him to Hamp on the next car. 
Moral: Lay off the home brew. 



HIS freshman year "my wife" was working like 
the dickens to stay in college. Now he's 
working like all possessed to get out. It's a 
funny world. 



" A H, a Lucky Strike," said the cigarette fiend 
** as his wife hit him over the head with a 
horse-shoe. 



OVER the gray of the chapel walls 
The golden sunbeams play. 
And gild the face of the chapel clock 

That marks the hours of Commencement day. 
Over the campus sounds the bell 

That has sounded for victory, and class — 
The clang of the bell has a solemn swing 

As if it were saying, "The Seniors pass." 
The mirrored spire of the chapel tower 

Eternally lies in the waters cold. 
And the memories we have of the men who leave 

Are mirrored in every tradition we hold. 



SAD BUT TRLE! 

Cider will work without wages. 

A chemist will dye yet live on. 

In Hawaii, I'm told, the Hula girls dress 

In grass, without cvitting the lawn. 




UP IN THE CLOUDS 



THE SQUIB 



JONAH'S WHALE 

UNCLE Ephraim Lincoln was up from Hingham again recently. Down to the frat one of the boys 
asked him if they still planted a fish in each hill of corn as Squanto had taught them. 
"Eh, what.'*" asked LTncle Eph, cupping a hand over one ear, "Well yaas we used ter bury 
fish in the dirt when I wuz a young rascal, — hut did ye ever hear tell uv buryin' dirt in a fish 
before plantin' yer corn? I thought not.'' — x\nd I knew Uncle Eph was off on the story 
of Jonah's Whale. 

'Twas in '57, March loth ter be perticular, when the barkentine Nancy Hawkins run inter 
rough water off the coast uv Portygal. That night I wuz at the wheel an' Ezry Todd on watch. Did 
ye ever try ter hang outer the wheel uv a barkentine when she wuz a bein' tossed by the waves like a 
rat by a white Bull Terrier.'' 'I can, but not when the craft lands on a whale at the bottom of a sixty 
foot drop. I flew like as any good sailor'd ha' done. The Nancy jest made port but Ezry an' I warn't 
on hfr. Where wuz we? We wuz perched on top uv the only other craft in sight, the largest sea ser- 
pent my lamps ever peeped, an' I've seen troops of em both when I wuz drunk an' when I wuz sober. 

"The hide was as tough as oak an' as thick as a ship's bottom. We hung on by drivin' in our 
knives. 

"When mornin' come we wuz safe in the open sea on the queerest craft as two sober Yankee 
sailor men ever trod the decks uv. We dug a bulkhead inter the critter's innerds an' started ter explore 
the cargo. AVe soon had a cozy cabin fixed up where we could keep dry in a storm. We set up a set 
uv drains ter collect the rain water, fer we, Ezry in perticuler, wuz developin' an awful thirst. We tried 
some uv the meat an' found it nearly as good as salt horse. 

"We found as how the serpent had eaten fish an' the fish had eaten clams an' the clams had eaten 
mud so after a couple weeks we collected enough dirt ter start a garden on the critter's back. Ezry 
made a noise like a cornfield which attracted some ducks so close that we had a duck pie and got 
some seed corn from their crops. We planted this an' tended it keerful an' lied as thrifty lookin' a 
cornfield as ye ever peeped when we left the craft. 

"August second after a prosperous voyage we jumped ship on a lonely corner uv thf Cape Verdes. 
A couple days later we shanghaied a couple nigger boys an' wuz jjaddled ter port where we shipped 
home on the Mehitable Ann uv Kingston. 

"You must have taken the captain of the Mehitable around to see your find," interposed 
my wife. 

"Don't try an' get funny young feller," retorted Uncle Eph, "er I'll thrash ye. How could I 

moor a thousan' ton ship with a shoe string? Jonah's whale drifted away an' warn't never seen sence. — 
An' by the by, I never told ye about it bein' Jonah's whale. 

"The day afore we jumped ship we tunneled ter the mouth an' there we found an old seaman's 
chest with 'JONAH, HOLY LAND' printed on it plain as sailin'. Probably right after Jonah left in 
sech a hurry, the old gal wuz washed out ter sea an' sunk ter the bottom where she wuz kept in cold 
storage so ter speak fer all these hundreds uv years. Then an' earthquake er somethin' threw her up 
again an' we found her afore she started in ter decay. Think on it, fish to thousand year old an' 
tasted fresher than what ye eats here sometimes. 

"Ef ye've got a bit o' baccy handy we'll light up." 



THE SQUIB 




S^aoy^s* «- 



SWEET YOUNG THING— I think this cape is adorable; it's just too dear for anything. 
YOUNG HLBBY— I'll say it is! 



I LOVED— 



AND LEFT 



BECAUSE 



flELEN had an exquisite complexion, 
Marjorie smoked so gracefully. 

Marion danced like a fairy. 

Desiree was in the Follies. 

Mabel said she had never been kissed before. 

Katherine declared she believed in "Just being 
good pals." 

Cecilia wrote poems of her "purple soul." 
Marie had such wonderful golden hair. 



I brought Helen home in the rain. 
The taste lingered. 

Marion used to say, "Oh, there's Tom. Woidd 

you mind if I just finished this with him.''" 
The other man had a million. 

Mabel was right. 

She was no relation to George Washington. 

But she always left the lights on in the living-room. 

My wife used to find blonde hair-pins in the car 
next morning. 



CXCHAHCE 



i.\o'^ 



f 



'U) 



■■■•, >■■■ 



^'fu 



■§€A1 



:y.:<4^ 



Father: "Willie, what arc you stretching that 
rabbit's neck for?" 

Willie: "You know, father, the teacher said 

that rabbits maltiply fast, but t'lis on° can't add 
two and two." 



B 



I son 



THE NEWS 

"Only fools are j^ositive." 

Are you sare.-* 
"I'm positive." 



Sour Old 



r^\ 



A WILD ONE 



1st Tommy: "And what are the Ides of March.^" 
^d Tommy: "The ides of March .^ They must 
b? the skins off March 'arss." 

Sun Dodger 

S 

"Madge, this is a downright hold-up." 
"What is, darling?" 
"My new garters. ' 

Dodo 



Wealthy Old Suitor: ":\Iiss Piiyllis, will you 
marry me? I'd gladly die for you." 
Practical Phyllis: "How soon?" 

The Phoenix 
S 
A COW COLLEGIAN 
Josh: "Wal, Hiram, what good did it do to have 
yoar son take high finance at college?" 

Hiram: "I danno, unless it taught him how to 

water stock." 

Sun Dodger 

S 
She: 'If you could see my heart, you would see 
your name written upon it." 

He: "Yes, but I'm afraid your heart would look 



like a hotel register." 



Fi 



re 



O. M. Aunt : "And I suppose. Willie, that after 
your tour through Sweden you can tell me all 
about matches and how they are made.'^ 

Willie: "Well, no. Auntie, but I don't blame 
you for wanting to know." 

"Why. what do you mean ?" 

"Daddy says that you have been trying to make 

one for about twenty years now." 

Phoenix 

S 
"Trying to drown your troubles in alcohol?" 
"Nope. Preshervin' my dignity." 

The Imp 



"I'm beginning to miss my husband," said 
Mrs. Murphy as the rolling pin grazed her hus- 
band's head and hit the wall. 

Chaparral 
S 

Rufroot: "What makes Harriette so popular?" 

B.ruyere: "When a fellow calls, she asks" him a 

riddle, then keeps him in the dark all evening." 

Black and Blue Jay 

S 
OR WAS IT ADMIRAL DEWEY 

The two stuccoed last-boaters were standing 
on the windy deck of the ferry, as one furtively 
passed a bottle to the other. 

"What ish that stuff?" asked the recipient, 
after sampling it. 

" 'Sh port," said the donor, "Made it m'shelf." 

" 'Sh terrible." returned the other, "Shimply 
terrible." 

"Shursh Terrible," replied his friend, "But re- 
member the words of Lord Nelshon, 'Any port in 
a shtorm,' 'Any port in a shtorm.' " 

Pelican 



"Hello, Bob! Why didn't you speak to me?" 
"Why, Ruth, I didn't recognize you in those 

grey stockings." 

Fire 



First Little Boy: "Mr Grandmama's got a cat 
— she has — and he's got some kittens — he has." 

Second Little Boy: "My Grandmama's got a 
cat too, but he ain't got no little cats, 'cause — 
he ain't that kind of a cat. 

YeMow Jacket 



Little Mary: "Mama, I don't have to cat this 
egg, do I.^ It doesn't smell good." 

Big Mary: "Mary, how often must I tell you 
not to complain about your food.^ Eat that egg!" 

Little Mary (after a brief pau3e) : "Mama, must 
I eat the beak, too?" 

DoDo 



Sweet Chi O (commenting on her roomie's 
new pair of modern nighties) : "Aren't they the 
cat's pajamas, tho!" 

Sour Owl 



Teacher: "Can you .spell homicide?" 
Pupil: "I can make a stab at it." 



*S?/n Dodger 



WJien the doctor arrived he found the patient 
in tears. 

"Cheer up, my good man," he said, "you'll 
pull through all right." 

" 'Tisn't that. Doc," groaned the patient, "but 
just think of the money I've spent buying apples 
to keep you away." 

Harvard Lam/pcon 



HIS HORRIBLE MOTIVE 

Tiie respectable tramp knocked gently upon 
the door. 

"Madam," he began, touching his cap to the 
lady who appeared, "A while back you gave me 
three doughnuts. Would you mind adding an- 
other one, to make four?" 

The lady was all gracious. 

"Gladly," she answered, smiling as she wrapped 
one up and handed it to the tramp. "So you like 
my doughnuts, do you?" 

"No, Mum," replied the truthful tramp, "but 
me and some friends down in the holler wants to 
have a game of quoits." 

Voo Doo 



Latin Prof.: "What is the perfect tense of the 
verb 'to love'?" 

Stude: "Moonlight, bobbed hair, and a canoe." 

The Phoenix . 



lUCWf 

STRIKE 



This one 
extra 

process 

rfives a 
delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 



UNITED STATES HOTEL 

Lincoln, Beach and Kingston Sts., Boston, Mass. 

BOSTON HEADQUARTERS FOR M. A. C. 



Rooms with hot and cold running water, $2.00 up 
Rooms with bath - - - - 3.00 up 

Club Breakfast, 30c to $1 .30 (1 5 combinations) 
Daily and Sunday Luncheon, 75c and $1 .00 
Daily and Sunday Dinner, $1 .25 

NEAR BOSTON'S BEST GARAGES 



James G. Hickey, Manager 



Henry: "Albert, speak to me. Tell me lad, 
why do you gaze so earnestly at yonder drawn 
blind?" 

Albert: "Bother m? not, brother Hi^nry. I am 
studying a physiology outlin?.." 

Sun Dodfjer 



March winds, to you we sing our praise, 
Harbingers of the balmy days. 
Your pranks with co-eds oft amaze; 
We can but stop and gaze, and gaze. 

Frofh 



A peacock is a beautiful bird, but it takes a 



stork to deliver the goods. 



Bison 



Hee: "Doesn't that girl in the next house dress 
beautifully?" 

Haw: "Can't say, there's a tree between our 
houses." 



THE MODER ; CAT IPH 

Radio station xyz is calling Convict 666 at 

Sing Sing 

"Is there anvthing I can do for vou?" 



'A^es, get me a dry cell. 



Brown Jug 



"Oh Lord!" cried the baby grasshopper. "How 
you made me jump!" 

The Phoenix 

^EXT CASE 

Judge: "What is the charge against the young 
lady?" 

Officer: "Running about the street costumed as 
September Morn, your honor." 

Judge: "Thirty days hath September!" 

Sun Dodger 



MITCHELL BELKIN 

PHOTOGRAPHER 

241 Main Street, Northampton 

Phone 1753 



Official 'Photographer to 
Smith Seniors 1922-23 

"Aggie" Index 1922 

SPECIAL RATES TO STUDENTS 



'-^DAYY EXPE B-IMENTIATG WITH 




CARNETT I/\r THE R.OYAL SOCIETYf 
^ . __„ __ J. 



The First Electrochemist 




jITROUS oxide, accord- 
ing to the science of a 
century ago, was **the 
principle of contagion when re- 
spired by animals in the minutest 
quantities." Mere say-so. 

Imaginative yet skeptical Hum- 
phrey Davy, who believed in ex- 
periment rather than in opinion, 
"respired" it and lived. 

It was this restless desire to test 
beliefs that made him one of the 
founders of modern science. Elec- 
tricity was a new force a century 
ago. Davy used it to decompose 
potash, soda, and lime into potas- 
sium, sodium, and calcium, thus 
laying the foundations of electro- 
chemistry. With a battery of two 
thousand plates he produced the 
first electric arc — harbinger of 
modern electric illumination and 
of the electric furnace. 

Czar Alexander I and Napoleon 
met on a raft to sign the Treaty of 
Tilsit while Davy was revealing 



the effects of electricity on matter. 
'*What is Europe.?" said Alexan- 
der. " We are Europe." 

The treaty was at that time ap 
important political event, framed 
by two selfish monarchs for the sole 
purpose of furthering their per- 
sonal interests. Contrast with it 
the unselfish efforts of Sir Hum- 
phrey Davy. His brilliant work 
has resulted in scores of practical 
applications of electrolysis in in- 
dustry and a v/ealth of chemical 
knowledge that benefit not him- 
self but the entire world. 

In the Research Laboratories of 
the Genera! Electric Company, for 
instance, much has been done to 
improve the electric furnace (a de- 
velopment of Davy*s arc) and new 
compounds have been electro- 
chemically produced, which make 
it easier to cast high-conductivity 
copper, to manufacture special 
tool steels, and to produce carbides 
for better arc lamps. 



General^Elecflric 

9""ral Office COmpanV Schcnect»dy,N.Y. 



95-634^^ 



Z- 


A 



N spite of the fact 
that everybody that 
reads the SQUIB 
can tell jokes twice 
as funny or twice as shady as 
Squibby can or dares-in spite 
of that f act-those very readers 
are always hoUerin' when the 
SQUIB is overdue, which is 
usually all the time, (meaning 
of course that you're always 

hoUerin.) We don't mind your hol- 
lerin' so much if you'll holler for us 
once in a while—doesn't cost any 
more. All I want to tell ."youse 
Guys " is this, don't knock. 

BOOST THE SQUIB 



lllililllliilili 



Winchester Sporting 

and 

Athletic Goods 



Hardware, Plumbing 

and 

Heating 




Mutual Plumbing and 
Heating Co. 



"Seen Petroleum?" 

"Nope! She hasn't benzine since Kerosene 



lit her up last night with a perfect match." 



Dodo 



Flo was fond of Ebenezer, 
Eb was strong he could squeeze her, 
Talk of tide of love, Julius Caesar, 
You should see 'em, Eb and Flo. 

Bison 



26: Why don't they make the girls take Phys- 
ical Training? There wouldn't be any cutting 
then." 

25 : "No, but the gym would be torn up in 
the rush for the showers." 

J 00 Doo 



THE FRESHMAN CYNIC 

The Sophomore Hop has came and went. 
Our girl has left, our money's spent; 
As back to work we wend our way 
We ponder, — does the woman pay? 

Froth 



\>terinary (to his son) : "What do you mean by 
telling Miss Helen that her calves were well 
shaped?" 

Son (irritated): "But, father, I was only judg- 
ing her livestock." 

Veterinary (angrily): "You certainly are an im- 
pudent young jackass." 

Son (sorro^A-fully) : "Well, you are my father." 

Fire 



"The breaks are against us," said the back 
wheels as the car slid down the hill. 

Froth 



"Ma, can I go out to play?" 
"What, Willie! With those holes in your 
trousers?" 

"Naw, with the kids across the street." 

The Phoenix 



There was a young lady named Banker 
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 
She awoke in dismay 
When she heard the mate say, 
"Now lift up the top sheet and spanker." 

Sun Dodger 



F. M. Thompson & Son 



Hart, Schaffner & Marx 

Spring Top Coats 

Spring Suits 

All the newest and most sought styles of 
Norfolks, Golf Suits and Sack Suits 

Priced from 
$25.00 to $45.00 

Buy your Spring Mallory Hat now 



F. M. Thompson & Son 

Clothes for Aggie Men 
for Thirty-five Years 



Printing 



^nling 



^xnhing 



''The Kind Worth While" 




Excelsior Printing Co. 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 



"Class," said the new teacher, "I want you all 
to be as quiet as you can be, so quiet that you can 
hear a pin drop." 

Silence was golden. 

Small bass voice in rear of room: "Let 'er drop." 

Chaparral 



Prof, (in mechanics): "What is a couple? 
Student: "Two equal parallel forces acting in 
the same direction." 

Prof.: "But if they act in opposite directions?" 
Student: "That's a divorce case." 

Froth 



SCE\TSITI\E 

Wife: "I was bighlj^ incensed by the actions of 

that bold girl you were dancing with last evening!" 

Hubby: "Well, I was highly perfumed myself." 

Pelican 



Mary: "You know, Alice, I am always losing 
my jewelry." 

Alice: "Kitten, you are just like I am. Every 
time I take a bath, I leave a ring in the tub." 

Bison 



THE STORK CELL 

Jimmie: "We've got a new baby down at our 
house." 

Elderly Neighbor: "How nice — and did the 
stork bring it?" 

Jimmie: "Naw, it developed from a unicellular 
amoeba." 

Pelican 



She: "See what I have here! Eddie's necktie." 
He: "Good Heavens, what grammar! Necked 
me!" 

Chaparral 



— SSH/— 
M: "Poor old Harry is all shot." 
A: "Whassa matter, did his woman pass him 



up 



?" 



Y: "Yeh — cause he pulled a real faux pas. 
You see he heard her remark that she had pur- 
chased the latest thing in gowns." 

B: "Yeh—" 

E : "Yeh, and he said he hoped he'd see her in 
it soon. Poor fish — he's canned now, she meant 
a night gown." 

Beanpot 



Public Sales 

We have purchased 122,000 pair U. S. Army Munson last 
shoes, siz^es 5| to 12 which was the entire surplus stock of one 
of the largest U. S. Government shoe contractors. 

This shoe is guaranteed one hundred percent solid leather 
color dark tan, bellows tongue, dirt and waterproof. The 
actual value of this shoe is $5.00. Owing to this tremendous 
buy we can offer same to the public at $2.95. 

Send correct size. Pay postman on delivery or send money 
order. If shoes are not as represented, we will cheerfully 
refund, your money promptly on request. 

NATIONAL 
BAY STATE SHOE COMPANY 



296 Broadway, 



New York, N. Y. 



Amherst Book Store 



The New "John Hancock" 

Fountain Pen with ink 

cartridge $5.00 

Your name put on free with 
every pen 

Pennants, Banners and Pillow 
Tops for sale here 



C. F. DYER 



us. 



Another one: "What's wrong?" 
Mosquito: "These long dresses the humans are 
wearing now are decreasing our trade territory." 

Sour Owl 



WilHe: "Aw, you're afraid to fight." 
Johnnie: "No, I'm not; but if I fight my mother 
will find out and whip me." 
"How' 11 she find out.?" 

"She'll see the doctor going to your house." 

The ^Phoenix 



Head Nurse: "Rub him well with glycerine 
every two hours in the daytime." 

Foot Nurse: "What shall I use at night, nitro- 
glycerine.?" 

Froth 



Most college theatrical critics all agree that 
Geraldine is Farrar, but insist that Theda is Bara. 

Fire 



Wife (to noise in the dark): "Is that you, 
John?" 

Husband: "Of course. Who-^elge <io you ex- 
pect at this time of night?" 

BoU Weevil 



TICK-TICK 



-C-^/Cj^ I 



First Dumbell: "You have a nice watch there." 
Second D. Br: "Yes, I just got it for Xmas." 
First D. B.: "Will it tell time?" 
Second D. B.: "No, you poor yap, you haf 'ta 
look for it.'! ' 

• ' ■■ ■ Ifiison 



"Following my greatest talents," said Steve, 
'I have a natural bent for sitting down." 

Chaparral 



"I called a doctor last night." 

"Anybody sick?" 

"He was, when he saw mv hand, four aces and 



a king." 



Chaparral , 



IN MOSQUITO LAND 

Mosquito: "This is going to be a dull spring for 



Alex's Lunch Room 

Formerly of the Candy Kitchen 

OVER BOLLES' SHOE STORE 

Special Noon-Day Dinners at 50c — Food and 
Service of Highest Quality. 

The Best Coffee in Town 

Buy a 15.50 Meal Ticket for $5.00.' 
Hours, 7 a. m. to 1.00 a. m. 

SUNDAY FEEDS A SPECIALTY 



The place that made good over night — "Come up and bring 

your friends" 



\m it IB Ufar OIommpttrrmFnt timp, (lBI|trl| rpallg xb tlje enh), 

Mt knom it is truF tl|e trrm ta almoat tlirouylj. 
tl|pit ciimmenre to park our trunka, rommrnrr to takr txnmB, 
(Hommrnrr to ttjink of all tljp tlimge tur axoorc tl^ta grar to bo, 
Alao rommenrp to aort an5 arrap tl^r |uttk tl^e grar l|aa brougl]t, 
(Jil|err M^ 3 grt tl|ta akg-bl«r plaatrr rat?-) 

Uikemiap rommenrr to pay our biUa. anb aril our baoka; rommmre 
®o tljtnk of bdng mxt grar upprr-rlaaam^u anb all tl|at. 

Hut moflt of all rommeure to tljink tljat aoou tljp ^eaxovB Irauc ua, 
(Eommeucf to kuom bowi murlj uir'U rpallg mtaa tljrm, you aub J- 

®l|at'a tul|i| it'a ralkb (Eommrur^meut limp, for mljeu it romea rommrurra 
Qiljr time tiil|ru mt aub tljeg rommeurr to aably say goob-bgr. 



Educated Number 



June, 1923 



Managing Editor 

R. NOYES, '24 
Literary Editor 

F. BRUNNER, '24 
Exchange Editor 

W. F. PRATT, '24 
Literary Department 

S. F. HARRIS, '26 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 




^ *^<aaDDDDaDr 
aooaa 

iDDDO" 
JDOD 




QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 

Editor-in-Cliief 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 
Advertising Manager 

W. G. RHODES, '24 
Circulation Manager 

G. W. HANSCOMB, '25 

Art Editor 

H. E. FRASER, '26 



Business Manager 

L. HALE, '25 
Assistant Business Manager 

Business Department 
V. PIERCE, '25 
B. NEEDHAM, '26 
H. LINDSCOG, '26 
H. RICHARDSON, '26 



=■% 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College in 
the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed to 
the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



SOMEBODY had a ripping time," thought 
the maid as she pulled the tattered sheet 
from the bed. 



"^T^HAT," demanded the irate householder 

'^ » "are you doing?" 

"Oh," replied the burglar as he threw two gold 
watches out of the window to his pal, "just passing 
the time." 



THE SQUIB 



THE saddest man I ever knew was John 
Augustus Wayne. He followed close a train 
of thought, — and then he lost the train. 



REGGIE Green lows as how it must be great 
to be a senior and say "Howdy Prof." to the 
professors. 



I5INKS stayed single because he couldn't 
'■^ support a wife. 

Jinks married his landlady because he couldn't 
support himself. 




2 A. M.— Waiting for the Male 



S 



FIRST Female (seeing several men's hats 
parked on the hall table) : "Who's enter- 
taining tonight?" 

Second ditto: "Well, Helen isn't very, and 
Marion is rather, and Kitty is — I haven't heard 
her say, 'Now you stop' yet." 



AFTER four years at Aggie we have con- 
cluded that:— 

A chicken can be dressed at less expense on the 
farm than in the city. 

There are more kings and princes in the pedi- 
gree of our old cow than in the family tree of 
the iVstorfellers. 

Elderberry wine is worth more than a dollar a 
glass moonshine. 

It takes as much skill to roll spiral puttees as 
to manipulate a dress suit. 

We know a whole lot less than we thought we 
did. 



THAT GIRL I MET THE OTHER DAY 

I met a girl the other day 

She was some peach I'll have you know; 

Not the ordinary kind 

With an ordinary mind. 
But a girl that smiles and loves just so. 

Now I've got a girl already 
Two or three or four, in fact; 

With the ordinary line. 

And the ordinary fine 
If you slip and miss up on your act. 

I write them lots of letters 
Telling them the things I do; 

Not the ordinary facts 

But the big and noble acts 
That an Aggie man puts over in his show. 

Now I'm puzzling quite a lot. 
Trying to figure out a way 

To write the ordinary line 

To that simple one of mine. 
Thinking of THE girl I met the other day. 



THE SQUIB 



'HE Victorians weren't so slow after all — 
Scott must have been in on a few good 
parties when he wrote "The stag at eve had 
drunk his fill." 



I'LL be jiggered," thought the old bridge as 
the Ford approached it. 



O' 



^UR idea of nothing at all is getting a. lift from 
a bootlegger and being left alone in the auto 
ND it was Shakespeare who remarked of his when the prohibition police overhaul it,— with 
pet bootlegger that "Phoebus' gins arise." the game called at eight o'clock sharp. 



A motto to be framed and sent on Christmas 
^^ to the aspiring player who rooms next to 
yoa: "Kind hearts are more than cornets." 



'¥T seems that your supply of jokes is rather 
* limited." 
It is: "I haven't been fussing lately." 



A LL successful sheiks are 
^"^ mviscularly loquacious 
— you know what we mean, 
"Actions speak louder than" 
— etc. and so forth. 




SAY, Sonny, can't you read.' 
Aw, — wot yuh crabbin' about.' 
stopped, didn't I.' 



S 



SOME FEAT 

SWEET Young Thing: "Oh 
dearie, have you any 
black silk stockings you 
don't want?" 

Another of 'em: "Think 
so, maybe — yes." 

S. Y. T.: ' "Well, I'll be 
glad to take them off your 
hands." 



WHAT'S the farmerette, father.'" 
"Something darned indigestable," replied 
Dr. Hoskins, thinking of his last patient. 

S 



WANTED 



"DOY to deliver oysters that can ride a wheel. 

S 



THE WARY WORM 

THE shy, retiring angleworm 
Is very seldom found 
Abroad in high society — 
His reasons they are sound. 
"I know that I am slow," he said,. 
"From harm I cannot bound." 
"My choice comes down to this," he said, 
With careful look around — 
"Be ground beneath a careless heel, 
"Or be beneath the ground." 



'^T^HY are you studying bee-keeping?" 
'^ * To learn how to take care of my honey." 



SHE: "So long as you behave I'll sit in the 
hammock with you." 
He: "And if I don't, then what?" 
She: "Then I'll have to ask mother and father 
to leave." 



THE SQUIB 




LDITORIAL5 





OMMENCEMENT approaches. This is for the information of the people who study on 
Saturday night and the other jjeople who beHeve everything their professor tells them. For 
their edification, the term should be defined. Commencement is the end of existence — 
collegiate existence, which is something like the early stages of the butterfly. Commence- 
ment is the time when fond aunts and uncles, and various other relatives gather about and 
murmur excitedly, "Look — there! that next to the last one on the left side of the right aisle. That's 
him — that's our Harold! Ain't he just grand?" Exams come at this time too, and facetious profs 
pull the old one about its being all right to get out of exams if you get out right. The soft-stufi^ specials 
work the phone over-time fixing it up with "the little girl," and the sharks knock their lessons for a last 
long lingering loop. The campus rings with fond farewells, promises not to lose sight of each other, 
and addresses that will be lost the first time the suit goes to the cleaner, if ever. In short, the educated 
are being culled from the common herd. Educated.^ They'll say they are. They have battled with 
botany, criimmed for chem, pondered o'er physics, and in general taken in a cross section of the Book 
of Knowledge. And they haven't let "studies interfere with education" — too much. The street car 
company can lay new tracks on the strength of their year's receipts. (They won't, of course.) We 
weep the pas.sing of '23 — but let us bear up and be brave. Our loss is the world's gain, and twenty 
years from now there will be some nice new shiny laurel wreaths and a few new names for the kids to 
learn in history. The best of luck to you, '23 — ^and listen, if you have any really good notebooks you 
don't want, remember that charity begins on the campus, and govern yourself accordingly. 




^HE spring poet's dreams and inspiration begins to fade along in May when it's time to edit an 
"Educated Nvimber." At least the Sqviib poets, if they may be called such, seem to have run 
out of gas, as 'twere. Probably it's because they're studying so hard — warm, balmy weather is 
so conducive to that sort of thing. But "Squibby" is part of your education, and we cannot 
allow that to be neglected. It works both ways, you profit through "Squibby," and "Squibby" 
profits through you. "Coop"-eration, there we have everything penned up, including the editorial. 
Sure, I'll admit it's a bum job — but just try it yourself, when everybody's reading Barney Google and 
playing the "vie." Humor is great stuff, though. How would we get along without it? — our women 
for example. Takes all kinds to make a fraternity. That's education. Spring poets, warm weather 
editorials, women, fraternities, and "Squibby" — they all help. Here's "Squibby," be educated. 



THE SQUIB 



THE MERITS OF LIFE SAVERS 

FOREWORD: These humble vegetables have not the place they deserve in our literature; 
altho in our affections they hold their own. (Own flavor, perhaps?) They are useful in many ways, 
among which we pick the following at random as examples. Read and hear ye! 

1. — and, my dear, they're simply wonderful! — honestly, they'll actually take your breath 
away. "Ask the man who owns one." 

2. They furnish good repartee. "What have you in the shape of doughnuts today.''" "Some 
nice Life-Savers, lady." 

3. They have no equal as cigarette chasers. "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" and ride it home 
chewing a Life Saver. 

4. They make economy a virtue. "Have a Life Saver, won't you? You know, I like them 
so well — so much nicer than all these rich chocolates and things, I do get so tired of chocolates, don't 
you — have another L. S." 

5. They make conversation. Don't chew the rag — chew Life Savers. If you haven't anything 
to say and your girl is waiting to hear you say it, don't get rattled, — feed her a L. S. and let her do the 
rattling. (Special note to girls: this works both ways equally well.) 

6. And lastly, they demonstrate a geometrical fact: the Hole is greater than any of its parts. 
The manufacturers ought to blow us to a package for this, oughtn't they? 



RECITATIVE IN LOW TONES TO SAD MUSIC 

The lady speaks: I was engaged to an old man — he had few hairs but many millions. He had 
a town house and a Newport house and many country estates, and I was to have great shining limousines 
and long purring roadsters, and chauffeurs and footmen and butlers and maids. 

His millions were many, his hairs hardly any. 

His checkbook was large, and his life 
Would not last too long — and he said it was wrong 
To refuse anything to a wife. 
My clothes were ordered from Paris, radiant miracles in silks and silver. Diamonds were hung around 
my neck and set in gleaming platinum on my fingers, and the whole world waited my pleasure. Then — 
then, Dick came. Dick of the charming impudent grin, the laughing eye, the careless word. Dick, 
with no money, with nothing — nothing, except himself and his love-songs 

But Dick came by with a roving eye. 

And a flashing smile, and a kiss — 
So I ran away from my fiancee 
To taste a lover's bliss. 
■'Love is all," I cried, and gladly threw away the hollow mockery of wealth and followed the man I 
loved. Have I ever regretted it? Havel? My next home ought to be a thoroughly padded cell ! 

The obvious deduction: If money talks, then love sings — but millions make a heluva noise. 



THE SQUIB 




1st SENIOR — Now that you are graduated I suppose you can go out in the world and 
meet anything without being afraid. 

2nd SENIOR— Yep! I've met all kinds of women since I've been in college. 



THE SQUIB 



THE MODERN DAIRY 

¥N the year of our Lord 1924 and of the inde- 
^ pendenee of these United States the one 
hundred and forty ninth, it was my good fortune 
to encounter at Palm Beach one of the foremost 
hurlers of the liovine male that graduated with 
'23 from the Massachusetts Cow College. It is 
unnecessary to recount on these pages the numer- 
ous scandals we recounted one to another, scan- 
dals which would make many fair co-eds and 
daughty athletes blush with shame, but from this 
worthy individual I extracted part by part the 
story of the Modern Dairy, which I here present 
to you. 

"First of all," said my friend, "I want to con- 
tradict the story that my herd of one hundred 
purebred Guernsey cattle are never looked after. 
On the contrary, I like to gaze upon the lowing 
kine and for that purpose have visited the farm 
as often as three times in the last six months. 
Moreover there is an ex]>ert mechanic always 
on duty oiling the machinery so everything Avill 
run smoothly. After we get things running 
right I suppose we can dispense with his services, 
but we can't make too radical changes all at once. 

"We know that three milkings per day will 
give better results than two, and four than three, 
but no one has heretofore carried the system to 
its logical conclusion. We keep the milking 
machines working on all the cows continuously 
day and night. The milk is pumped into a vat 
in the city from which anyone can draw a quart 
by depositing a quarter in the slot, — you see this 
is a fancy grade of milk. This obviates all labor 
connected with milking or marketing the milk 
except for collecting the money occasionally, — 
a beastly nuisance. 

"Feeding is accomplished by shoots wiiich bring 
down a certain amount of grain to each cow 
three times a day, as regulated by a system of 
alarm clocks. Chopped hay and silage are blown 
down the same shoots. 

"A continually moving platform removes all 
litter from beliind the cows and deposits it in a 
manure pit for market gardeners who purchase 
on contract. 

"We give our cattle the best of care. Thermo- 
stats keep the barn at a uniform temperature 
summer and winter. 

"Won't you come up to Danvers with us and 
see the herd.^" 

I began to think I might have to visit the farm 
shortly as he introduced me to his blue coated 
brass buttoned attendant. 




CURB STOCK 



GREAT SCOTT! WHAT ROT! 

The funny little Hottentot! 

Cf clothes they say he has a lot, 
But darn it all, he wears 'em not; 

The sun doesn't even m.ake him. hot, 
Gosh! what a tough skin he has got, 

The funnv little Hottentot. 



THIS is a frame-up" sighed the picture of the 
movie actor as the young girl got out the 
picture wire. 



YES, Araminta, in spite of what the interior 
decorators say, a clock is certainly a strik- 
ing mantel ornament. 



'¥ call this a snappy outfit," said the pretty girl 



in the rubber bathing suit. 



THE SQUIB 



A FAIRY TALE 



ONCE upon a time there was an Arab. He 
was a magician of the old school, who wore 
the traditional flowing white robes and beard, 
and chiseled his own charms, and brewed his own 
philters. One day he made a potent draft of a 
hitherto unknown color. He swallowed it, and 
was at once transported in a cloud of yashmaks 
and fatimas and nargiles and things to a small 
American drug store. The proprietor fainted 
when he saw the Arab, and the poor magician 
felt extremely misplaced. He turned to the 
counter and there to his great joy, he perceived 
a jar labelled "Vanishing Cream." He wanted 
nothing more in the world than to vanish, so he 
applied it liberally, and at once — it disappeared. 
They took him to Hamp on the next car. 
Moral: Lay off the home brew. 



HIS freshman year "my wife" was working like 
the dickens to stay in college. Now he's 
working like all possessed to get out. It's a 
funny world. 



S 



" A H, a Lucky Strike," said the cigarette fiend 
*^ as his wife hit him over the head with a 
horse-shoe. 



OVER the gray of the chapel walls 
The golden sunbeams play. 
And gild the face of the chapel clock 

That marks the hours of Commencement day. 
Over the campus sounds the bell 

That has sounded for victory, and class — 
The clang of the bell has a solemn swing 

As if it were saying, "The Seniors pass." 
The mirrored spire of the chapel tower 

Eternally lies in the waters cold. 
And the memories we have of the men who leave 

Are mirrored in every tradition we hold. 



SAD BUT TRLE! 

Cider will work without wages. 

A chemist will dye yet live on. 

In Hawaii, I'm told, the Hula girls dress 

In grass, without cutting the lawn. 




UP IN THE CLOUDS 



THE SQUIB 



JONAH'S WHALE 

UNCLE Ephraim Lincoln was up from Hingham again recently. Down to the frat one of the boys 
asked him if they still planted a fish in each hill of corn as Squanto had taught them. 
"Eh, what.^" asked Uncle P^ph, cupping a hand over one ear, "Well yaas we used ter bury 
fish in the dirt when I wuz a young rascal, — but did ye ever hear tell uv buryin' dirt in a fish 
before plantin' yer corn? I thought not.' '^ — And I knew Uncle Eph was off on the story 
of Jonah's Whale. 

'Twas in '57, March 15th ter be perticular, when the barkentine Nancy Hawkins run inter 
rough water off the coast uv Portygal. That night I m uz at the wheel an' Ezry Todd on watch. Did 
ye ever try ter hang outer the wheel uv a barkentine when she wuz a bein' tossed by the waves like a 
rat by a white Bull Terrier? 'I can, but not when the craft lands on a whale at the bottom of a sixty 
foot drop. I flew like as any good sailor'd ha' done. The Nancy jest made port but Ezry an' I warn't 
on her. Where wuz we? We wuz perched on top uv the only other craft in sight, the largest sea ser- 
pent my lamps ever peeped, an' I've seen troops of em both when I wuz drunk an' when I wuz sober. 

"The hide was as tough as oak an' as thick as a ship's bottom. We hung on by drivin' in our 
knives. 

"When mornin' come we wuz safe in the open sea on the queerest craft as two sober Yankee 
sailor men ever trod the decks uv. We dug a bulkhead inter the critter's innerds an' started ter explore 
the cargo. We soon had a cozy cabin fixed up where we could keep dry in a storm. We set up a set 
uv drains ter collect the rain water, fer we, Ezry in perticuler, wuz developin' an awful thirst. We tried 
some uv the meat an' found it nearly as good as salt horse. 

"We found as how the serpent had eaten fish an' the fish had eaten clams an' the clams had eaten 
mud so after a couple weeks we collected f^nough dirt ter start a garden on the critter's back. Ezry 
made a noise like a cornfield which attracted some ducks so close that we had a duck pie and got 
some seed corn from their crops. We planted this an' tended it keerful an' hed as thrifty lookin' a 
cornfield as ye ever peeped when we left the craft. 

"August second after a prosperous voyage we jumped ship on a lonely corner uv thf Cape Verdes. 
A couple days later we shanghaied a couple nigger boys an' wuz paddled ter port where we shipped 
home on the Mehitable Ann uv Kingston. 

"You must have taken the captain of the Mehitable around to see your find," interposed 
my wife. 

"Don't try an' get funny young feller," retorted Uncle Eph, "er I'll thrash ye. How could I 

moor a thousan' ton ship with a shoe string? Jonah's whale drifted away an' warn't never seen sence. — 
An' by the by, I never told ye about it bein' Jonah's whale. 

"The day afore we jumped ship we tunneled ter the mouth an' there we found an old seaman's 
chest with 'JONAH, HOLY LAND' printed on it plain as sailin'. Probably right after Jonah left in 
sech a hurry, the old gal wuz washed out ter sea an' sunk ter the bottom where she wuz kept in cold 
storage so ter speak fer all these hundreds uv years. Then an' earthquake er somethin' threw her up 
again an' we found her afore she started in ter decay. Think on it, fish to thousand year old an' 
tasted fresher than what ye eats here sometimes. 

"Ef ye've got a bit o' baccy handy we'll light up." 



THE SQUIB 




f^iBy*?- 



SWEET YOUNG THING— I think this cape is adorable; it's just too dear for anything. 
YOUNG HLBBY— I'll say it is! 



S 



I LOVED- 



AND LEFT 



H 



BECAUSE 



ELEN had an exquisite complexion, 
Marjorie smoked so gracefully. 

Marion danced like a fairy. 

Desiree was in the Follies. 

Mabel said she had never been kissed before. 

Katherine declared she believed in "Just being 
good pals." 

Cecilia wrote poems of her "purple soul." 
Marie had such wonderful golden hair. 



I brought Helen home in the rain. 
The taste lingered. 

Marion used to say, "Oh, there's Tom. Wo^dd 

yovi mind if I just finished this with him.^" 
The other man had a million. 

Mabel was right. 

She was no relation to George Washington. 

But she always left the lights on in the living-room. 

My wife used to find blonde hair-pins in the car 
next morning. 



CXCHAHCi 



i^S'^ 



:cv VV.. 



'^Jj 



5l«», 1 'ir : 



Ljf^. 



Father: "Willie, what arc yoii stretching that 
rabbit's neck for?" 

Willie: "You know, father, the teacher said 
that rabbits nuiltiplv fast, but this on? can't add 
two and two." 



Bison 



THE NEWS 

"Only fools are positive." 
Are you sare.-' 
i ra positive. 



S 



Sour Old 



Wealthy Old Suitor: "Miss Phyllis, will you 
marry me? I'd gladly die for you." 
Practical Phyllis: "How soon?" 

The Phoenix 
S 
A COW COLLEGIAN 
Tosh: "Wal, Hiram, what good did it do to have 
your son take high finance at college?" 

Hiram: "I dunno, unless it taught him how to 

water stock." 

Sun Dodger 

S 
She: 'If you could see my heart, you would see 
your name written upon it." 

He: "Yes, but I'm afraid your heart would look 



like a hotel register." 



Fir 



re 



O. M. Aunt: "And I suppose, Willie, that after 
your tour through Sweden you can tell me all 
about matches and how they are made.'^ 

Willie: "Well, no. Auntie, but I don't blame 
you for wanting to know." 

"Why, what do you mean ?" 

"Daddy says that you have been trying to make 

one for about twenty years now." 

Phoenix 

S 
"Trying to drown your troubles in alcohol?" 
"Nope. Preshervin' my dignity." 

The Imp 



f 



ry£v 



A WILD ONE 

1st Tommy: "And what are the Ides of March?" 
2d Tommy: "The ides of March? They must 
be the skins off March 'ares." 

Sun Dodger 

S 

"Madge, this is a downright hold-up." 
"What is, darling?" 



'My new garters." 



Dodo 



"I'm beginning to miss my husband," said 
Mrs. Murphy as the rolling pin grazed her hus- 
band's head and hit the wall. 

Chaparral 

S 

Rufroot: "What makes Harriette so popular?" 

Bruyere: "When a fellow calls, she asks him a 

riddle, then keeps him in the dark all evening." 

Black and Blue Jay 

S 
OR WAS IT ADMIRAL DEWEA" 

The two stuccoed last-boaters were standing 
on the windy deck of the ferry, as one furtively 
passed a bottle to the other. 

"What ish that stuff?" asked the recipient, 
after sampling it. 

" 'Sh port," said the donor, "Made it m'shelf." 

" 'Sh terrible," returned the other, "Shimply 
terrible." 

"Shursh Terrible," replied his friend, "But re- 
member the words of Lord Nelshon, 'Any port in 
a shtorm,' 'Any port in a shtorm.' " 

Pelican 



"Hello, Bob! Why didn't you speak to me?" 
"Why, Ruth, I didn't recognize you in those 
grey stockings." 

Fire 



First Little Boy: "Mr Grandmama's got a cat 

— she has — and he's got some kittens — he has." 

- ='Second Little Boy: "My Grandmama's got a 

cat too, but he ain't got no little cats, 'cause — 

he ain't that kind of a cat. 

Yellow Jacket 



Little Mary: "Mama, I don't have to eat this 
egg, do I.^* It doesn't smell good." 

Big Mary: "Mary, how often must I tell you 
not to complain about your food.^^ Eat that egg!" 

Little Mary (after a brief pause) : ''Mama, must 
I eat the beak, too?" 

DoDo 



Sweet Chi O (commenting on her roomie's 
new pair of modern nighties) : "Aren't they the 
cat's pajamas, tho!" 

Sour Oivl 



Teacher: "Can you spell homicide.?" 
Pupil: "I can make a stab at it." 



iSun Dodger 



When the doctor arrived he found the patient 
in tears. 

"Cheer up, my good man," he said, "you'll 
pull through all right." 

" 'Tisn't that. Doc," groaned the patient, "but 
just think of the money I've spent buying apples 
to keep you away." 

Harvard Lampcon 



HIS HORRIBLE MOTIVE 

The respectable tramp knocked gently upon 
the door. 

"Madam," he began, touching his cap to the 
lady who appeared, "A while back you gave me 
three doughnuts. Would you mind adding an- 
other one, to make four.?" 

The lady was all gracious. 

"Gladly," she answered, smiling as she wrapped 
one up and handed it to the tramp. "So you like 
my doughnuts, do you?" 

"No, Mum," replied the truthful tramp, "but 
m^ and some friends down in the holler wants to 
have a game of quoits." 

Voo Doo 



Latin Prof.: "What is the perfect tense of the 
verb 'to love'?" 

Stude: "Moonlight, bobbed hair, and a canoe." 

The Phoenix 



LUCKY 
STRIKE 



This one 
extra 

process 

rfives a 
delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 



UNITED STATES HOTEL 

Lincoln, Beach and Kingston Sts., Boston, Mass. 

BOSTON HEADQUARTERS FOR M. A. C. 



Rooms with hot and cold running water, $2.00 up 
Rooms with bath - - - - 3.00 up 

Club Breakfast, 30c to $1 .30 (1 5 combinations) 
Daily and Sunday Luncheon, 75c and $1 .00 
Daily and Sunday Dinner, $1 .25 

NEAR BOSTON'S BEST GARAGES 



James G. Hickey, Manager 



Henry: "Albert, speak to me. Tell me lad, 
why do you gaze so earnestly at yonder drawn 
blind?" 

Albert: "Bother me not, brother Htnry. I am 
studying a physiology outline." 

Sun Dodger 



March winds, to you we sing our praise, 
Harbingers of the balmy days. 
Your pranks with co-eds oft amaze; 
We can but stop and gaze, and gaze. 

Froth 



A peacock is a beautiful bird, but it takes a 



stork to deliver the goods. 



Bison 



Hee: "Doesn't that girl in the next house dress 
beautifully.^" 

Haw: "Can't say, there's a tree between our 
houses." 



THE MODERN CALIPH 

Radio station xyz is calling Convict 666 at 

Sing Sing 

"Is there anything I can do for you.^" 
"Yes, get me a dry cell. Broum Jug 



"Oh Lord!" cried the baby grasshopper. "How 
you made me jump!" 

The Phoenix 



NEXT CASE 

Judge: "What is the charge against the young 
lady.?"' 

Officer: "Running about the street costumed as 
September Morn, your honor." 

Judge: "Thirty days hath September!" 

Sun Dodger 



MITCHELL BELKIN 

PHOTOGRAPHER 

241 Main Street, Northampton 

Phone 1753 



Official Photographer to 
Smith Seniors 1922-23 

"Aggie" Index 1922 

SPECIAL RATES TO STUDENTS 



«?- 



'^BAYY EXPE R.IMENTIN^G WITH 




GARATETT IN" THE R.OTAL SOCIETTf 



->^ 



The First Electrochemist 




lITROUS oxide, accord- 
ing to the science of a 
century ago, was "the 
principle of contagion when re- 
spired by animals in the minutest 
quantities." Mere say-so. 

Imaginative yet skeptical Hum- 
phrey Davy, who believed in ex- 
periment rather than in opinion, 
"respired" it and lived. 

It was this restless desire to test 
beliefs that made him one of the 
founders of modern science. Elec- 
tricity was a new force a century 
ago. Davy used it to decompose 
potash, soda, and lime into potas- 
sium, sodium, and calcium, thus 
laying the foundations of electro- 
chemistry. With a battery of two 
thousand plates he produced the 
first electric arc — harbinger of 
modern electric illumination and 
of the electric furnace. 

Czar Alexander I and Napoleon 
met on a raft to sign the Treaty of 
Tilsit while Davy was revealing 



the effects of electricity on matter. 
'*What is Europe.?" said Alexan- 
der. ** We are Europe." 

The treaty was at that time an 
important political event, framed 
by two selfish monarchs for the sole 
purpose of furthering their per- 
sonal interests. Contrast with it 
the unselfish efforts of Sir Hum- 
phrey Davy. His brilliant work 
has resulted in scores of practical 
applications of electrolysis in in- 
dustry and a wealth of chemical 
knowledge that benefit not him- 
self but the entire world. 

In the Research Laboratories of 
the General Electric Company, for 
instance, much has been done to 
improve the electric furnace (a de- 
velopment of Davy*s arc) and new 
compounds have been electro- 
chemically produced, which make 
it easier to cast high-conductivity 
copper, to manufacture special 
tool steels, and to produce carbides 
for better arc lamps. 



General^Elecfkric 



^cnera 



I 



ice 



Company 



Sch cne ctady-, N.Y, 



§■ 



95-^34^ 




N spite of the fact 
that everybody that 
reads the SQUIB 
can tell jokes twice 
as funny or twice as shady as 
Squibby can or dares-in spite 
of that f act-those very readers 
are always hoUerin' when the 
SQUIB is overdue, which is 
usually all the time, (meaning 
of course that you're always 

hoUerin.) We don't mind your hol- 
lerin' so much if you'll holler for us 
once in a while— doesn't cost any 
more. All I want to tell "youse 
Guys is this, don't knock. 

BOOST THE SQUIB 



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IlillllilliilJI 



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